I spent the majority of my birthday thus far playing Elden Ring. It alienated my partner, made me reflect (darkly) on how I like to spend my free time, and to top it all off, I got nowhere in the story. Nowhere. All in all I would’ve been better off reading a book. In fact it is likely a more acceptable behaviour for an adult than what I was doing. That makes me feel like my life is inverted–more reading and less gaming as a kid leading to more gaming and less reading as an adult. That isn’t the crux of the issue though. The issue is really about me wanting to lose myself and feel good and free in these worlds and not actually being able to do that.
More and more I’ve started to recognize football as just a game–a side thing I like to watch and read about (and doing even that less and less). This dimming of interest in the sport follows a peak in engagement. I’m backing off of a lot of things in terms of deep involvement and I am learning that the one thing everyone supports me being deeply involved in is the one thing I’m not able or willing to deeply and consistently commit to. I’d rather play a game of Madden than start writing a story. I don’t know why that is. I suspect it has a lot to do with immediate returns. I’m not right in my own skin to the point where everything else in my life seems like a Salvador Dali painting and I am waiting to see what happens when it all falls apart.
What I need is a hard reset. Or at least a way to navigate back to being a productive human.