10 Minute Rule

The US National Soccer Team is up 3-0 against Paraguay and there are a lot of people feeling good–even suggesting the USA can make a run at this thing on home ground. Not me. I see the group draw and see a lot of hope there, but overall, we are not that good… and the world is not going to want us to do very well given how crap we’ve been to everyone else but us who inhabit it.

Meh, so long as the Knicks win it will all be okay.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Head of Palestinian soccer says he wasn’t granted US visa to attend World Cup” I mean, you’re not white, my guy. “he is among several people accredited to attend the World Cup who have been denied visas or have yet to receive them from the United States.” and none of them are white either. Only brown people are being denied entry, because we have become a nasty reflection of who we were during the Obama years. Blowback is a bitch. An overcorrection, those moderately right of center might say. A hot mess I say.
2. Grinding as a writer lately. Should be able to get the stories done over the next few nights. If it happens, I’ll be pleased with myself. Still not sure if I am going to keep going after The Justice Engine. I might have to take that long long reset.

I’ve been a Knick fan since I could walk. I watched them lose two finals in my lifetime–neither were much of a close matter. Last night was the pinnacle of Knick fandom for me. Of course I want them to finish the job, but down 29 and coming back to win in the finals… It doesn’t get much better for a Knick fan. All we’ve known as adversity as a fandom. The Knicks are cursed with an ownership determined to ruin things. They wrecked Linsanity. They brought Carmelo and detonated a roster to do it. They jacked up ticket prices for the finals. They let Trump come through and kill the vibe (and likely the damn game).

None of that matters. NYC is resilient and yesterday was a reflection of what it meant to be from that city and be a part of everything that city has gone through over the last half century. I was born there. Raised there. Survived the 80’s when the city was at its roughest and worst. I watched fandoms come and go. I watch the Jets faithful suffer setback after setback (and still going). I watched Hockey rise to prominence. I watched The Giants make us proud, the Nets try to hop on (y’all still suck). I’m 26 years removed from a Subway Series.

We’ve had a lot of success in these 2000’s everywhere but in the realm of basketball where NYC has long been a disappointment. I wrote about Lauren Hill rapping about Knick failures. But last night I heard Wu-tang shout “Knicks in 5!” at the half. They were down 76-49 at the time. 27 points. They only gave up 30 in the entire second half.

This was legendary. I’ll remember it always.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Knicks complete record rally from 29 points down and beat Spurs 107-106 for 3-1 NBA Finals lead“
2. Kid is on another OV without me. Funny how that works. I pay for the non-official visits but when it comes time for the free trip, I don’t even get notified. I just hope his kids don’t do him like he does me.
3. I’m still a dad though. I’ll still show up for him. Still proud of his accomplishments and his future. Less so of who he is choosing to be and how he is choosing to treat half his family.

The other day I talked about the idea of siting with the silence. Turns out a spa is a hell of a place to do it. While in the sauna my brain churns through the mess of thoughts that have accumulated over the past few days. Namely, I find myself in pursuit of stories and idea threads that have been dangling or have these nasty little hangnails in them preventing me from moving forward. I worked through a critical part of one of the two pieces due in the next few days. I didn’t get a chance to work through the second one–nor do I have a spa day coming up–but I will find a time and a place to sit with the silence and figure some things out.

Writing is about listening, both to yourself and the world around you. I do my best listening to self in the shower where there is never a device to record what I hear and finally understand. The spa feels like that, but here I can bring a notebook. In fact, I will buy and then bring a notebook next time I’m headed there… Which will be next week.

This is summer, after all.

Three projects left to go.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump has a new, surprising take on the higher cost of living: ‘I love the inflation’” I’ve been laying off the politics, but this one is so out there that I had to share.
2. My Lady Talis introduced me to a concept I hadn’t quite thought about before. She warned me if I keep an idea in my head too long then it bloats and changes and festers till it is no longer the thing it was. These are not her words. She has a much nicer and eloquent way of saying that I tend to lose the thread of the story if I take too long to write it. Yet the idea of what she said was a drink of water on a hot summer day. It invigorated me to understand this side of my writing I never have before. I will be taking those comments to heart… and getting a new notebook as indicated above.
3. Idea Archive is coming back! Probably just to myself at first, but when I feel good about these threads, I’ll toss some out here.
4. The hardest part of being where my feet are at is the anticipation as a parent for the sports seasons the kids are going to have. There is a sensation I get as a parent–not as though I’m there on the field with them, but instead as though I am carrying the stress of the moment within myself. That part is rough and sort of addictive.

Another blown writing day.

I’ve reached the point where I am having serious doubt about my ability to put together a story. Everyone goes through slumps. Trying to write in three different genres and do three different types of writing at once is probably a huge part of it. I cannot find the voice for these characters and I’m losing touch with what my own writing voice is in the process. Today I was trying to write a 3k word story for an upcoming book, but the story is not making sense. I cannot find a way in. I cannot figure out how to make it make sense, where to start, what the individual character motivations are, what I am trying to say, or anything. I used to really enjoy diving into these aspects, but now it feels impossible. I spent the last hour trying to figure out how these three characters got into a building where the story takes place, and never got a answer that made sense.

I’m at zero with this story again, and it is due in 6 days. I have a different story due on Saturday, which is nothing like the sci-fi one I was attempting to write today. I am doing way too much right now and none of it is remotely coming together. I want it all to be over. I am not one to quit projects, and I will somehow make it through all of this in time, but right now the entire process is looking like a big fail. None of this work will be peak level.

The worst part is: I don’t know how to break out of it. I don’t have a clue how to adjust to get these things done. I’m drowning in a sense of hopelessness so closely aligned with what writers call ‘writers block’ that my failure feels inevitable. All of it is making me angry and hyper and unable to clear my head. I’m desperate for a way forward right now and all I have is this blog to vent through.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Rob Reiner’s son Nick seeks money from trust parents left him for his defense in their killings” This is not okay. I don’t fully understand how a lawyer gets up in the morning and decides to represent this level of madness. This, to me, is what is wrong with humanity. My guy, you killed them. You don’t get to have the money too… Or, since the law can be manipulated, you probably will. That’s worse.
2. This feeling I have right now is why writers do drugs. Probably how they get clear headed and focused. Unfortunately for me, I’m not about that life. I’ll just suffer through…

I learned that my son booked his official visit to Hawaii through the internet. Not only does it mean that I’m not going, it leaves me to wonder who is. Not his brother, who is the only other person in his corner with actual knowledge of college athletics and can help him navigate the truth of whatever he is being pitched. He might even be taking a family member who openly and constantly disrespects me. That feels like choosing sides from my end. Still, my end doesn’t really vibe with his. He doesn’t see things the same way as I do. Here’s what I know, however: I am wasting too much of my time and energy on caring.

I’m hurt by this. Of course I am. That doesn’t make dwelling on it any more worthwhile or change a single thing. I’ve had the conversations. I have told him my desires and expectations. His not caring is pretty much all I need to know moving forward. I love him. I don’t respect his choices. Moving on. It’s hard to, but I have to or else it will fester in my brain like so many other slights have festered over the years. I have to accept the things I cannot change and have the mindset to focus on what I can change.

That is what I mean by the life we have left. I titled a RPG piece that very thing many years ago. It was a heartfelt reflection on the state of the game world and how it felt to be a person in that world. Here I am reflecting on how it feels to be of a certain age and how important it is to me now to live “where my feet are at” as I move forward. I can control what I can control. I cannot control anything else, and I need to learn to be okay with that. I need to learn to either be along for the ride with this other things, or get off and leave it behind.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: ” Lettuce introduce you to the live frog found in this grocery store salad bag” Umm… Grocery check in Aisle 9. How did the frog survive? How did it make it all the way to the store?
2. Knicks Game 3 tonight. Should be interesting…

I’ve been staring at screens for hours now. Staring long enough that my eyes are blurry while I type this blog. I was working on a short which I tried to pare down to 1/8th its size for reasons of micro-editing practice. To make matters worse, I don’t have the full 3k on the story, so I was paring down an unfinished work and realizing that at the core of the story I don’t even know what it is I am trying to do or say. Fluff. That’s all it ends up being. Possibly well-worded fluff. I’m feeling quite self-disparaging at the moment and this runs the risk of turning into a rant about where I’ve gone wrong.

Okay… Now it’s a rant about where I’ve gone wrong. Obviously it starts with the youngest kid, who I speak of often in these ten minute sessions, and his complete and total loss of self. He’s fallen in with a group called Young Life. From what I know of them they specialize in helping the lost find themselves. I suspect that what has him unmoored is a mix of his mom raging about what a terrible person I am, and feeling disconnected from an identity outside of sports. None of that really leaves room for him and I to connect on a father-son level. It is at the point where I have zero expectation of hearing from him (via text or otherwise) on father’s day.

But enough about that situation haunting the backrooms of my mind. The lack of ability to tell a story is crippling the forefront. It isn’t just that I shortened the thing, it is that I never knew what the thing was to begin with. I am constantly finding myself in situations where I don’t know what story I am telling or why anyone might want to read it. I’m losing faith in my ability, focus, and overall purpose as a writer–which only serves to reinforce the narrative that I’m bad at everything I try for including parenting.

I need a better tomorrow.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Christian Eriksen ‘conscious’ after another on-field collapse in Denmark match, national team says” Twice?! The last time was a heart attack. Five years later he’s out cold on the pitch again. Scary stuff.

I Think…

Walking is a really good start. I’ve logged 18 miles over the past two days. I keep getting more and more constitution buffs from the action, and that is the entire point. Heart health is the key to me living long enough to be very old. I want that. I want to experience that great grandkid life. I want to be here for it all and I want to be here for my wife.

I Think…

My step kids show me more attention than my birth kids. The birth ones do not seem remotely aware that I have a life and that life is good. They show no interest in what is going on with me. Perhaps it is their age but more likely it is their upbringing. Some mistakes were made on my part. Some mistakes by their birth mom as well. Overall, I want to have adult relationships with these men. Only two of three seem remotely interested in maintaining contact.

I Think…

I lost the little one entirely. He’s fallen into a period of his life where I am a low priority on his list. He loves me, of that I am certain. Yet he doesn’t really care about me or what I think. It has to be hard for him, being the youngest and being the one his brith mom is closest to. He has to get a lot of negativity about me from that quarter. I don’t think I’m a real part of his decision making process in terms of college or anything anymore. He only hits me up when he needs cash.

I Think…

I’m tired of not sleeping well. I don’t know what it is that triggers nights like this, but it screws me up mentally the entire next day. I wasn’t able to accomplish any sort of solid writing today. I wasted a day and I am running out of days to waste. I have two stories due next week and 3 more pieces that are long overdue. Not sure how to get myself out of this hole. Once I do, I am slowing down for a while. Gotta rediscover that voice and that love.

I Think…

Knicks are making basketball fun to watch again.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Wrestling matches provide an action-packed story time at US libraries, in photos” Lucha Libro? Well, if it works, it works.

This is a lost art. We have so many of those as we transition between generations. There are things my parents did and taught me that I felt were absolutely silly. Now my kids are having the same type of conversations. There is another type of conversation as well—the one where the simple stuff we did as kids becomes trendy; becomes tied to some sort of faith or fad or featured as part of a larger activity. Sitting with the silence is such a trend.

It used to be that being alone was just what happened. I didn’t grow up with all of the inputs that today’s youth are obsessed with. I didn’t have a cellphone. They largely did not exist, especially not at the level they exist now. These things we call everyday items were extremely rare and always purposed. So, instead of scrolling through the latest social media feed, I read books. When I didn’t do that I sat with the silence. I let my brain decompress and all of the ideas and energies of that day melded into something useful or they sloughed away. That practice is largely lost now. It is a practice as old as time and religion. It is the mainstay of some faiths. Buddhism does it, placing your focus on the breath. Christian faiths do it, holding moments of silence or vocalizing thought through quiet prayer.

Today we do in spaces. We meditate, be it through yoga or sauna, or even shower. We take less and less time to sit with the silence and when we do it tends to be an event of some sort. Yet it doesn’t need to be. It should be daily practice. It should be how we reset ourselves to the form and the function we hold dear. It should be the way we can look at ourselves and realize our inner potential.

Lately I’ve found more time to sit with the silence. It is easier where I am at then it is where I tend to stay. Perhaps it is easier because I am older, with more life behind me than in front, and I recognize the meaningfulness of that silence once again. Regardless of how I wound back towards this path, I am finding myself again. I am finding that spark of a man who once wanted to write stories the world would enjoy. I am finding that person who wanted to pour his love into a partner and make her life ambrosia. The path we are born to can be found through that silence. We just have to find our way back to it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “ Virginia man gets life in prison for double murder scheme in affair with Brazilian au pair“ Always with the babysitter.
2.  

Rain the horizon. Not today, but likely tomorrow. 80% chance by then, but the sleepys are here already. I didn’t even get up until sometime after nine. In true vacation form I didn’t do anything. I didn’t write until I started to blog a little bit ago, and it is nearly 4 pm. So, yeah. It’s a sleepy day and this, written between yawns, is a sleepy blog. Everyone deserves a day of not doing anything. I don’t have the juice to do much more than what I am doing right now. In general lately I shut down after 4 pm. I might slide through some grading or other non-creative endeavors, but do not ask me to write in the evenings. I’ve conditioned myself out of it if for no other reason than to spend more time with the Lady Talis. It’s the best part of my day.

Tomorrow it is coffee in the morning and we leave the house to do that. It means I have to get up and get moving, which is the opposite of how it is going today. I am not at all mad about the way the day has gone though. I expected to fall into a writing routine, but instead fell into the nap trap. I did get one of 4 drafts done yesterday, so there’s that. Time is running out and I keep running at the same old pace.

So be it. This is summer, after all.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Man Builds Autonomous AI-Powered Water Gun Turret to Keep Pigeons Away” Maybe less bonkers than absolutely bad ass. This is my AI hero of the week.
2. Oooh… AI hero of the week sounds like a new column. Let me give it some thought.
3. Beckham is back with the Giants but lacks a number and might not even make the team. He is a longshot right now. I hope he does make it, because when healthy and at the top of his game he is electric. I see him being useful in the slot this season as a possession guy. Still, as I said, he doesn’t even have a number. He’s wearing Carter’s #3 right now with Jalin Hyatt still rocking #13.

I heard that someone used ChatGPT to predict Iowa’s 2026 football season. So, I used that same method to determine how they would fair against UNI, and specifically how my kid would do. It fed me the following Stat line: 5 total tackles, 4 solo, 1 pass breakup, 0 interceptions, 0.5 tackle for loss. It considered this to be the median result. It stacks up to how he played against Colorado State last year when that team decided early on that they did not want to throw his way. Statistically, he found himself near the bottom of the FCS as a defender according to PFF. This, in spite of giving up 1 passing touchdown and less than 200 receiving yards on the season. So the question is: WHY?

He gave up short slants. It wasn’t for a lot of yards, and no RAC save for 1 reception, but it is what it is, and it is how they grade. So, what does that mean for this season? Not sure yet. He’s 19 now and far more physical and healthy. He’s ready for a big season. Let’s see what happens.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Videos showing groups of people entering NYC sewers at night baffle residents and investigators“
2. Do you realize how many times a week I misspell absolutely? Sometimes I butcher it so thoroughly that spellcheck asks if I am making a new word and want to add it to the dictionary.
3. And now, this: “Rare albino buffalo named after Donald Trump for its golden locks draws crowds at Bangladesh zoo” Spitting image. No photoshop.
4.