10 Minute Rule

I am particularly sensitive to negative energy. I think that is why I had so much anger s a kid. New York is a particularly angry city and channeling that was not healthy for me. Sucks then that I live in a space that occasionally drifts into hard negative energy. What I need to do for myself is to be present in the moment and aware of how the energy is impacting me. Once I see it, I can move away from it. I can avoid letting it sneak up on me and do the damage it is capable of doing. I wasn’t able to remove myself this evening and instead stewed in it, distracted and trying to center within myself to avoid soaking up all of that bad energy.

Turns out I could use some time away.

Some Thoughts:

1. The portal is a lot more dangerous this year than it was last year. The kids getting deals this early are the top and or already had deals before they went in. The kid hasn’t landed yet, but it is only coming up on Day 4. We’ll see what the Waiver Wire post shows…
2. Finished the fantasy season with a first time winner. Gotta order that Trophy!

Well, I got really fat.

Since I returned to the USA I’ve gained 20 lbs. This is dangerous weight. This explains the knee pain and the feeling of not being very attractive (which as a result of the puffing I am very much not). Look good, feel good. Feel good, write good. You write good, they pay good. They pay good, you live good. This, based on a Deionism, is how I see the situation now. I gotta get back to looking and feeling good… So I can write good and live good.

I’m feeling a bit better about content–meaning I have stories I could write. The connection to those stories is tenuous, like an out of focus image, but I think I can reach for them… maybe find them. I am hopeful that these next few grad classes will expose me to opportunities to unlock some story as I move into finally (finally) doing this big novel.

Gotta go to the gym more first… Gotta look good.

Some Thoughts:

1. Really disliking the Marvel Universe as it turns towards this next phase. The last phase was very bad, and though there are some moments in the new phase as shown through the TV shows, mostly, it isn’t breaking new ground or telling good stories. You gotta be able to do something that makes the viewers feel something other than disappointment… No matter how many top actors you pay. I have some hope for Wonderman. I will watch the next season of Daredevil as well as any of the Punisher stuff they put out, but even that is not solid anymore.

So, the novel is out. I’m excited and a little worried about sales and all, but overall, this is a very very good development. No reviews yet, and I don’t know how I feel about reviews overall anymore. I am walking down the positivity road, so any review argues that someone bothered to read it. There’s that. Outside of what other people think, I realize that this was a challenging book for me in a number of ways. The original version is far removed from the finished product, and that journey was definitely one of growth. It was very meaningful growth both as a writer and as someone being a part of an industry. Eventually I will be paid for the writing and feel quite happier by result.

That isn’t the only thing on my mind, however. Football always lurks back there, both as a focus of fun but lately as a stressor when it comes to my kids. I am watching the impact that the glam of the sport can have. My CFB player son is in the portal. Still. His agent promised all sorts of action and the near guarantee of moving “up” to the FBS level like the kid wants. However, the portal opened yesterday and we have not heard a thing. I may have had some really overstated expectations there, given that the portal stays open till the 16th (I thought the 12th). Muc of that centered around the concepts of start of semester and Spring Ball. I figured the interested schools would reach out right away if he was a top choice. Nobody has. This could means a number of things–namely that he isn’t a top choice. That is good in a way, because it means he will need to earn it. He’s really good at earning it. He’s really bad when he feels he already deserves it. The school that seems to want him the most is dealing with a shift in personnel. New DC, meaning new system to an extent. Let’s hope the kid still fits into the plan.

The thing I forgot to really focus on yesterday is energy. We are blessed to be able to have lives and memories and experiences. I recognize that. I also recognize how all of that can be interpreted in terms of what we don’t have, who we are jealous of, and how we feel slighted by other people. Few people in the public eye embody that weakness more than President Trump, and I believe the country, as a result, has tipped towards embodying that aspect of what it means to be an American. So, this year I am truly focusing on reshaping my energy towards the positive and looking forward to making gains in how many people I can help steer towards the brighter part of their lives.

I am also looking for balance, and being a writer helps with that. It gives me space to have these conversations in a way that expels the darkness from myself. Forgive me if the stories themselves grow too dark as a result. I am going to find a way to strike a balance there as well, but it may take more time. In trith, time is my greatest ally here. This year I have time to shape my remaining future in the way I want. It is a major time of transition. I am preparing for the last of the kids to graduate. I am preparing for at least one kid to settle down and start building their foundation of where they plan to be in life. I too am planning to make those choices with the Lady Talis this year, though it appears more and more that we will be splitting time between multiple locations for the foreseeable future. I could be okay with that. A place for every season, as it were.

All of these are the first steps forward into the rest of our lives. All of these steps must radiate with intention and positive energy. Long in this blog have I said ‘garbage in, garbage out’. So now I have to be mindful in what I allow myself to ingest, because it does shape my energy. I don’t need to hear about all of the terrible things Trump and those connected to him are doing. I’m resolved to voting his people out ASAP. I don’t need to dwell on what failures I’ve had. I’m resolved to finding a better path to success.

Since I first watched the Luke Cage show my motto has been ‘Always forward’. Time to live that way.

The Lady Talis and I have been talking about intentions. She is a person who sets clear intentions. I intend to be. This is what I would have formally (and formerly) referred to as a resolution. There is distinction in terms. Language gives space for nuance and also opportunity. An intention falls under the territory of opportunity and belief system in my mind. I will use this year to set clear intentions and goals about my future all the while being grateful for each additional day of consciousness I am allowed by the universe.

We are all up against that ticking clock. The older I get the more I hear the thunderous chime of the hands turning. They don’t spin any faster or slower than they ever did, nor do I believe in the concept of running out of time as it is commonly explained. Running out of time, to me, indicates that there was and always has been a limit of time. I think that limit is preset. I think we always die when we are supposed to (which is why I love the Final Destination series concept). I fear that when people speak of running out of time they ascribe it to age, when age and aging have almost no impact on it save for that the older you get, the more you realize how little time you possibly have left.

I’m realizing it on my end and it scares and empowers me. So, what comes next?

Some Thoughts:

1. My Youtube Year in Review pointed to Zenfinite as my top visit. That got me thinking about how the movements we make digitally leave a footprint and how these footprints create a path towards our inner psyche. I often wonder who people reveal themselves to be when they think others are not watching. That footprint can be extremely telling. Youtube isn’t the only one watching. Google personalizes your search results by default. Instagram and other social media sources are quite open about doing such. We collectively call this the algorithm and it really does speak to who we are.
2. I was going to write something else but I entirely forgot what it was…
3. Maybe the intention this year ought to be to strengthen my mind and memory.

Happy New Year’s Eve, everyone.

I’m celebrating with half of my family. The other half declined, and while that stings something awful, I have to remember that I am not alone and without them, the ex would be. So, they made the right choice. Life is full of choices. We’re each living one long storyform where we branch at every moment. Some of those branches lead us to happiness. Others lead to despair or even worse. Some merely continue us down the path of normalcy, or as I call it, mediocrity. I am not happy with everything in my life and I am having a terrible time with allergies right now, but in the long and short of things, I’m doing quite good. I’ve had an amazing year. Next year promises to be even better in terms of production and successes. I will likely gain an MFA and with it the possibility to relocate and secure a new job in a new place with a fresh start as my youngest graduates from High School and moves on to college. That is the end of an era.

That is the beginning of a new act.

I am excited to see what the future brings for them, as well as for me. I want it to go well. I want us all to have the level of happiness I wish for at all times. I’m looking forward to seeing what this new future brings.

I received my 2026 calendar in the mail. It is roughly half the size of the 25, which always appears to be the case when ordering from Amazon. They do send you the smallest items unless you ask for the one that is right-sized. Nevertheless, a smaller calendar means more whiteboard space. I don’t have a massive layered whiteboard where I can slide aside layers to show story stuff or anything even close, but I do have a board and it does have stuff on it. Mostly love notes from the Lady Talis and story notes from the Torathae, but it is going to have more space for more things now. Stories, most likely–after I use it to plan out these 8 classes and a schedule that works very very well for me.

Most of the issues with scheduling comes down to not wanting to be working when my love is around. So, I try to build a system that avoids that. It only works effectively during the school year, as otherwise she is around and I no longer wish to work. Dedicated writer I am, but not more than dedicated husbando… and dedicated gamer. Sometimes more than dedicated gamer. I’ll post on that bit tomorrow or soon after.

Some Thoughts:

1. Blue bow day. Did a ton of backyard work (unfinished). Did a toilet repair (finished).
2. My birthday is during one spring break but not the other.
3. Gotta schedule February quite succinctly. Short month, but also there is a holiday and a conference. Online week is happening. I think what I’ll do is stage the 3 sections of the comic book for February, March, April at the end of each month.

I went to the blog this morning and saw ‘Reflections on a Sunday Night’ and thought immediately that I’d screwed up. I thought, “It’s Tuesday. I missed Monday entirely.” Turns out it is Monday today. That is proof of how disconnected I am from the normal world when I am not working a steady 9-5 job. I’ll be back in that world a few weeks from now and feeling the weight of it in my soul to be sure. In spite of having a rather incredible schedule, I do have this lingering sense of discomfort when it comes to being at work. That has everything to do with being at the end rather than the beginning of an experience. My kids are getting older. My world is shifting. I’m ready to move on and out of the desert. To where? That certainly remains to be seen.

It all boils down to affordability and work possibility. We’ve looked across the Pacific Northwest for opportunities, and as I upgrade my degree I am seeking additional opportunities online. I want to be able to spend my next 50 years in happiness. Heck, I want a next 50 years. I think I get 20-30 good ones unless medicine makes some incredible leaps, and I don’t want those good ones to be wasted here chasing down other people’s dreams. The Lady Talis and I are ready to live our own dreams and lives in a space that comes to life around us.

But where?

I have five boys. Two live with me full time. The others, apparently, don’t want to be here. Their life isn’t here. Their joy isn’t here, which by default means that I am not a part of any of that. It hurts. It is a terrible feeling to give so much of yourself and your life to people who simply do not care about you the way you care about them. You see it all the time in relationships. I see it less in parental relationships–in fact I am more used to the other side of the coin where my parents couldn’t care much less about me. Perhaps that is the truth I’ve been avoiding. Perhaps it is me.

I am very easy to be taken for granted. I do not demand much from people, which I always thought was a good thing. I’m falling into doubt about that, though I am not completely sure it is the issue at all. I don’t know, it is just hard to see the other two boys and the daughter on this side care so much about their mom and know that not a single kid has that depth of connection with me. Sad, but true. I’m a second level parent… A backup.

Some Thoughts:

1. First time I’ve had to go to the ASMR well in weeks. This time its singing bowls. I reach for this kind of stuff when I feel off or awful. Today is the latter.
2. Minecraft note: You can put up to three worlds in a realms account and play that realm across platforms. It is also a nifty way to upload and download your world across platforms, which is ideally what I think I intend to use it for with the Switch2.

I have pages due. 15 to be exact. I need to get on that as it is the only true responsibility that I have leading into the new year. I’m going to get it done prior to the new year, and then, for a moment, I will have nothing due. No responsibility whatsoever. This constitutes a year-end reset for me as I move into the spring semester and all that it brings. I have at least 11 students in all of my classes, which is going to be enough for some but not necessarily the Games Studies Course. I hope that one does find its people, because I’ve enjoyed growing the course into an experience worth entertaining. Yet my work is far from done. I am ready to keep building that and the others. 8 classes being taught and two being taken. This is going to be quite the spring of joy.

Some Thoughts:

1. Observed some secondaries in the bowl season. Yikes. Folks need my kid.
2. In general the bowl season is not attracting fans. Sooner than later these guys are going to get with it and turn it into the FCS 24 team series. It works.
3. Taking a break from audiobooks for a while. It could mean taking a break from crafting as well. I don’t craft without that background beat. I am thinking of doing a few podcasts, so that is an option.
4. I am also thinking about what games to download on my new Switch2. I am considering Pokemon… Do I have that grind in me?
5. I love that my boys come home and tell me about their day and their lives. This is my stepkids… the blood ones aren’t doing that without extreme prodding…