10 Minute Rule

It is easy to feel helpless in a hopeless place.

I didn’t quite realize that was where I was living until about an hour ago. It all cleared up this morning when I saw an empty fast food cup in the middle of our quiet culdesac and went to pick it up. I thought, at that moment, damn this feels like I am the old guy in the hood. Yet from where I am seated I am one of the youngest in this culdesac. Yet from where I am seated I have that same endgame feeling as everyone else who plans to live out their lives here. I started thinking about who I am around (neighbor-wise) and the level of energy and drive. It forced me to remember how easily influenced I am by my surroundings. That is part of what it means to be a social chameleon–or at least to try to be.

Every year I get worse. There was a time I’d pull out the story cubes on a weekly basis and drop new fiction in the blog. Ten minutes of new! Now its hard to imagine this blog being more than politics, old man whining, and the occasional sports post. The “where” excuse is still an excuse, but it rattles around in my psyche doing the kind of damage that makes a person want to get it out–to get out. Today I read an article in medium about a guy who is older than me, but maintains the biological health of a 30 year old. A large part of what he discussed was the mental game and self-care. Those are the two areas of my life I’ve neglected almost more than the physical. I cannot do what he does–we find our own strategies. I can choose awareness and to preference what should be most important in my life. It is hard here where the entire goal of the kids and neighbors is to not grind and instead to find more time to lazy. I fell deep into it.

Let’s see if I can get that foothold to start climbing out.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Musk testimony dominated first week Musk v. Altman. ‘You can’t just steal a charity’” Musk is suing the AI juggernaut mostly because he left the company and now they are valued at roughly 15x more than his xAI. Now he’s crying foul. Business is odd. I ought to write some stories about how it works and why we’re fucked.

I finished Mass Effect yesterday and it was every bit as good as I remembered. It was also very sad on a number of levels. It was better than my last play-through (all praises be to DLC) and having the ability to do it straight through all three games in a row was more of a cinematic event than the waiting was. I have to say, the ending was not very good the first run. It left a lot to the post credits scene, which is relatively disconnected.

None of that is the point of this blog.

This blog is about games and investment and storytelling. I believe a good game is one that tells a story. Sometimes you event the story with the tools provided. When I play Madden or NCAA Football, I am eventing the story as I go. I am adding the nuance between each prospect and inventing the relationships between the players. There is not a deeper open world concept to help me manufacture this reality. My players are numbers on a screen and don’t exist beyond the playing field, but I make up the story in my head because I want it to be there and there are enough clues and components to give me the tools to do so. Still, it is limited.

Really good immersive storytelling is the kind of stuff that attaches you to a character to the point where their pain is your own because you are them and their friends are your friends. This is the direction that games are heading towards with the help of better tech. The RPG revival is going to meet the game world in a way that gives us more Mass Effect level interactions. I want those stories.

Those stories take a lot out of me.

After I finished I could not imagine playing another serious game for a while. I got in a few pokemon matches, but the X-box has stayed off since. I don’t know when it is coming back on. I certainly am not playing Clair Obscura anytime soon. This is also the result of a good game. It leaves you satisfied in a way that refills your dopamine. You don’t instantly crave more. We need more things in our lives like that, so we aren’t all junkies constantly.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Spirit Airlines goes out of business after 34 years, ending operations immediately” You’re telling me they sucked for 33 years before bankruptcy became inevitable?!
2. I need to write a post about ambition. It is a key source of division in my life and bears discussing.
3. Also… This: “Prosecutors release video of armed man storming correspondents’ dinner” Watch it. This is a terrifying case of incompetence… on the part of both parties. One police officer (NOT secret service) reacted in time and fired shots at the attacker. Those shots missed everything and everyone. Turns out the dude wound up slipping and bonked his head, knocking himself unconscious. All the hype over how dangerous this was and how close he got is relevant in the sense that he could’ve gotten inside. He didn’t. He never even fired a shot. Let that sink in.

My wife, my muse, my Lady Talis said something to me yesterday that sank great roots into my psyche that will never be removed. She said that when she reads she wants to read for more than just entertainment, which is why she enjoys the work of Ted Chiang so thoroughly. This was not meant as an insult to my own work, though it is clear to us both that everything I have published has been for the purpose of entertainment alone and has no lasting sense of thought or consideration behind it. I write bad beach books. I write the stories one can easily consume, dispose of, and move on with life having tasted something akin to well-salted fast food. She said none of these things. They are true nonetheless.

As a partner, as an author, as a man with ego I have always wanted to write words worthy of her reading. I have yet to directly feel like anything I’ve written was worth her time or consideration. She reads it, she appreciates it, but I know it isn’t worth the energy of consumption to a person who feels as they do about the written word. I am no Chiang. I am no King. I am no S or A Corey. Not as of yet. The challenge implicit here is to write a thing worthy of being read. It is a challenge I have little choice but to accept.

How does one succeed? I believe the answer is in what I consume. If I continue reading crap I will continue writing it. The mind requires a diet much like the rest of the body. I have failed to nourish for years, which is why my ideas constantly feel old and faded like the jeans where the crotch threads have worn away to expose the rawest parts of yourself. I have an extremely long history of doing just enough to feel like I’ve done something, yet all the while have done nothing at all. It is about time I put a stop to it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Helicopter complicates morning drop-off at Tennessee school” In honor of the wife returning to the family farm for a bit, I thought I’d drop some local-ish crazy news. Tennessee gonna Tennessee.

I don’t know how I lost the day. It felt so long ago that I woke up, and here approaching 2:30 I am realizing I don’t have much day left. There is a lot to be done and we are planning to hang with the kids, but before any of that an happen I have to get this blog done… So I’ll just jump into…

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “French teen charged in Singapore over a vending machine straw-licking video” It is grosser than you think… Young folks these days be trippin.
2. Looks like the kid is going to make State in the Hurdles after bringing his time down over a half second to 15.38. That is 13th in the state D1 category with the top 24 advancing. His teammate posted a 15.77 which makes him 25th. He is going to miss unless someone bows out and that sucks for the senior. Sucks for the team. Top 8 will advance to finals and the top 8 times in D1 are all under 14.9. He has more work to do to get to the finals.
3. Ready for the summer. Ready to have some time to explore being a writer and to get healthy on a daily basis. The energy here is always my excuse for not doing things. I don’t know how long that excuse will hold up.
4. Not a lot to say today. Feeling rushed but also surprisingly empty. Maybe it is the lack of coffee.

I think…

The widening expanse of social media and the pockets of false reality it creates are only deepening the divide between people. This is not only on a political but a personal level. We have increasingly become dependent as a people on parasocial relationships. These are already codified in Japanese culture as oshi-katsu, and have very much impacted the ability of that culture to create interpersonal connections. This, in a place much geographically smaller than ours where it is far more difficult to physically separate. Here, we can get away from each other and stay away and even stay in our little filter bubbles longer. This is not a good thing. This increasingly leads to diverse realities.

I think…

Politics offers us a very clear model of this activity and these behaviors. Take for example the ideas of the right that the “left” is more politically violent. This is fueled by the bubble. Fox News recently posted a timeline of every “assassination attempt” on Trump since 2016. Ten attempts listed here and most of these stories have been amplified over the years by Fox and other even more right-leaning outlets. KCCI posted a different timeline showing only attempts where suspects got close to the president(s). Most of what Fox and other right-leaning outlets listed was not included. This is not to suggest attempts do not happen. In fact, there were at least 11 attempts on Obama’s life. These were not politicized in the least, which is why most people assume there were not any. Furthermore, nobody got close to that brother, which is a testament to the people he kept around him. Trump, on the other hand, has been exposed way too often. It is almost as if they know this sort of coverage fuels political action and seek to take advantage…

I think…

I need to stick my head in a hole and start writing out my stories. I don’t have forever. I do have time now. It needs to happen sooner than later, because I want to be able to enjoy the time of seeing my work on shelves.

I think…

I am done, save for…

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Supreme Court ruling weakens a key tool of the Voting Rights Act” The decision voids majority Black congressional district in Louisiana, boosting Republican chances… This is indeed how democracy dies. Of course, we were never a true democracy. The rules ensured that.

Was yesterday, right? At the end of a semester it can feel like the hard part is over. It isn’t. In fact the shift from a well ordered semester to the end of the year and all that chaos becomes a real mess. I have a lot of things to do this summer and I have 90 days to pull it off. The clock starts in a little over a week and a half. I am in the stage of trying to figure out how to get ready for the summer sprint. Well, it isn’t a sprint if it is one quarter of the year.

Man, that is a lot to think about. For one quarter of this year I will be away and not have to be in this space and will have the Lady Talis all to myself. I’m not sure that has really sank in yet. This will be the longest continuous time we’ve been together without kids present. That in itself is a wild stat. I am nothing but ready for the opportunity.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “No spellcheck, no delete key: Cornell students tackle writing on manual typewriters” Wild. I suppose this teacher feels clever. Or is merely trolling.
2. Speaking of Trolling… “Ex-FBI Director Comey indicted in probe over online post officials say constituted Trump threat“

I took some time out of my morning to watch Surrounded on youtube. It really helped me get a sense of the popularized version of the political divide. It also has me understanding a little better what is out there on social media re: politics. This is not helpful to the growth and or continuation of our nation as I see it. In fact, it is the bloody opposite. To (mis?)quote the Star Wars franchise, “This is how a democracy dies.”

I’m worried. Seriously. It’s been a huge part of my mental space and part of the stress package shoving my pressure up up up. We are really fighting a culture war out here and while that happens, the rich are fleecing the heck out of all of us. We’re moving closer to the 1984 future promised in the past and man, it hurts to see it.

Meanwhile, I am absolutely struggling on my own to recognize the value of my chosen profession–writing. I make 6 cents a word. I can write, at this point, a thousand good words an hour. It takes an hour of research and editing for each of those thousand, so we’re talking 30 bucks an hour as a writer. This is not including finding a place to publish. I need to do better. That is on me.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “He laughed so hard at Koo’s botched NFL kick that he had a seizure. It may have saved his life ” No comment…
2. Also.. “Prosecutors say suspect in missing students’ killings asked ChatGPT about disposing of a body” Bruh.

I have this image in my head–maybe its more of a clip or a dream or a hallucinated moment–where I look to the people out in front of me and say, “I finally got my shit together!” And in that moment it is real and known that I am the complete person promised. I’ve come round at last. This has never really happened. My life consists of a variety of failures stitched together by rare, and oft fleeting, moments of success. I suspect most lives are like that; storybook lives where the protagonist fails and fails and fails until they finally succeed. This could be why such structures work so well in story form.

As I type, the Lady Talis is out beyond the door speaking with her own eldest son (as we are a blended family we each have a first born male of which to speak). They are chatting about life and his life in particular, though he and especially his blood sister (our one girl) and his younger blood brother both often chat with her and ask after her life. My blood-born three do no such thing either to her or me. I don’t suspect they do it to their blood mother either (are you thinking the term blood mother is such a sci-fi or even fantasy coolness that it sounds quite awful in RL?). They were not programmed to care about us. I suspect they never will really see us as more than someone to come to with needs, questions, or misdirected aggression. I never taught them to give a crap about me and my life. As a result, I don’t get birthday gifts.

I got it wrong. That is the argument here. Sure, these boys could be really successful in life. All three of the blood born have a direct path to high-level success. Yet in terms of keeping us together as a family, I did not get my shit together. I never will. Sometimes the chance to make change is long behind you before you ever truly realize it. I’m starting to see that about many aspects of my life.

So, it is time to accept the things I cannot change, and to realize what those things are. It is time to move forward and give my energy and soul to what I can do from here on out.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Sabastian Sawe breaks fabled 2-hour barrier in the marathon to shatter world record by 65 seconds” I don’t think people truly realize how fast you have to go to run a marathon in under 2 hours. It is a wild level of sustained speed and endurance. Just wild.

I can tell I am worn down mentally, because I am slipping. Blog sat unpublished yesterday and here I am today trying to get another one in after my work day is done… except I didn’t do any work. Well, some work. I did some classwork, and I will probably do some teacher work in a bit here, but I am drained. I am so drained that I am not that hyped to even play Mass Effect right now. It has been a long semester. I don’t know that I did myself any favors with the amount of outside work I took on this semester either. I’m not crushing that work–especially not today, Instead I find myself here trying to make sure I get a full ten minutes in before I go do, well, who knows. More and more I find myself trying to survive these days as opposed to excelling through them.

I know I am ground down and need a break. I don’t know what that break should look like, but it should be something putting me on the path to getting back right with my health. Three months… That’s the reload.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump rushed from table after gunfire erupts at White House Correspondents’ Dinner” It is a Fox News link, so be warned of massive spin. It is bonkers because of how they are pitching this as how amazing and brave this dude is for coming back to the dinner. Here’s the thing though–The shots were not in the ballroom or apparently towards the ballroom, so bravery does not enter into the conversation. This is going to be spun so dang hard…
2. Pet Peeve of the Day: Any time I walk into the living room, the kids will quickly follow me out there if only to make sure they can get to the TV before I do… I’m actually not stressed about it. When I want it, I will take it. However, I find the action annoying.

I’ve been thinking about how much stress impacts my blood pressure. I stay under stress and it gets worse when family matters are off. My pressure has varied from 117/80 to 140/101 from day to day, regardless of meals or activity. Between that, work, and the world drama I am trending towards bad things. As a result I’ve tried hard to escape reality–hours and hours of video gaming as a way to detach and not have to think about anything real. I get the urges people have to escape and I do what I can myself when the pressure is too high. The problem I am facing is that I cannot escape. There is too much to be done and every few hours away from the reality makes everyone in my life more distant and angry. I have to ride this out. I have to shift away from self care and be more about the rest of the world.

I’ll find time for self care when everything else around me settles down. For now, I am going to put my main energy into locking in and working hard on all of the things I am supposed to handle.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump to send envoys Witkoff and Kushner to Pakistan for talks with Iran foreign minister” You see why I’m stressed, right?
2. Also… this: “Businesses dole out up to $4 million to cross Panama Canal during Strait of Hormuz chokehold” Makes me see that this whole game is a hustle.