10 Minute Rule

I am suffering from all of the physical and mental indicators of high stress. Like all of them. At least, this is according to WebMD, which has on multiple occasions led me to a diagnosis of one cancer or another. So, maybe this is not entirely accurate. Still, here is what I am dealing with:

• Becoming easily agitated, frustrated, and moody
• Feeling overwhelmed, like you are losing control or need to take control
• Having difficulty relaxing and quieting your mind
• Feeling bad about yourself (low self-esteem), lonely, worthless, and depressed
• Avoiding others

• Low energy
• Upset stomach,
• Aches, pains, and tense muscles
• Chest pain and rapid heartbeat
• Insomnia

• Constant worrying
• Racing thoughts
• Forgetfulness and disorganization
• Inability to focus
• Poor judgment
• Being pessimistic or seeing only the negative side

• Changes in appetite — either not eating or eating too much
• Procrastinating and avoiding responsibilities
• Exhibiting more nervous behaviors, such as pacing

So while it is not cancer this time it is surely stress. What do I do about it? Honestly, I feel as if there is nothing to do but watch it build until I explode in a big wet pile o’ Talis. So, I’m waiting for that to happen. In the meanwhile I will continue to dig in and try to get through the days. The biggest problem is that I cannot make the world right for the people I love the most. That weight sits on my chest and makes everything else feel desperate.

Not the brightest evening of blogging, but the beauty of the written word is that you come to the blank page as you are and you pour yourself into it. You let the world feel through your skin.

In all of this recent talk about the fallacy and hype of youth atheletics I forgot to roll out the waiver wire!

Some interesting things happening in the sports world. For one, we are starting to get a better sense of how fragile of a public figure Odell B. really is. This knowledge comes courtesy of his recent failure to appear at an OTA session. This missed day of optional work came on the heels of a Trump-level twitter tirade about the Giants and his past. It was also the one day of OTAs the media was scheduled to be around. Basically, he did not want to deal with the media, so he dipped.

He’s going to struggle for some time and teams are going to struggle around him when things are not going well. He has not matured to the level required to be a leader. It is a very good thing his BFF is on the squad. Together they may be able to fix this.

Meanwhile the Knicks got hosed. They lost out on the Zion sweepstakes and probably lost some free agent opportunities as a result. The Knicks harbor such a culture of failure that I won’t even use them in a video game.

There is still quality basketball being played–by two of the 4 teams left. The Bucks are crushing the Raptors and the Warriors are finding their new identity while smashing a very good blazers squad. This is shaping up to be a thrilling final. With both top seeds up 2-0, it might get here rather quickly.

Some Thoughts:

1. The previously mentioned getabag gang in actuality goes by the name ‘gettabag’ so, be careful about correctness. The second T matters.

Often these reflections come in the form of stuff that I am writing about or experiencing. The two worlds rarely collide. Here we see collision in full force. Hopefully I can spend the next few minutes sorting out my metacog version of the situation so that when it hits the story pages it makes a little more sense.

Here is what is going on: as I recently mentioned I have been promoting my kids’ sports lives via social media. In that process I quickly learned how ‘about that life’ we are not. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are solid athletes–one of the three is on the cusp of elite status but struggles beating kids older than him and needs more consistency. Still, opening the door to that world has seriously opened my eyes to the amount of labor parents are willing to go through to see their kids reach that status.

One such kid we will call ‘Getabag’ as in, quite literally get a bag of money. This is part of his instagram handle. I coached the kid myself till he was about 8 yrs old. Since that time he’s been all star status across the state and grinding across the state in every football related event possible. I am pretty sure he does daily professional training and plays for at least 3 different 7on7 teams on a weekly basis, and this is the offseason. I’m struggling to imagine the financial and time commitment needed to see that life happen. I’m not doing that. Heck, with three boys I simply cannot.

Yet there is an entire squad of boys around him who are doing just that. It seems that these boys are going to be successful wherever they go in the sport, but at what cost?

I believe this is something I want to explore more in story. The getabag gang sometimes struggles in the classroom (some not all) and they’ve chosen in 7th grade the life they will lead. My kid is not part of that group, though he too is in 7th and intends to play in H.S. Still, he’s ready to sacrifice a summer tourney to go to a math class. That’s good because I’ve decided not to take him anyhow.

Balance is about finding the pleasures of life and childhood while getting better at the things you want to be good at. You don’t have to be only one thing. The bag can be got any number of ways, and the bag is still gonna be there just out of reach until you graduate college.

All of this extra will make you better, but will it make you better enough to make up the difference of what you lost along the way?

Sitting in a session on Differentiated Learning I find myself wondering if this is endgame. It isn’t for me. It is for some. Let me be clear in what I am trying to explain: For some people, their job is their purpose and what measuring stick they define themselves by. For me this is not the case. The writing for me is likely endgame. That and family seem to be in equal balance. The work–the teaching–is something I love, but I don’t define myself by teaching or being a teacher. I think this lives at the core of why some find me abhorrent at the teaching level. I am about these relationships and introducing students to cool shit and to writing as a process. The fundamental structural approach to treating the institution and the goal of building something of the institution as key is not me.

To be clear again: I’m in it for the students in my classroom that day and for what interesting things we can learn and discover together. I couldn’t care less about the organizational politics and power struggle and what people think about me and my role and even my college’s status outside of how that impacts my ability to reach that kid sitting across from me on that given day.

To some I’m small-minded and don’t care about the institution. I’m not mad at that label or assessment. It is short-sighted in of itself. I would not be sitting at a lecture on differentiated instruction trying to strengthen what I do as an instructor if I was just checked out.

I think the larger idea of differentiation is not respected by faculty in general. If, at the classroom level we can expect different things for different students then why can’t different instructors take on different roles and be assessed and viewed based upon what role they fill. We don’t all have to feel one way or be about the same thing. I’m about that classroom interaction, so that is my thing. It doesn’t matter any less than assessment, though it is less visible and far less measurable in dollars and cents.

I guess that is where the rubber hits the road. I guess that is what we are trying to do as an institution. But that is not where I live in my heart.

Done with grading. My partner stopped short of accusing me of slacking in this respect (in terms of offering crap feedback), but she did indicate that ‘things don’t add up’ in regards to my grading speed. Truth be told, I gave far less feedback than I am personally comfortable with. I was, once again, a poor manager of my time.

So, what does that mean moving forward?

I take lessons like this to heart. Every time I write a note to a student I need to recognize that I am impacting that student’s emotional and mental health (see below–I wrote the thoughts first while searching for exactly what I wanted to say today). I also need to recognize that failure to provide enough feedback has the same impact. If you say nothing it does little to promote growth.

With that in mind I am going to move forward towards the summer and fall redesigns (a yearly process) with more emphasis on quick hit assignments that I can give really good feedback about. This way the students are growing from the process and continuing to learn to recognize writing as a process.

Meanwhile I need to continue to respect teaching as a process and get better from step to step, stage to stage. I had someone in my college who ‘ranks’ higher than me recently explain to me that ‘focusing on the students is a good place to start.’ I took immediate offense to the idea, because I see it as a good place to live.

Speaking of places to live… that is a topic for the next blog. Real issues there. I’m discovering that I have a lot to say about it and not a clear sense of how the words ought to go. And on that subject change, back to…

Some Thoughts:

1. Okay, now it is really time to start watching basketball.
2. This is shaping up to be a particularly difficult week in terms of emotional health.
3. 1 and 2 are entirely unrelated.
4. While we are on the subject of health, I am starting to come to grips with the different types of so-called wellness. Emotional is only one of many layers that may or may not corroborate to form overall wellness. Mental and physical are two other layers that do in truth seem corresponding. Perhaps emotional is the glue that holds the three together.
5. All three are a work in progress as we speak.

On Thursday I’ll be presenting Strategies for Developing a Successful Writing Career While Working Full Time. Yeah, me. It makes my partner laugh every time I bring it up. Usually the people who present these talks are the ones who are neatly categorizing every moment of their lives to the point where they look like the cover models for Organization & Happiness Weekly. I’m the guy struggling to put it all together while living in two homes and juggling a crap ton of kids and responsibilities all while striving to make a lot more money than seems possible.

In other words, I’m perfect for the job.

See, the people who have it all figured out are the ones who think it is easy. It is not easy. It is, well, inevitable, if you allow yourself to follow a few basic rules. Those rules are as follows:

1. Be loyal to the words. That is the most important rule. I know it is hard –very hard- to stay consistent as a writer. I am struggling with the 1500k a day. It is extremely hard to reach the plateau and I have failed for the last 4 days. Still, I don’t quit and I don’t try to put in make up words to ensure I maintain the number. I tried that and it felt like I was always playing catch up and then the experience became more stress than was manageable for me to still maintain any real creativity.
2. Let yourself write when the time comes. Also, figure out a time to write. Seriously. It might not be the same time every day, but you should be looking ahead at your schedule and scooping out an amount of time every day that works within that daily schedule. This part matters. Sticking to one specific time a day can also be stressful, and as I argued above, stress means you aren’t being creative.
3. Find a place to let the words loose. I live in two homes and both come with responsibilities and people who want my time and attention (discussed further below). If I’m in a space with them and they are having fun and galavanting and making noise then I cannot focus on what I need to do.
4. Decide how much the words matter. Or in short, prioritize. The words might not be the most important thing. Handle that thing first and then trickle down to the words.
5. Remember to have fun. That is a key one. Once you stop enjoying writing it become onerous. That is a death knell to creativity.

I’m watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. The game is on. The good one–the sixers v. raptors game is on. I am not watching it because I haven’t been involved in the series at all. I’m still in the mode of turn it on in the 4th or turn on the NBA finals. I haven’t gotten into the games that much and have yet to really tune into what teams I like in these playoffs. I know who I don’t like–That’s Golden State. Well, that is a mostly don’t like them kind of situation. I’m looking for them to lose but I am looking forward to watching the games they play, because they play really good basketball.

Some Thoughts:

1. Really was distracted during this blog. I’m doing a presentation on finding time to write, and I believe that what I need to add to the situation is how to write with people around you. I’m not good at that. I get fairly distracted. That is happening right now.

I am grateful for my job.

The job allows me to attend conferences within the USA and even offers some funding to cover costs. I have failed to take advantage of this funding for the past 6 years (or so). That has to stop. Conferences have a dual purpose. As I am now a middling conference speaker myself, I need to go to more of these presentations in order to see what those who are really good at it do during their time. I also need to go to these in order to continue learning and perfecting my craft. In many ways these two things are the same.

Some Thoughts:

1. The 1500 has not been good for the last 48-72 hours. I’ve been failing left and right with the word count. I am swamped with school responsibilities and, more specifically, I am allowing game and fun time to take precedent. This is an important admission. Failing helps me to recognize that the problem is solvable. The problem, as it turns out, is me.
2. Raining out here in the desert. Look, universe, I’ve tried to have a solid outdoors day with my partner twice this month. We are 10 days in and you’ve chosen to bring the rain both days? Come on.
3. I’ve fallen all the way back into Minecraft. The new Villager update is a deeply compelling look at how villages can be shaped and defended and, well, exploited.

Long night filled with moments of joy and frustration. Okay, mostly frustration. I’m not doing so hot with the writing or the sleeping as of today and I think there is more than a passing relationship between the two. When I don’t get sleep–when my family doesn’t get sleep–all of us tend to be the worst versions of ourselves. It is for that reason I don’t think we will be able to go to the workout in the morning. That is probably for the best–I know I need the time for me. I gotta get back to making choices that are about me vs. being about them.

So, here’s some stuff about me.. Some Thoughts about me, actually:

1. I’m beyond the point of feeling odd about liking minecraft. That is a really fun and creative environment.
2. That’s about it… I’m slow and tired tonight.

Let’s forget for a moment how much watching my kids grow up reminds me of how terribly elderly I’ve become. Instead let us put the focus on the freedoms the future might bring. Take work for example: Once my kids leave the house the cost of living will decrease. My partner and I can shrink to a smaller ‘home base’ living space and not have to worry about the kids having room to sleep and keep their stuff. More to the point, I will be past the brief joy of having kids to take to practice and to raise and wonder about. I’ll know they are on their own and our relationship will change and grow into a more evolved situation.

I won’t need to talk to my ex.

I’ll be back to a place where my partner and I do things that are about us all the time. I have not seen a sustainable version of that since before I had kids.

These kind of thoughts cross my mind as I watch my kids age up. I’m excited to see them grow. I’m excited to see them gone. I am excited about the future and what is to come for me and my partner. That excitement helps me get through nights like these when I cannot sleep and the sun threatens to rise before I ever close my eyes.