Author: admin

The difference between good writing and ho hum writing is in the details–not the character details per say, but the moments a character has an introspection, and they create a world view that the reader can identify with. It is through the eyes of the characters that we see the world and the story and even the characters themselves develop and unfold. I tend to forget this important slice of minutiae on the first pass of a story. It is usually during reading, Minecraft meditations, moments of silent reflection on the characters, etc that I find myself remembering to include the tidbits and then quickly scribbling them down on my phone in the form of a text. This is why writers ought to carry notebooks. This is why writers need to think about their characters outside of the story and outside of the context of the story. A reader can feel such things. A reader can feel when a character only exists in that moment on the page and never before or again.

Another recent trick I’ve discovered is thinking about a single scene from each characters perspective–even writing it down if time allows. I believe I will put that into play for the next CRW workshop I host. Take a scene that features more than one character (or in the case of only one character, make the space around them a character and tell the story from its perspective as a second form) and tell that scene from the perspective of each character, taking into account history, motivations, and especially world view.

I have my partner to thank for a lot of this. I am working to see the world from her perspective and see my own actions through her eyes. It is not a pleasant view. It hardly ever is. However, it is important to see the person you are if you hope to achieve the goal of becoming the person you want to become.

Lodestone

There are over 1400 biochemical stress responses ranging from behavioral, to physical, to psychological. It is said that the things we see in comics and movies–thew so called super powers are dreamed up ways that people wish they could respond to stress. A lot of things ‘are said’ and I often wonder who it is that is saying them. I wonder who ‘they’ are that gets in everyones head and helps us to maintain this shared hallucination of a reality. I wonder if ‘they’ are like me. I suspect that they must be in some fundamental way, just as I suspects there are more people like me. I know this because I’ve read the stories. I’ve seen the many pieces of fiction in cultures dating back to before BC. I’ve felt ways I know I should not be feeling, but I’ve never found the source. I’ve never found another one of us.

Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself. My name is Solomon Jackson and I have a very serious problem.

I was born in New York City. I only lived there for a short time. I remember the tall buildings and all of the people. I remember walking around as fast as I could among all of it and never being able to keep up. My mom would carry me down flights of stairs into the bright tunnels of the subway where it smelled like my diapers used to smell when she didn’t change them for a very long time. Down there people would stand in these tunnels and sing or play music or dance on a sheet of cardboard, always pointing to an open cup when they were done. When the train came it drowned them out with sound and people and I would get swept up in the wave. My mom would hold on to me or sit me on a bench high where I could see above their waists and she could see me and feel safe.

I hated this. I hated going down into the tunnels. in spite of how large they were and how small I was I always felt trapped. I always felt like everyone was watching me, if not with their eyes then with another secret part of themselves, knowing I was there and hating me for it. When I closed my eyes I could imagine them moving around me as a swarm, each individual leaving a small part of themselves in the space I filled and I would collect that part of them. It wasn’t until I was in fourth grade and Mrs. Miller did her unit on magnetism that I built a frame of reference for what was happening. In that class shw showed us a metal egg. She laid the egg down in a bed of paperclips and rolled it around. The paperclips stuck to the egg, building a shell around it. That is how the emotions that people left on me would would stick to me.

I’m going to try to avoid being negative.

The headspace of negativity is not very productive. It’s like in Monsters INC, y’know? I’m not going to explain that, because of the inherent spoilers. On the other hand, you should have seen it by now. Ticht Nhat Hanh writes, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” If you go to the website where I found that particular quote you’ll see beneath that he also writes, “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.” That encapsulates the lesson I need in these days. I must remember how to transform suffering into joy.

I believe part of that is learning to live a more compassionate life. Part of it too is to live to bring joy and understanding and peace to those I love. I’m not terribly good at that, but I need to get better. I used to listen to Gil Fronsdal a lot. He gives these Dharma talks in which he discusses and sometimes even translates the words of the Buddha. Gil talks about action a lot and ow action can be a form of meditation or, most recently, refuge. I’ve been swollen with inaction, so perhaps it is time for me to move forward.

Time to start making plans and executing them.

Some Thoughts:

1. My male dog acts a total fool when my female approaches ‘heat’. He’s becoming difficult to be around. I wonder if we humans are like that?

It is that time of the week where I complain about overhyped NFL players, Overhype youth sports, and, give you all the update on how things are going in this neck of the sporting world. I want to start with an open claim: eSports are starting to gain legitimate traction and they are doing so because of the streams and the youtube videos. Before too long being a gamer is going to be synonymous with or even higher standing than being an athlete in one of the ‘wee three’ (Tennis, Hockey, Soccer). I don’t like it, but there it is… or may be.

On to the youth stuff.

I found myself in a conversation with a former coach and now fan (which is exactly who I am now) about how his kid’s team has finally risen. They’ve hyped themselves up to the point where they believe they are the top unit in the state. They aren’t. They may not even be the top spring unit. They play my boy’s team this weekend and my boy is going out to watch. He’s curious. He misses his QB and his other team friends (don’t get me started on the social status of the QB and the power dynamic in football vs. other sports). I think that team, the AZ Raiders, can beat my kid’s team, the Argos, but I don’t think they will. Why? Better coaching.

Meanwhile, my mid kid has only ever played for three youth teams and two of them are going head to head this weekend following that Raiders dust up. He’s planning to be there. He’s planning to suit up for his old team and give a little bit of what for to the new team, the one he ended his youth career with. He’s been given permission to play out this season with the 13s, and have a little fun. So far, he’s had a lot of fun.

That is what it is supposed to be about at this level–learning and fun. It is, sort of. It is largely about ego and winning, and the latter can be fun, but it isn’t teaching kids how to enjoy the game even when they are not winning. I don’t know how we do that anymore. I don’t know how we make them want to practice and compete unless we have them on these teams that win. On the other hand, I don’t know how to teach them resilience without loss. It’s a learning process throughout.

Yep, another negative blog.

When I clicked on the website it showed a Sunday post and I froze. I don’t miss days. I do fail to hit publish on occasion. On more than one occasion, actually. That is a nasty habit that came partially as a result of the double click needed to publish and partially as me simply not having my stuff together. So, I decided today was a good day to talk about slipping. I’m definitely slipping. In some ways I handle my business but in others I just am not putting the mental reps in as needed. Heck, even now I am asking myself is it Monday or Tuesday?

Covid bears some responsibility. My days are no longer tethered to a work schedule. I don’t watch live TV and there’s no football, so Sunday is just the day my kids go back to their Mom–which is something I don’t want to remember vs. something I do. However, I can’t put too much of the blame on how the world shifted. I need to recognize how I shifted and how I’ve failed to be the best version of myself in this situation.

Yep, another negative blog, indeed.

So, now I need to reign in my focus on getting my act together. I need to do the scheduling I wrote about before. I need to put myself in a state of mind where I am loyal to my priorities. I need to get right mentally and physically while I still have the ability to do just that.

I’ve gotten to the point where I am practically out of distractions.

I tend to use video games as a way to escape the oft sad reality of my work life (and occasionally the rest of my life as well), but lately the games have not held the same oomph as in previous months, years, etc. It isn’t that I am getting too old but instead I feel as though the weight of what needs doing is just too much for me to push aside–even to the point where gaming to clear my head is less effective. So, I need a new mental palette cleanser.

Some Thoughts:

1. These blogs are getting shorter and shorter, which is clearly reflective of me not having a whole lot to say and typing slower and slower as a result. Already I’m down to the final four minutes of this thing and I’ve said next to nothing.
2. So, there is a good takeaway: Stress sheds the ability to be fast in production when needing to be fast is what often brings stress.
3. The key, I believe, is to find joy in the moments–even the really hard ones. To reflect and learn is to grow and continue down the path. The path is all there is. The moments line the path like trees offering a view.
4. My wonderful blended family had a few good moments this weekend and that brought me some joy.
5. I need to take more time to make more lists of joy and remember the view.
6. I’m trying to also find moments to teach my kids how to be better men. This should be the way but it has not been. I’ve lapsed hard in the pop department.

New week rolling in and I have a lot on the plate to get handled. I am behind on stuff, which feels like ‘the way’ anymore. I am also apparently managing my time very poorly. I don’t live a life where I can just chill with the kids for half a day two out of three days of a weekend. When I do it just inflames everything around me–work, love, all of it.

So, now I am trying to figure out a way to condense the work (meaning writing and grading and planning) stuff so that I can do more of the chilling. This feels like it is not possible, so I will likely do far less chilling. My life often feels like a negotiation and I don’t always know how to negotiate or who I am negotiating with. Here is what I learned about negotiation: Never come out and say what you want, because not only will you not get it, but the wanting itself is going to cause some offense.

Some Thoughts:

1. Looking forward to…. Yeah I don’t know how to finish that sentence.

Don’t have a whole thing planned to say… just…

Some Thoughts:

1. The reason the RNC likes a strongman is because it is built around the principles of follow and eventually we will get to your agenda. Trump actually fits that. Whats worse is that they will openly forgive all of his maladies because his strongman charisma is electable. No, not entirely, but he’s better than what was put up against him the first time and will likely be better than Biden the second.
2. First motorized sushi in a while and we did it for the boy’s big day. It was nice.
3. Men hide in bathrooms as a way to not be gross around their women.
4. I feel like looking at my own dislike of Sam Darnold is unacceptable because it feels like acquiescing to the notion that he’s a top QB. Resist!
5. First time I’ve watched something ‘spit out my water’ funny in a while. It was the dude who strapped a fake bomb to a Lamb’s back and pointed the lamb in the direction of people to see what would happen. The music drop made me spit out my drink. “Run! da da daa daa daa daa da da daa daa daa”
6. Better blogs to come when I’m not tired after 10pm.
7. Seriously. Don’t quit this bitch.

The Word of the Day is Vendetta

I don’t believe in vengeance. Well, I didn’t believe in it. I thought I was above such things. I watched people watch the movies focused on vengeance and found it entirely distasteful. All of the shooting always made me cover my ears. All of the blood made me cover my eyes. I suppose it all changed for me when he stopped treating me right.

It wasn’t a sudden shift. It was not an overnight change from love to hate or even a change to hate. He loved me, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel the connection–the warmth that kept my heart from shivering at night. So, I grew cold and I grew distant in my loneliness. I decided that he needed to feel what I felt and perhaps then he would understand.

I started with small things. I traded out his underwear for smaller sizes, so he would think he was getting fatter. I laced the meals with sleep agents so he would grow heavy and tired after each one. Little by little I changed the fine elements of his life until all at once he felt not himself. He felt as I felt. He felt alone and dejected in every moment of the day.

This was my vengeance; my vendetta against him.

Part of me wants to spend the next ten complaining about everything that is sub par in my life. Part of me wants to talk about relationships and the realization that I am a bad partner and likely love saboteur. I don’t want to bring folks down tonight, so I will skip the Jibber Jabber. What I will do instead is talk briefly about being a writer and how I try to channel experience into fiction.

That’s the whole game, btw.

We writers take the things we see and experience and scratch them down on a page in order to allow others to share experiences and perhaps learn a little about themselves by how they feel about characters and how they feel about what they themselves would do in those situations. As such the best of us are the ones who’ve been through a little bit and are willing to put that down on paper. This is a very hard thing to do. I’ve been through a few dark moments–suicidal ideations, divorce, destroying relationships, critical injuries, etc. These are the wood I put in the firepit to build a fiery story.

I also add people. I base my characters in part off of me or people close to me. The key dynamic is them but I change reactions or how they choose to present themselves or manipulate history and project what would or could be as a result of the situations their past presented them. This is useful in making sure the characters are not the same or have similar reactions, etc.

I do it because it is an exorcism. I do it to get the thoughts free of me and deal with issues and emotions in a way that makes me feel like I have choice and control whereas real life often offers me neither. It makes me a kind of nihilist at times, but it keeps me standing upright and moving. Also, I like the feeling I get when I’m in the groove of a story.

Some Thoughts:

1. The Sam Darnold love has to stop. The man was picked ahead of every QB but Mayfield and it feels like the media pundits will try to go to their grave defending him. He was picked ahead of Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! He’s a bust. He’s not nearly as good as them. Why was it so easy to dismiss Josh Rosen and not this guy? Is it the USC thing? USC Qb’s have not been that great overall. Stop. Just stop. He’s not worth it. Dude has a lower QBR than Mason Rudolph. S-T-O-P.