Author: admin

Monday in the break is a good day for me. I feel as though there is a lot I can build on in this break to move back towards building a life that I enjoy and one that my partner enjoys. I’m happy right now and that is good. I am also flat out of ideas to write about. I am in the recharge phase, which I truly enjoy. When I’m not charging I am writing this new project. I don’t have a ton to say about the project other than the novel has my interest more than the novella, but the novella has a lot of good to it in it’s own right.

Some Thoughts:

1. New Madden season and this one is really interesting because I am finally in the salary cap gulag. I won’t be able to sign players for two years, which means I need to rely on the draft to bring in new talent. I’ve already screwed up badly with bringing in a Running Back when I needed a TE and trying to convert that RB and it not going well at all.
2. Still watching Entourage with the grown ups. What an odd trip down memory lane…

Tis the season to be Jolly and to reflect and to be merry and to question how the life you live is in line with the life you want to live. I have been thinking about the life I live and the joy I find in everyday moments and I am indeed happy. I am happy in my writing life (I am very behind, but I love my sessions) and I am happy in my leisure with my love. This upcoming semester offers me a lighter workload due to how the classes are split.

The problem I face this upcoming year is a huge money shortage. I am going to be struggling with making ends meet and getting enough money to have the summer my partner and I are dreaming of having, but I am going to find a way to make ends meet and make this magic come to life. I have to.

Some Thoughts:

1. Enjoying a nice evening with part of the family as the boys here are doing an anime quiz and the girl is drawing. This is how life is here. Short of me playing Madden, this moment is our every day. I find peace in this and it is good for a few hours but it isn’t a full life.

Strolling down memory lane on a Saturday night. Watching Entourage with the lady and the grown kid and thinking about the Madden 2-4-5 Nickel D. I’m having a good evening and life feels like it is going in a positive direction. This is a solid evening and not one where I have any real sense of a solid post. Instead I give you…

Some Thoughts:

1. Rewatching a show after a long time gives you a chance to reevaluate what it was you liked about the show and the characters and who you identified with.
2. Trying to finish this novella by Monday. I’m firmly in the ‘think I can’ category.
3. Computer is not working very well right now and everything is being typed on a delay.

Let me begin by saying this IS a Christmas movie as much as Die Hard may be called a Christmas movie–perhaps more so because the message generated by this film is so absolutely in the Spirit of the Season that it cannot be anything but a Christmas movie. Also, clocking in at 2.5 hrs it would basically have to be a super hero version of it’s a wonderful life.

Okay, not entirely, but dang there are echoes.

WW84 is an enjoyable ride along with one of DC’s most iconic characters. Since the arrival of Ms. Marvel she has been seen as a kind of tentpole for feminism, though a different flavor of such than what Ms. Marvel presents. This is part of the reason I did not really enjoy the evolution of this film. More and more Wonder Woman is being portrayed as Superman the female version. More and more I find that I reject this story, reject the arc that creates it, and above all else reject that a female super hero has to be derivative of a male super hero or a male super hero plot structure.

Yet, here we are again.

Instead of granting us a new and interesting structure and idea, DC trots out the same old stuff that fueled a generation of Christopher Steele movies. Yes, there is good stuff there and yes it is fun enough to sit through, but that might not be enough to carry a universe on it’s back. At this point it has to. There are no other DC megastars producing film franchises worth watching. Not yet at least.

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And the family was near
All folks were merry and filled with great cheer

The usual drama had come and had passed
The people were ready for good times at last

I was playing Madden and having great fun
I discovered the joy of the run and gun

I stopped just to see what time it was here
The sun was still out; not a star did appear

Not a cloud or a stain on the sky did I see
I knew that good weather was destined for me

For Christmas in the desert comes without the snow
We rely on the lights and the presents to know

We wear our short sleeves and sit by the fire
For this is the place where people retire

But I’m not retired; there’s work yet to do
I must make merry for my Christmas crew

A few years just passed there was Christmas for five
The children were little and not one could drive

Now we are a new family eight faces in all
a few of them short but most of them tall

Most of them happy and merry and bright
Most of them boys who always think their right

Together we make the holiday glow
It doesn’t even matter that we don’t get snow

We get each other and thats all we need
With presents to open and stories to read

And stories to to tell and stories to make
And history to build and futures to take

Its not our first Christmas but it feels rather grand
With kids all around me and partner in hand.

I’m happy, I’m healthy (at least I little, I think)
My days are merry and my job doesn’t stink

The Covid didn’t get us or tear us apart
If anything it brought them all close to my heart

I am very grateful of what I have here
My family, my love, brings that single tear
They make my emotions run fast as the wind
I love them right now and straight till the end

And end this I must because time has passed
This ten minute poem must end at last…

Merry Xmas to all!!!!

500 plays.

That is how many you get to cram into a Madden offense. It sounds like a lot and in a sense it is, but in the thick of a game 500 plays feels like you actually only have two or three plays you can run, and at times it feels like you have no plays at all. I’ve hit a point in my Madden game where my offense is completely stalled. I can attribute some of that to the sad fact that I used to rely on a few cheese plays to best the PC, but the rest is pure lack of imagination and skill. I’m struggling with my Madden offense, and as a result my defense is starting to fall flat. I’ve lost the last two games to my kids and that is not acceptable. Change gotta come.

My new offense is based on an online playbook called flexible. This offered a few formations I’ve never tried and gave me the chance to find a couple of run plays that ought to be successful with the caliber of players I have in the shared league. I am presently testing it out on a solo season as a remade version of the Jets with a few high tier players. However, I have not put up that many points yet vs. the CPU. In fact, my high point this season is 28 and that involved at least 7 points due to a cheese play and 7 more due to the defense. In other words, I am slumping still.

My new strategy is to test the system out online by facing real users and seeing if I can put some points on them using a team with a similar caliber/style of player as I have in my league. I’ve chosen the Cowboys based on their running game and the WR corps being a slower but similar bunch of talents. I’ll let you all know how it goes.

What I think I need to do is to write down a few sets/plays I want to attack with and have a gameplan going into these games. So far I don’t operate in that fashion, so when I get in trouble I tend to fall back on poor strategies and play calling that has not worked in a long time. I should be able to eat with this team, but we are the worst offense in a league that only includes four human players. In other words, every bot is better than me right now.

I have real work to due at this game before I am humiliated by season’s end. ‘Tis not the season to be booty-whapped.

The problem I have with literature is not the writing or the writers, but the analysts and people who align themselves with one type of literature or another, clinging to their specific field of understanding with the fervor of a pitbull holding on to a kill. I don’t feel that way about writing. I feel like story is central and I can relate to a number of stories and and number of genres and find value in all of them. I don’t rank them. I don’t act as though one ‘genre’ or style has more meaning than the other. I can accept that there is good and bad writing. I can accept that there is value in both.

As I write this I am looking at the spine of a text entitled, The Literary Essays of Ezra Pound. Certainly there is some good stuff in there. Ezra Pound was a G. He was able to take a few scant words and carve an impression in my head that never leaves. That is powerful magic right there. Stephen King does the same thing. Craig Alanson fills me with joy every time I pick up one of his books to listen to (I’ve only ever listened to C.A. and never enjoyed the work in the classic sense).

I believe in all of these writers. I believe they all have value, but to speak of literature you will only hear one of them mentioned. To speak of wealth and breadth of readership and reach you’ll hear a different one mentioned. That is a lasting curiosity of writing–who decides who is great.

I rant, but I do feel there is value in the argument. What is and isn’t literature should not determine what is or isn’t enjoyed. We should not set our culture into castes based on who and what we read or watch or listen to, though we always have. Those at the so-called top of the ladder separate themselves with the trappings of wealth but add to that refinement the concept of what should be consumed and what level of intellect is required to understand such things. I find this false, false, false.

True value in writing is the connection that is established with the reader and how those words we write help them see themselves and their world in a different light and how those words help them travel a little further down their own road to enlightenment.

Some Thoughts:

1. The way to stop from drowning in a well of emotion you cannot do anything about is, for a moment, to think about anything else. Channel that into becoming your life preserver. Float on ring of thoughts that are utterly disconnected from the situation that is your reality. This is how and why people fall into addiction–it presents an escape from everything around them.
2. In theory this is not healthy, but in practice it sure as hell can and should be healthy. It should be a smart way to disconnect; to free your mind from the thoughts that are drowning you and to present you a moment to breathe and to consider ways that you can fix that reality. Of course, in practice people tend to cling to the other world–the escape becomes the reality and this is a very bad and destructive thing.
3. As with all of the universe the key is balance. Even if balance is a temporary act.

I think I found my Madden mojo a little bit. I use the game as a palette cleanser lately, either between writing sessions or as a way to not think about the problems crushing my life. At least Madden is going well. Not much actually is going all that great. That isn’t what this. I’m not going to spend this blog talking about.

Also not going to talk about Trump or the stimulus or any of that. 2020 is ending, and I am looking forward to ’21 and the hope and possibility it can bring.

Some Thoughts:

1. Neck pain has ebbed some but the more I move it the more the pain returns. I need to get right in my body as much as I need to get on the right page with intentions and knowing how to get to the place I want to be in life with the person I want to be with.

I’ve discovered I am not very good at Madden 21. I am usually good at Madden, but my kids are getting older and better and the game is developing more and more of a community to teach them through video about how to play the game better and how to beat players that rely on the classic strategies I rely on. Beyond this, I haven’t adjusted to the way the AI adjusted to run plays and now I cannot run.

I’ve been reading articles (yeah, I’m still pre-video where possible) that cover the ins and outs of modifying protections in the pass and run game. I use those line shifts for the pass, but this year they may work for the run as will ID’ng the Mike to bring extra help against particularly rough LBs.

What triggered this? I am in the latest season of our league and I cannot run the ball. I have 3 Rbs of 91+ rating (We can talk about my management problems in another blog) and I think 9 rbs overall, each with a slew of talents and two of the 9 are superstar x-factor backs who should be world beaters. They cannot move the ball at ALL against a human opponent and any one of them are hard pressed to break 100 yards in a game vs. an All Pro CPU without using broken cheater plays.

I just moved to a different playbook–a modded version of the Saints book–in order to bring new plays, but I need to up my own skills in order to solve this problem. I have the all star line. I have the 90+ FB and I don’t have a whole lot of success. There is work to be done.

In this final stretch before Christmas I find myself not excited at all about the season or the upcoming year. It is coming to a hard stop, and I’ve had about all I can of the associated drama.

I wish Trump would go away. I wish the news would let him. I wish I understood my limits and boundaries and expectations. I wish I understood those of others. I wish a lot of things. I wish I could think of something more than just…

Some Thoughts:

1. It is entirely possible that I am not built for long lasting relationships. I am selfish, thoughtless, and exist on engrained principles that are not what is right for the people around me. The things I find natural are antithetical to those around me. I used to think that was a black and white cultural thing, but I fear the reality is that I was raised a specific and shitty way, which has led to me becoming the person I am today.
2. Honestly, that person is crumbling. In some ways I can be petty and vengeful and angry. I can put my personal needs above those of the others around me. I have a highly defined sense of what is right and what I am willing to accept vs. not accept and I make every effort to avoid looking at that or challenging that.
3. This steadfastness is (or has) destroying my one true relationship, and after that ends I don’t know what I intend to do as a person or if I even have any expectation of having a life beyond work and playing games.
4. If you are wondering how long that will sustain me, the answer is: I don’t actually know. It doesn’t sustain me now, nor has it ever, so I’m guessing it won’t. I’ll probably float along a bit longer until I am out of distractions.