In this final stretch before Christmas I find myself not excited at all about the season or the upcoming year. It is coming to a hard stop, and I’ve had about all I can of the associated drama.
I wish Trump would go away. I wish the news would let him. I wish I understood my limits and boundaries and expectations. I wish I understood those of others. I wish a lot of things. I wish I could think of something more than just…
Some Thoughts:
- It is entirely possible that I am not built for long lasting relationships. I am selfish, thoughtless, and exist on engrained principles that are not what is right for the people around me. The things I find natural are antithetical to those around me. I used to think that was a black and white cultural thing, but I fear the reality is that I was raised a specific and shitty way, which has led to me becoming the person I am today.
- Honestly, that person is crumbling. In some ways I can be petty and vengeful and angry. I can put my personal needs above those of the others around me. I have a highly defined sense of what is right and what I am willing to accept vs. not accept and I make every effort to avoid looking at that or challenging that.
- This steadfastness is (or has) destroying my one true relationship, and after that ends I don’t know what I intend to do as a person or if I even have any expectation of having a life beyond work and playing games.
- If you are wondering how long that will sustain me, the answer is: I don’t actually know. It doesn’t sustain me now, nor has it ever, so I’m guessing it won’t. I’ll probably float along a bit longer until I am out of distractions.