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Rarely do I have a Friday where next to nothing is going on. This is a huge opportunity–to have such a day, as it indicates my life has hit a point where everything isn’t so batshit crazy that I can step back and breathe a sigh of relief. Of course this is an illusion. What I am doing is not listing and not focusing in on the things that need to be done. This too is part of a freedom Friday. you are allowed to forget that which you wish you could forget.

I wish I could forget being sick, because… damn.

I am looking forward to honing in on my writing in the next few weeks, because I have hit that sweet spot where school isn’t dragging me. It lasts for a few months in this fashion before I am dragged again. One side note on that being the small mountain of school business I’m conveniently pushing to next semester.

The pushing ought to stop. I gotta get a bunch of things in order so I can find some lasting peace and balance.

A brief walk with my partner today served as a stark reminder of how violently out of shape I am. I need to get better at that balance I keep talking about. I’m getting older and all recent signs point to the possibility of diabetes. I don’t take care of myself the way I need to, and it shows. Sitting in an 85 degree office doesn’t help either. Neither does being sick.

Still, the walk represents a turned leaf. I plan to get these in four days a week. I also want to get right back in the habit of gym work, and I need to be prepared to sweat and work for the body I’ve spent so long destroying.

Work you body, work your mind. This must be the motto moving forward. The struggle is real here. I’m losing that struggle, and I have too dang much talent to surrender and fall this quickly.

Some Thoughts:

1. I truly need to get a new AC for the back half of this house. The Ac situation is out of control.
2. I was able to get back on Madden and do the draft with the kids. I picked up several of the players I wanted, but not all. It was a good draft to be sure, and I am looking for the next bomb draft. The new format works for us. No trades means we build through skill, draft, and free agency.
3. I didn’t publish the blog last night again. This has to stop. I was out of it and only hit the publish button once I presume.

I am writing this before I depart for the New York State of Mind Concert featuring Wu-tang and Nas. I have not seen either for years and never Nas live. I’m getting up there in years, which argues they too are approaching their fifties. With so many of the hip hop stars I grew up following passing away, I feel like this concert is a moment in time. Coolio died just the other day, and while he wasn’t peak rap, he did sell the crossover and pave the way for guys like Nelly and make rap more mainstream, which led to this huge concert here in the desert tonight.

Rap is a state of mind as is NY. That state of mind has changed over the years and I feel like this is an opportunity to step back in time and, in a sense, remember the face of my father. I haven’t been my best self and perhaps this moment of joy and history will serve to help me remember who I was trying to be.

Football is easy… to talk about. I continue to find myself a bit frustrated when I watch my kids who haven’t played organized tackle (vs. the ones who have) talk about the game like everyone who plays at the professional level is so stupid and doesn’t understand what to do ever. To me it feels different to analyze it once you’ve been on the field and have had a 300 pound man racing at you at nineteen miles an hour. The time I got into a major car accident felt like I’d merely faced off with a linebacker while coming across the middle. Honestly, the latter hurt more. So, there are levels of knowledge and understanding that, reflexively, trigger me when people act like they know it all and don’t. That being said, I’ve never coached past 14/15 year olds so, there is that. I’ve never played beyond semi-pro, so there is that. All of that being said, I still feel mildly qualified to make a few picks.

I was wrong about the Giants pick, but I should’ve been right. Two key injuries reshaped that game. We were without Leonard Williams (for the first time in his career) and that offered their run game a chance to excel. We were also without K. Toney, and that meant relying on useless weaponry like Kenny Golladay. 3 key targets. 0 catches. All drops. My son noted that he made 700k that game. I truly hope a WR needy team takes him off our hands for a decent price. We gotta move on, man.

This week the Giants move on to Chicago. In spite of the two teams having a 2-1 record, they are not the same. Chicago, IMHO, is not very good. They ought to be exposed this week in the Meadowlands.

Miami, at 3-0, is also a huge surprise to most. They are the fastest offense in the NFL and that is going to be proven yet again tomorrow night. I’m calling this one for team Cheetah.

London is calling. Unfortunately, they dialed up two terribly mediocre teams. New Orleans is the better of the two and likely the only one bound for the playoffs this season.

Cleveland might be without Garrett after he suffered injuries in a single car accident on the way how from the game. He was dodging an animal on the road, overcorrected, and rolled his vehicle. He’ll be okay, but will he be okay in time to play? Atlanta really hopes not.

Baltimore has been solid. Buffalo has been solid, but Buff is missing it’s entire secondary. I don’t know if they can contain Lamar without the passing game. Gosh, I so truly hope this man signs with NY.

We aren’t going to talk about Dallas. We are going to talk about Seattle. Geno is proving to be a decent transitional guy. They still need to find a true starter for the future, but the present is in capable hands.

Chargers need this bounce back game vs. Houston.

That’s all I have time for today

To quote the Wu, “I’ma rub your ass in the moonshine. Lets take it back to ’79“

That was 8 years ago. My first born was 10 and playing youth basketball. I was coaching all three boys and I’d received a letter from a mom griping about the 6-7 year old team. She was complaining about rumors that the so-called star players had been playing together forever and were the focus of the team. I remember the situation, because it highlighted an awful truth about youth sports: It is really about parents feeling good about their kids being the star. I remember the anger that went through me at the letter and at the games themselves. It mattered so much back then. It was so important to see the kids enjoy it and maybe learn a lot and have some success in the process. I wanted wins. I wanted to beat specific coaches that, as it turns out, I still have friendships with today. In fact, the coach in question for that 10-12 game will be coaching my youngest at the freshman level next year. Funny how the earth spins and alliances change and some people simply don’t move off their spot.

I’ve moved. I am finally willing to relinquish the nasty grip of youth sports and embrace the more important things in my life… Things like Madden 23. No, seriously. I’m in a space where I am working towards a healthier sense of balance, a shorter list of responsibilities, and I am trusting in my kids to manage their own lives in order to have time to have one of my own. I think that makes this life worth it.

I’m plotting my new novel from a different direction. The story involves characters who enter into a situation that is already happening and their impact on the situation changes it and them forever. So, I am starting with the situation and the history and the people surrounding it. This is a new approach. Generally, I tell a story about the characters and start from them, but here they are getting involved in a preexisting plot and who they are will change the arc of that plot. In order to do so, I need to develop a separate set of players–protagonist, antagonist, etc. These are the people who are having their own story unfold and I am deep in the telling of that. Some of those moments will cross into the written story, so I am working on developing all of that to the best of my ability.

I like this approach. I’ve long been taught that the story begins when the character’s normal lives are interrupted. The hero’s journey takes that one step further by starting with the normal world and leading us into the interruption. This structure is a shift in perspective, because it puts the emphasis on everything else happening in this world and forces the characters to react to that steady driving rain of action and intensity in a way that forces who they are as individuals into question.

Of course, I already have high hopes of making this one better than the last one.

Some Thoughts:

1. Hitting that point in the semester where it all needs to come together. It hasn’t yet…
2. Also hitting that point where I have a ton of responsibilities to check into. I haven’t yet…
3. Giants lost. It was a good game. We lost Shep again. That’s a huge loss and people are gonna need to step up and make plays. Giants really need K. Toney. Where you at, Joka?!
4. Life is feeding me lemons. I’m gonna plant the seeds and see what grows.

Made it to another Sunday.

Making it through another Sunday. The part that makes these days difficult is the impending onslaught of classes and responsibilities when all I really want to do is kick back with my family, write some words, and play some games… and watch some football. I’ve done most of that list today, and this ten minute burst of inspiration is the writing part.

Some Thoughts:

1. I think I figured out a solid way to make the family Madden league fun. We banned trades. Trading was ruining the experience, because the trade AI is janky at best. We banned trades and need to rely on drafting and free agency to improve our squads. We are presently voting on a rule to modify Superstar abilities and X-factors in the offseason. It will of course come to a vote. They want to be able to get the ‘best’ abilities and specifically the ones best suited to their play styles. I say draft or sign players that role like that. Part of me gets a coach forcing you to play a certain way, but it doesn’t mean you’re given special abilities in that style.
2. My team, The Giants, are in jeopardy of missing the playoffs in Madden and, since that was my season goal, I am in jeopardy of getting fired in year one. Whoa. I’d have to win out and rely on luck to make it at this point. The outcome is no longer entirely in my control and that is due to failures spread across the season–failures that start with bad QB play. I’m not a good QB player to begin with and this is me with Desmond Ridder. One game he threw at least 9 picks. He will not be my starter next year. He’ll be 3rd string at best.
3. Madden is a mixed bag for me.

Thich Nhat Hang writes, “Hope is important, because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.” I find truth in his words, but I also find several questions. What happens in the absence of hope? Why can’t we make today better? These are fundamental questions to my life. I am a man who carries a lot inside. Eventually it spills on to the page in some manner. If it does not then it chokes me until I become less of who I am–I burn away more of that connection to what makes me a person. I have struggled lately with watching myself erode and not taking care of myself or even thinking to create conditions that will make me better equipped to bear hardship. Instead I eat it all.

Then I vomit it all out all over my partner.

That makes me a bad person more times than not. So, I need to find a better way. I need to treat the people around me better. I need to deal with my shit better, and I need to embrace this idea of hope in a realistic way.

There are so many good things in my life–my partner, my writing, my kids, not being homeless, the freedom to vacation, a job I truly enjoy. Those alone constitute a life worth bearing the the hard times for. Each alone is enough to create a life around. I need to be thankful for who I am and more importantly, who I have around me–and who they have around themas opposed to spending so much time worrying about who is thankful for me.

History is supposed to be the great teacher. We are meant to learn from our trials and mistakes and those of the others who came before us. We stand on the backs of giants, so to speak. However, we often ignore history or relegate it to a ‘different time and condition’ preferring to think that our situation doesn’t have the same hallmarks of human nature that theirs did. Each time I speak with my son about football, I feel that. Without vocalizing it, his drop in effort and attitude shows me that he intends to quit this team–if he hasn’t done so already in his heart. On the eve of his homecoming game he is more concerned about not being the starter and thus reduced playing time than he is about the condition that got him there. He has decided that the coach likes another player better than him, despite his being ‘the better player’. Thus he feels like he isn’t getting a fair chance, however circumstances say that he is getting a fair chance and his attitude is what is dragging him to the bottom of the pack.

There are 4 cornerbacks on the varsity squad who will play. My son used to be #1. He’s fallen to #4 very quickly. He feels like 1 and 2 are coach favorites. That’s fine. ‘Why aren’t you 3?’ I ask, but he has no answer. I see the answer in his face. He isn’t putting in the effort that he claims he is. He is giving up on himself they way I gave up on myself who I was in college. So, maybe it is time I tell him that story. Maybe he calls me a old head and rails about how different it is. Maybe he realizes that the owness is on him, finally.

It is hard to be happy around unhappy people. This is made worse if you are in fact attached to those of such unhappiness. It is natural to both feel responsible for their sadness and responsible for relieving them of that sadness. This is all true if you are me, and I am surrounded by people who are not happy. It impacts me on a daily basis. I would argue that I am not the happiest person I can be under these circumstances. I would also argue that it harder to deal with my own crap when I am in this situation.

Rant over.

The truth is that we can only control so much in our lives. I’ve managed to submarine myself financially and part of this shared unhappiness is a result of that. It goes deeper, of course, but the part I think is important is recognizing that you are where you are and there has to be a opportunity to find and maintain happiness in that space until you can free yourself of it. Drowning in misery doesn’t help anything or anyone in your life. I, personally, am quite bad and desperate in times of misery. It morphs very quickly into anger (often of the righteous variety) and that helps no one as well. I’m learning how to be better and find the light.

Thich Nhat Hang says, “People deal too much with the negative, with what’s wrong. Why not try to see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?” I aim to do that in my existence.