4.416. Reflections on a Monday Night

I am whelmed. Robin would be proud. Of course I’ve always attempted to pattern myself after the boy wonder. I don’t much think of myself as a boy anymore (though I will always be 12) but I still fall into the idea of the play and fun and lightheartedness of the moment.

I am whelmed. I had a very hard day today, but it didn’t defeat me. I have a hard day tomorrow and I’m ready to get at it. Moreover, I see room for growth. I took on today without a shred of organization and still got stuff done. Tomorrow won’t be as simple, I suspect. I have a pair of early meetings and a ton of work to follow. On the upside it feels like I have an opportunity to make some home progress, and that is going to be wonderful if it happens.

The if is the downside. While I am making progress in some areas the open acceptance of potential failure is a bad key. I need to live more in the positive space, especially at times where the people around me are deep in the struggle. So, yes, I am whelmed.

I am behind on a few things, but I have it under control. I even feel a desire to move forward with story this week. That is important and that is monumental in terms of change.

Life can be really amazing if you let it. I read an article today predicting how (and perhaps when) the universe will come to a close and it got me thinking about a few things in my own life. This life story has a conclusion and it is, likely, oblivion. In the meanwhile I have a responsibility to myself to enjoy the moments I have left. So, I’m going to do that and do everything I can to not feel so damn guilty about it. So, yeah.

Just for giggles: Robin’s Whelmed Quote..

Some Thoughts:

  1. I had one. Seriously. Then it got away.

4.415. On Happiness and Emptiness and All the point in Between

Watching This is 40 tonight filled me with a strange sense of deja vu. I’ve seen the film before but as I am firmly in my mid forties I feel I’ve lived quite a bit of the conversations that took place throughout. It made me question this crazy roller coaster of a life I live in a time where I’ve already been questioning it and doing my best to endure parts of it. I am overwhelmed, largely due to an inability to slow down and recoup and reorganize. I am doing a lot and I am often left to wonder if there is any real gain to what I am doing or am I just treading water until my arms grow too tired to continue.

To continue the metaphor, I am not going to be rescued. Everything I am doing and needs to be done has to be done by me and quickly. I’m in a position where I am dealing with a lot of financial pressure (kid needs surgery) and paying for a house that is not even live in ready. All the while I am feeling the pressure of trying to build a better life that is centered in my partner and I, while I contend with the truth of her own unhappiness in this life.

So, yeah. Treading water.

I am tired. I am someone who finds immense pleasure in moments and I can still find those moments but I cannot at this point string enough of them together to say I live a happy life. I can say that I feel loved. I feel other things as well, but in the end I know my partner has my back. That’s a change from life before her. If you add in the kids then there are at least a few people who won’t cut me loose at first sign of tension…

And boy am I tense.

4.414. Reflections on a Saturday Night

It’s close to midnight, but nothing evil lurks within the dark. There’s barely moonlight and I can’t think of a to take to heart… Okay bad MJ riff. I am in full burnout this evening. I’ve been working extremely hard this week, and it has me entirely drained. Unfortunately I have much more to do before the week begins and even more as I move through the week itself.

This has been an object lesson in disorganization. When I am organized I get the work done smoothly. When I am not organized it goes very badly. This week has gone very badly.

I’m tired and in need of sleep and reset.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Many many actors are typecast and usually by look or race. It is a strange thing to behold. You get to know the actor by their appearances and after a while that is all they can be to you is that one thing.

4.413. Freewrite Friday

Often in story there is a good guy and a bad guy–white vs. black, if you will. In that classic structure good is supposed to triumph over evil after making a grand sacrifice that forever changes the hero. This is a reminder to us all that the nature of victory is pyrrhic and the nature of the universe arcs towards justice. Yet what is justice? Is Justice good? Is good not what we decide good is? Arianna Edgerton thought just that as she marched herself towards the principals office, nose bloodied. It was moments before the second period bell was to ring and she should have been headed for Mrs. Wellingham’s Social Studies class. Instead her universe arced in the opposite direction, towards Mrs. Wells and certain repercussions.

As Arianna walked she spoke to herself, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw” and again, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw.”

Principal Wells prided herself on an open door policy. Students were free to walk in whenever they wanted, so long as whenever they wanted did not interfere with the classes they were meant to be in at that time or the hurried shift between those classes. Arianna paid this, nor the assistant seated just outside that open door, any mind. She marched determinedly into the large blue walled office, wiping blood from her nose with the back of her hand.

“Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw” Her voice still little more than a whisper.

Mrs. Wells was on the phone. She watched Arianna with curiosity, realized the girl was bleeding, then quickly made an excuse to end the call. “What happened?!”

“Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw” Arianna said.

“I don’t understand.”

Arianna repeated the phrase, slightly louder this time.

“You need to tell me what happened. Ms. River, please bring the nurse!”

Arianna stared at Mrs. Wells, her feet set slightly apart and shoulders square. She said, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw”

Arianna wasn’t big. She hadn’t hit her growth spurt like so many other girls. While they were surging above five feet and some even developing, well, female traits, Arianna remained lithe and short of stature. She was not, however, light of voice. Her words came out in a rush of air and anger, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw!”

“W-what?”

Again the words poured out of Arianna.

“You have to calm down, young lady! You have to tell me what happened.”

Arianna fell silent. She stared at the principal long enough to make it uncomfortable. Through clenched teeth she growled, “”Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw.”

Mrs. Wells trained in college. She knew about trauma. She knew about autism. She wondered if this was either. She said, “You are going to need to tell me what happened, so that I can help.”

“Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw” Then, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw”, and a third time, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw.”

Mrs. Wells drew in a breath, but managed to fight off the sigh that inevitably tried to follow. She held her breath instead and then released, finally letting the air leave her in scattered huffs. Mrs. Wells said, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw?”

Arianna nodded. The nurse arrived then. She squatted down and turned the girl around slowly, examining her nose and then her knuckles which were raw beneath blood that was only partially Arianna’s own. The nurse looked up at the Principal and said, “There was an incident involving your son.”

Mrs. Wells covered her mouth, this time to avoid a gasp. She said, “Did he do this?”

Arianna said, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw.”

The nurse squinted as though she were holding back an expression herself, and said “We’ve already called for an ambulance.”

Epezuxis: a literary or rhetorical device that appeals to or invokes the reader’s or listener’s emotions through the repetition of words in quick succession.

4.412. Reflections on a Thursday Night

Rough day as a dad. My son was injured playing football. He is likely done for the season and perhaps longer depending on the MRI. The injury sucked but what made it worse was me not really knowing how to sit and talk with him about it. He’s a teenager and used to being fairly invincible. Yet, here we are. This is a tough lesson in mortality I don’t think he is actually taking the time and patience to face. Instead he sees this as a minor inconvenience. He is too much like me at that age. Unstoppable and quite unaware. I am not convinced this is a bad way to be. I am not convinced as to how this ends up for him. He may grow from this in a positive way.

Meanwhile, I am still quite overwhelmed. I made a chunk of headway today, managing to get a lot of information online. Part of my job is posting information for classes. Another part of my job is building classes. I haven’t done that. I haven’t even begun the part where I write the novella and additional stories. I’ve fallen out of rhythm in that sense.

I have a ton of work to do. I have more work to do than I’ve had in a long time, and I haven’t gotten to the point of organization yet. That is tomorrow… I hope.

4.411. Waiver Wednesday

Well, the youth season is still on, much to the contention of my household. I think here it comes down to an issue of importance. Youth football just is not worth the risk to anyone here but the people who are playing/coaching. Nobody else cares enough for it to be worth it. This, in my mind, creates a rough dynamic where we end up not talking about it, because we know we live on different sides of that fence.

I think I would be more inclined to be on the other side of the fence (though never entirely on) if we were actually sheltering in place. If we made a point to to be in contact with other individuals as a family then there would be much more of a conversation about staying away. As it is there are two other kids playing High School ball, and a 3rd working retail. In reality only a handful of us are actually avoiding contact. Even then we are traveling across states and eating out and behaving in a fashion that is not 100% shelter in place, which allows my reptilian (read conniving) brain some space to make this feel okay.

With all that being said, we kickoff September 12th vs. The Empire Sun Devils. It is a good situation, football wise. We get to face a team we never have and it gives our kids a chance to get ready for the regular season. Call it a preseason, because I don’t think the game actually counts towards our season record. It is also the same week as NFL kickoff, so I am ready for some football.

With that being said, the Beach Blanket Fantasy League is back on! We do not know who to pick, because we are in a situation where players could be leaving the field due to covid vs. injury and the likelihood of that is far greater than injury. Should Covid hit a team it could ravage that team quickly and down goes the squad. This is going to need to be considered when drafting. In other words, spread out the talent. Not all your eggs on one squad.

4.410. On Lost Words and Other Pitfalls

It is easy to fall out of favor with the words. It doesn’t take a whole lot for that to happen. Some calamities are greater than others and push you further from the keyboard or pen, but others… Well, any bad writer knows how to make an excuse. Good writers know how to not make them.

I am not using good as a replacement word for talent. I am using good as in level of production and ability to generate content. I have had a lot of setbacks in the past week. Today I discovered a large chunk of text and planning material for my novella that I straight up deleted. Lost forever.

I’m becoming a good writer, because I didn’t let it kill me. Not entirely. I’m still here and working and trying to get back into mode. This, in spite of the fact that I’ve lost words I needed. Growth. I am getting better at this writer thing.

One day and one story at a time.

Some Thoughts:

  1. There is this small town in Colorado, up in the mountains where a train passes through. I think the town is called silver something but I am likely wrong. For years that town felt like a set piece in my memory of this life. Not too recently I watched an episode of Unsolved Mysteries where a town identical to the one I speak of was featured. I don’t think it was exactly the same town though. I don’t know why this matters or why this town is in my thoughts again but I have a handful of extremely vivid memories of the place that feel like they happened yesterday. Little moments like walking down a street, or seeing a basketball hoop; stepping off a porch and hearing the creak of the wood. What’s strange is that the moment I drove into the place I connected with it, and I fear a part of me never left.

4.409. Monday

You know that helpless feeling you get when you know you’ve forgotten something major like turning off the stove or closing the garage or making that phone call you absolutely had to make or returning that package that had to be in within 30 days? I call that feeling Monday.

My experience with Mondays is like being carried along upon the crest of an impossible wave. I can see the entire shape of reality beneath me and I know that above and behind is only darkness. I know that in that darkness lies terrible responsibility. I have not escaped from that responsibility. Time pushes me along and threatens to break, to crash, at any moment. Meanwhile I, awake and alive with the fears of responsibility and failure, hold on tightly to the board beneath my feet.

But there is no board. There is only the wave and once I see it; once I am forced to realize this truth I plunge through the foamy blue-green water whereupon my sight is stolen from me and I discover that I can no longer move forward. I cannot swim. I cannot float to the surface. Instead the crushing weight of life seeps through my pores filling me with a calm that can be only described as oblivion.

To quote Neruda:

That’s why Monday, when it sees me coming
with my convict face, blazes up like gasoline,
and it howls on its way like a wounded wheel,
and leaves tracks full of warm blood leading toward the night.

Some Thoughts:

  1. A writer I recently worked with referred to poetry as a palette cleanser. I need to take stock in that idea and move myself towards these brief moments of truth. My palette needs a good cleansing.

4.408. Reflections on a Sunday Morning

The mind is a very fragile construct and often easily manipulated. I, for example, have managed to convince myself that I am slowly going crazy, am being manipulated by outside forces (people, not demons), and am slowly being robbed of any real sense of self. As a result I believe I am retreating once again into easily manipulated fantasy worlds that offer me a sense of control without being entirely controlled by me (as are stories) in order to give me some ethereal sense of control and happiness in moments where I feel like I don’t need to be concerned with what makes everyone else happy, but only what makes me happy and ultimately, the choices that I make within that space will not be questioned or result in lasting discomfort.

In other words, I am running away from life.

I am not sure that I am actually doing that. I know this much: My rationalization matrix is entirely busted. There are a number of reasons this is true, but the key reason is existing in too many realities at the same time and being forced to code shift between them and feeling powerless in virtually all of them. I work multiple jobs, live in multiple homes, and on top of that I coach and write stories and books. This is not including the leisure activities which, at present, are limited to Madden, Apex Legends, and Clash Royale, of which only Madden has been bringing me joy in recent days.

In essence, I struggle with the idea that everything I do that makes me happy makes someone else unhappy, and the moments in which I find peace are the moments in which I am doing something that I enjoy without those around me feeling upset about that action. I care about that. I care about that perhaps too much. In fact, I often try to live by the principle ‘First, do no harm’ vs. ‘First, do self-care’. The two become mutually exclusive due to the adverbial clause. So, I feel like to move myself into a better mental state I need to build in a better programming system: ranked laws a la Asimov?

The struggle continues.

4.407. Reflections on a Saturday Night

Began the Dragonball Hunt today–www.thedbquest.com. I enjoy this immensely. I feel as though I have a lot to offer to the quest and I feel like it brings the family together.

The quest is a 15-day rollercoaster ride of riddles and clues designed to get the two birthday boys to recognize and complete 7 challenges. The result of each challenge is a Dragonball. Once they have all 7 they get to make a wish. It is an epically cool idea my partner thought up, based on the Dragon Ball shows. I love that I get to be involved. I love that it allows me to explore my own creativity in a a way I haven’t since I GM’d games.

My younger boys get in on the act too. They want their own quest (since they are not really part of the DBhunt as participants but generally as foils). However, this is something special to the older two. Everyone has their own cool thing and making another quest would lessen that.

In short, I am experiencing moments of joy. That is a good thing.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Relationships are difficult. The more I think things are going well, the more I feel like I’ve jinxed it. Suddenly I look over and it feels like I am back at the bad place again. This could all be internal–a manifestation of my fears. Or not. Perhaps the truth is in between.