Watching This is 40 tonight filled me with a strange sense of deja vu. I’ve seen the film before but as I am firmly in my mid forties I feel I’ve lived quite a bit of the conversations that took place throughout. It made me question this crazy roller coaster of a life I live in a time where I’ve already been questioning it and doing my best to endure parts of it. I am overwhelmed, largely due to an inability to slow down and recoup and reorganize. I am doing a lot and I am often left to wonder if there is any real gain to what I am doing or am I just treading water until my arms grow too tired to continue.
To continue the metaphor, I am not going to be rescued. Everything I am doing and needs to be done has to be done by me and quickly. I’m in a position where I am dealing with a lot of financial pressure (kid needs surgery) and paying for a house that is not even live in ready. All the while I am feeling the pressure of trying to build a better life that is centered in my partner and I, while I contend with the truth of her own unhappiness in this life.
So, yeah. Treading water.
I am tired. I am someone who finds immense pleasure in moments and I can still find those moments but I cannot at this point string enough of them together to say I live a happy life. I can say that I feel loved. I feel other things as well, but in the end I know my partner has my back. That’s a change from life before her. If you add in the kids then there are at least a few people who won’t cut me loose at first sign of tension…
And boy am I tense.