The mind is a very fragile construct and often easily manipulated. I, for example, have managed to convince myself that I am slowly going crazy, am being manipulated by outside forces (people, not demons), and am slowly being robbed of any real sense of self. As a result I believe I am retreating once again into easily manipulated fantasy worlds that offer me a sense of control without being entirely controlled by me (as are stories) in order to give me some ethereal sense of control and happiness in moments where I feel like I don’t need to be concerned with what makes everyone else happy, but only what makes me happy and ultimately, the choices that I make within that space will not be questioned or result in lasting discomfort.
In other words, I am running away from life.
I am not sure that I am actually doing that. I know this much: My rationalization matrix is entirely busted. There are a number of reasons this is true, but the key reason is existing in too many realities at the same time and being forced to code shift between them and feeling powerless in virtually all of them. I work multiple jobs, live in multiple homes, and on top of that I coach and write stories and books. This is not including the leisure activities which, at present, are limited to Madden, Apex Legends, and Clash Royale, of which only Madden has been bringing me joy in recent days.
In essence, I struggle with the idea that everything I do that makes me happy makes someone else unhappy, and the moments in which I find peace are the moments in which I am doing something that I enjoy without those around me feeling upset about that action. I care about that. I care about that perhaps too much. In fact, I often try to live by the principle ‘First, do no harm’ vs. ‘First, do self-care’. The two become mutually exclusive due to the adverbial clause. So, I feel like to move myself into a better mental state I need to build in a better programming system: ranked laws a la Asimov?
The struggle continues.