Day: April 2, 2017

Being hard on yourself goes one of two ways: You get your stuff together or you lay in bed with a deeper understanding of how much of a failure you truly are. I vacillate, with a natural curvature towards self-loathing. This might be a function of the lazy residing deep in my marrow, or it could be more about the Everest of work that actually stands in front of me every day. Less is more never really resonated with me. Everyone around me sees it. Casual interventions are a part of my day to day life. To say I’m spiraling would be to ignore the decaying orbit that is my relationship with the gravity of self confidence.

In layman’s terms: I have a lot on my plate and the inability to effectively deal with my stuff leads to a lot of self loathing. Such loathing, as I mentioned yesterday, ought to give way to a sense of joy in the opportunity to learn how to better myself. Unfortunately, the fact that I am not already out of this miasma after 40 plus years of life lends credibility to the assertion that I might actually suck at life.

So, what to do? Coming to terms with sucking is hard but does that mean acceptance or does that mean moving forward with a yearning to get it right? So many questions to be answered that it seems to hold me in place, unable to move forward or backward–just laterally. literally.

Some Thoughts:

1. After cleaning my carpet my dog has pissed all over the spots that were previously cleaned. Multiple times. Back to the kennel training with you.

I find myself writing another ten minute rule on my phone to be text-emailed to my computer and eventually uploaded to the site. Technology. I’m sitting in my car on center street in Mesa, AZ people watching as i nurse a bruised ankle and a bruised ego. I was not entirely aware how much ego I had tied up in my kids’ success but indeed it is a thing I have not gotten past. The littlest talislegger lost his tackle fb game while the others won their respective tackle and flag games.

This 12-7 loss was emotional for the kids because many of them gave all they could. Others did not. Others still were not given a chance to play, much to the disappointment of their parents. I get being mad. I have been in that spot where my kid dressed and didn’t play. Hell, I’ve been that guy myself and it sucks. In this case we kept the least talented of ours on the sideline in a tight contest because we didn’t really trust them to succeed. That isn’t what makes me upset. What gets me is the failure on my part to put my kids in position to win. No, they were in position but I–we didn’t get them to the point of confidence to execute the big plays at the end. The moment was too big and that’s a coaching fail–one I don’t quite know how to solve. That’s it right there: I don’t know how to solve. How many problems in my life begin and end with that mindset?

Here’s the thing, if I can become stronger of mind and recognize that I don’t know is an opportunity, I could be a much happier, healthier, and flat out better human. The fact remains that I’m getting sick over how many little changes I see that I could make that would add up to a more beautiful life and don’t make. When does that stop?