Month: January 2018

I spent the day largely checked out with moments of striking clarity and reflection. I learned, for example, that I am somewhat terrified about my career. I have the opportunity to go in a different direction, but I only want to do so because of the situation it could create for me outside of work. I am equally terrified of the situation it could create for me out of work. So much is balanced on the tip of a needle that it feels like everything can come crashing down at any moment. As such I realized that my life is completely unsettled and the things that have become routine are in truth temporary diversions that do a fine job of covering up the holes in my life.

In other words, I came to the conclusion that I feel incomplete, unsatisfied, and dangerously close to settling for a steadily increasing string of failures that will ultimately lead to a a feeling of regret and disappointment about a failed life.

So, I gotta figure out some things on my end. I gotta decide what it is that is preventing me from being the man (and writer) I want to be and recognize if I am moving towards that, away from that, or in a holding pattern. I don’t know anymore. I do know that I’m not where I am supposed to be in any aspect of the term.

New Year is one of the few social constructs I no longer hold to be false. The movement of the earth and change of the seasons is something that can’t be faked or minimized. Making resolutions for a specific day is junk, but looking at the coming spring as a time of rebirth and learning to cycle into that makes all the sense in the world. Change doesn’t happen all at once. While the activation energy of such a thing is a sudden push, the change itself is often the gradual whir of an engine winding up to top speed.

don’t get caught up in the 10, 9, 8 of it all. The truth and magic lives in deciding to change and developing the habits to institute that change. I am changing and evolving. I am learning to be a better man.

Some Thoughts:

1. The VC grind game for NBA2K18 is a hustle to the max. Basically, the game exists to get players to create their own characters and max out the ratings of those characters. This is done via playing in the career settings and basically going through the entire game. However, it simply cannot be done quickly, easily, or without spending extra money on the game. I’m looking at this situation as a personal challenge. I feel like I can figure out a way around this.
2. Everything is an argument with my 13 year old. If he doesn’t get his way he turns it into something larger, and I can see my 8 yr old jumping into that way of being. This is not going to be tolerated. Today was strongly indicative of that evolution. Back talk has consequences.
3. Love is. Love will always be.