Day: January 23, 2018

The last time I quit making lists it was because they reminded me of just ho much I didn’t want to do. The time before that was more about redundancy. I’d finished a few lists–first time in my life doing so–and it felt like I slayed a dragon. Once the dragon is dead you don’t go around looking for more, do you?

Apparently yes. The answer is always yes. This is why they are called dragonslayers. Or, productive people in this world. As the last post indicates, I have not been much of a productive person as of late. In truth my universe feels on tilt, with everything sliding into an abyss and me holding on to the one true thing that seems steady–or at least slides less. I’ll be clear: It isn’t a list or even on one.

Still, it is hard to avoid the value of such things. They may be part of the lattice work I need to get my world righted.

When I was young I had all the juice in the world. I could stay up for days. I could write a million words and have a heart full of a million more. I truly felt capable of anything and had the energy to do anything in the world. Age and circumstance sucked my drier than a capri sun after a kids soccer match. Some days I’m completely wiped by 8 pm. Sitting in the near dark of an empty home I hardly have the energy to walk up the stairs to take to bed.

or the desire.

What I believe this boils down to is a very large lack of internal energy or drive. I’m not motivated. I’m not exactly depressed either. Not entirely. I have largely been lacking the desire to move about and, without a constant influx of caffeine, I wonder if I would on my own.

There is a school of thought that everything exists in reach of our minds. We control what we believe and feel and can do. It best manifests itself through affirmations and visualizations. I imagine there is a gigantic on/off switch somewhere inside me that guides my drive coils. It lives in the off position and what I find myself working with is the stored up energy of years of having appreciably way too much and, of course, caffeine.

So, I use the motivational words of speakers and the coffee of life to power through my day to day in the slim hopes I’m going to find a way to flip that switch and once again be free.