I spent the day largely checked out with moments of striking clarity and reflection. I learned, for example, that I am somewhat terrified about my career. I have the opportunity to go in a different direction, but I only want to do so because of the situation it could create for me outside of work. I am equally terrified of the situation it could create for me out of work. So much is balanced on the tip of a needle that it feels like everything can come crashing down at any moment. As such I realized that my life is completely unsettled and the things that have become routine are in truth temporary diversions that do a fine job of covering up the holes in my life.
In other words, I came to the conclusion that I feel incomplete, unsatisfied, and dangerously close to settling for a steadily increasing string of failures that will ultimately lead to a a feeling of regret and disappointment about a failed life.
So, I gotta figure out some things on my end. I gotta decide what it is that is preventing me from being the man (and writer) I want to be and recognize if I am moving towards that, away from that, or in a holding pattern. I don’t know anymore. I do know that I’m not where I am supposed to be in any aspect of the term.