Day: June 28, 2020

and I am shook.

The idea (in my head) was to expand the space so that we had room for all of the kids under one… complex? Indeed the entirety of the thing has become quite complex, because it exposed some deep rot in the familial relationship. In short, I am a very bad partner. I have driven all of the choices and lifestyle of my relationship basically since the beginning. My partner, loyal as she is, has been a passenger forced to change so much about her life and goals as I blindly pursue the tenets of my own happiness. This purchase feels like yet another thing I have done for the furtherment of my goals without and lasting consideration of her personage in all of it.

I was trying to blend a family, but I never stopped to ask anyone if they wanted to be blended. In fact, I still haven’t. That talk will come tomorrow and will start from the top with she and I. As a result of my bullheadedness, I have exposed the deeper truths of who I am and the relationship I torpedoed.

Here’s the thing: I don’t litigate these things on the web. I don’t offer up the deep personal stuff about anyone but myself because I don’t feel I have permission to speak to their stuff. So, this winds up feeling like it is once again about me. It is, to an extent. It is about what I’ve failed at. I already failed at a relationship with one of my partner’s kids. We have not spoken six words to each other for weeks and based on the way I am treated as though I do not exist, it feels like we will never speak again. So, that’s another one in the column of world’s worst Dad. It sucks more because I feel like it drives more space between my partner and I at a time where I’m already exposed as being truly trash.

I am less worried about it ending with her than I am about it staying this terrible way forever. We are both too much in love to let go and I am grateful for that, because it gives me space to improve. That is part of what commitment is about. The other part is improving for your partner and really being there to listen and to, well, be a partner. It all sounds like platitudes until I actually do it.

This is trash. Don’t watch it.

Or do.

Be aware that Bautista is a stiff actor who works hard at comedy in this film and it often comes up short. I enjoyed moments of this film and felt the little girl carried it. While I won’t watch it ever again, I don’t feel like I wasted those hours. I watched it with the kids and that was the redeeming quality inherent in the entire thing. If you watch it alone that quality vanishes.. as does the time.

Some Thoughts:

1. A lot of discussions about tik tok and youtube and social media influencers and creators lately. In the absence of traditional tv shows and sports these influencers are seeing mainstream boosts to their success and crossing platforms faster than they otherwise would. I do not see it sticking, but I am perfectly aware that I didn’t see it getting this far in the first place.
2. Okay, if I separate what I feel from the reality around me then I have to say that these youtubers are always going to drive the social media conversation. I also believe they will phase out like other shows and new ones will replace them. People get bored.