Month: November 2020

I’m peeling back the veneer here a bit and paying all due homage and respect to Peter King who first introduced me to the concept of ‘Some Thoughts’. His title was Things I Think I Think, and that applied to me in so many ways. I wanted a space to talk about these random thoughts that were only peripherally attached to a greater reality. Thus was born my Some Thoughts. So now we dive in…

1. In Honor of That Man we will start with football and Sam Darnold, in fact. Statistically speaking, the Jets are better when Darnold is not playing. Flacco has delivered the only two games in which the Jets scored 20 or more. He is responsible for 3 of the 6 games in which the team scored double digits. He’s only played in 4 of the 9 games. Darnold is not the guy. Blame the weapons all you want, but Flacco does more with the same material.
2. I’m discovering that I am not doing well, emotionally, in my present circumstance. I blame Covid. I am not in a place surrounded by happiness and motivation. In fact, often when I am happy it feels strange in the space, which is tough to deal with because the joy brings me a surreal level of guilt. Furthermore, I experience a high level of empathy, particularly in regards to sadness and often find myself teetering and falling into the darkness. This is not healthy.
3. It probably isn’t Covid’s fault. In truth, the general malaise may be more about my presence, which makes this more of a Casual Loop.
4. Regardless of the reasons I am close to pissing away my best ever writing opportunity. I need to kick into gear. Now.
5. Neck and back pain have become the constant. I don’t know if it is the bed or how I sit/walk/exist or what. I do know that I am too young to be an old man already.
6. From the Barr memo: “I authorize you to pursue substantial allegations of voting and vote tabulation irregularities prior to the certification of elections in your jurisdictions in certain cases, as I have already done in specific instances.” Which serves as a clear example of what is going down in the political spectrum. This will be a contentious transfer of power.
7. NewsMax still won’t call the election and millions of people are hanging on to that hope that NewsMax is right to presume Trump still has a fighting chance (if not the lead). NewsMax is going to earn a ton of viewers as a result. I am starting to wonder who runs that rag and what their motivations are…
8. Is nobody else concerned about the President circling the wagons and firing people who aren’t ‘his people’ at the top? Are we preparing for power not to be transferred?
9. Back to football: Youth version. The playoff info should post in the next day or two, and I am deeply disappointed in how this has turned out. We have an unusual system of Power Points in the AYF that doesn’t actually work in conjunction with W/L records as we’ve accrued such things this year. In our so-called D1 the teams that remain have not exactly played D1 talent. Or anyone. Many teams haven’t played the same number of games, which throws off the entire measurement. That being said, the top D2 team could be one of the 3 undefeated teams, making them D1 by default. This whole thing is a mess…

I’ve abandoned Tich Nhat Han. In truth I have abandoned most of what I find to be calming and centering this week. Why? No idea why, but it is worth looking into. What I am realizing is that I need to get on track with things and calling the blog yesterday Reset is in a sense a forewarning of what I need within myself.

To sum up: I really need to get my stuff together.

I am flooded with opportunity. I am seeing my words proliferate in the public space, which is bringing more and more words to the surface. I am rife with both time and opportunity. Meanwhile I continue to get mired in the minutiae of making everything ‘feel’ perfect before I get going. This is how it was in High School and in every 7 year iteration of self since. Perhaps I am recognizing that in this present end cycle and, in some deeply removed spiritual and ethereal sense, allowing that to bubble to the surface in spite of the conscious and subconscious mind rallying against it. I am, in my own self, having an election. I am learning how to make Talislegger a better self by injecting hope and change, vs. falling back on an antiquated self unable to respond to the modern world.

I fear too many of us are locked in a struggle to move backward. We seek comfort psychologically, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. However the definition of comfort is often written from the past and from the sense of remember when things felt really good. However, what felt really good was and always will be a function of time and place and moment. In writing we refer to this as Chronos. Understanding Chronos as the personification of time means recognizing that these ‘moments’ are not lasting but are resultant of a specific time and place and situation (which we often refer to as the rhetorical situation). As such these moments cannot be replicated.

These feelings can be sustained, however, if not replicated. I don’t think replication is even the word we ought to be pursuing, but instead continuation. I want to get to a place of peace and learning on a regular basis. In short, I need to regain rhythm. I need to settle into a cycle that I can grow from and not a largely destructive path. I need to be the wind and the rain, but not the hurricane.

Donald trump was on the golf course when he heard the news of his defeat. It felt like he was not taking the moment seriously, which is what I feel about his entire term. I feel the moment itself encapsulated the last for years of this American life. It also reminded me that we are all, in a way, passengers of a larger experience, and we do collectively have the power to decide what the experience looks like, so long as we are willing to act and find the cost of action worth the impact.

In many ways I feel like this is the beginning of a new opportunity. In the back of my mind is the lingering sense of doom that surrounds the existing stimulus package and the possibility of a new package that will basically be created on printed money. We are already at the point where the debt is 101% of the GDP according to the Congressional Budget Office. Inevitably the blame for that falls on the democrats, whether deserved or not. This only means that in 4 more years Trump will be able to sweep back into office riding a wave of I told you so and create the illusion that he can Make America Great Again. I suspect this time his daughter will be his VP. I also hope the American people will have smartened up by then.

Some Thoughts:

1. Office is not ready. Came back in here to do this blog and the lighting is absolutely horrible. I am squinting through the darkness to see the keyboard. A trip to the store is in order. I need a small and inexpensive desk lamp. And a bunch of lightbulbs.
2. Writing is providing a number of opportunities that I need to capitalize on. I need to do that fairly soon.

No freewrite tonight. I’m way too frustrated for that.

I do not know if anyone has heard of having a doubleNat error, but I have one and that error, which appeared basically out of nowhere, has led to a cascade of problems which entirely imploded my network.

Here is some background: We moved. I went Cox. I decided to build a network on top of their gateway modem. that network was built off an Archer router. All was good in the ‘verse.

One day (yesterday) I got a doubleNat error message from xbox. The error impacted 2 of the 4 stations in the house. All 4 are on the same sub network. Nothing I did would correct the error. So, I tried to switch the herforetobecalled over-network gateway to bridge mode. That led to nothing working. Apparently Bridge mode does not work for this situation. Now I’ve had to reset the router (to no avail) and I will be attempting to do that again and rebuild the network tomorrow when clearer heads prevail.

I am angry and stressed about this, because in all likelihood, it may not work without me spending more money on the problem. I used to love a good problem to tackle. Not today.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am typing slow tonight because my mind is not working right. There is a lot of frustration building inside of me and given the terrible lack of sleep, it is resulting in a lot of errors.

65-37. I remain over .500 each week, but I am failing to pull significantly ahead. I need to be better on the research end. The failures in picking are leading to failures to fantasy and that is gonna leave me all kinds of broke come postseason. That cannot stand. So, I’m going to need to make better pics. Starting Now…

Falcons over Broncos
These guys are playing with renewed energy and a sense of desperation I have not seen out of the franchise in years.

Seahawks over Bills
Too much Russ. Who is going to be the anchor though? Lockett? DK? I think it’s Lockett this week.

Ravens over Colts
Lamar needs to get back on track quickly. This is the week he should have a chance to do that.

Texans over Jags
Jags are hosting a fire sale. They also lack a QB.

Chiefs over Panthers

Vikings over Lions

Titans over Bears
Back to the run game. Mack won’t be enough to stop the run.

Giants over Washington
So comes the playoff run. The Giants are about to pick up steam and see if DJ can be the guy or not.

Raiders over Chargers

Cardinals over Dolphins

Steelers over Cowboys
Trap game! But the Steelers are just too good and the Cowboys too bad.

Saints over Bucs
Excited for this one, but I expect the Saints to hold it down.

Patriots over Jets

Trump declared victory last night. I don’t know why I did not expect it. I don’t know why I thought he would wait until the ballots were all in and counted and offer some sense of decorum. He didn’t and here we are. This is going to ignite his base, and his base is the one that is largely armed and doesn’t appear to actually give a damn about the truth. I don’t believe his base is the majority, but I also don’t believe his base represents as small of a fraction of the American society as I once did. The supporters of Trump that represent his base are the same sort that went out and caused havoc during the BLM protests, but they are the sort that believe they are in the right and have the right to do harm vs. loot and take lives vs. argue against that taking. They are the type who are openly funding the defense of the young man who went into a protest armed, got scared, and started killing people in order to ‘save his own life’. They are the people who recognize that stand your ground is shorthand for kill in the name of your supposed security.

They are the poisoned. They drink in the waters of conspiracy and find themselves forever changed and forever thirsty for evidence that proves their worldview.

So, I must admit to a certain amount of fear and insecurity that I am certain that those around me find both stupid and juvenile. I’m an educator and should know better, right? But right or wrong that fear does exist. For all intents and purposes the numbers show that Biden should win. However, should that be challenged I am not sure what happens. I am also not sure what 4 more years of Trump look like beyond him securing his own future and touting his victory and pushing more conspiracy and arguing that everyone wants him to stay forever and in lieu of that let his daughter lead.

I am deeply dissatisfied with this reality and often feel powerless to change it. Perhaps in the writing I do I can find a way to speak to a larger audience and argue for change by showing them, through other characters, what is happening and what is possible. Maybe that is what my writing is meant to achieve.

Let me start by saying that a democratic vote is not a choice against freedom. The very idea of that is stupid. Nobody is trying to institute a communist or socialist regime. Nobody wants or appreciates that. Furthermore, the argument that there is nothing positive to be learned from socialism is flat out false. We learn what not to do for certain, but we additionally gained a deeper understanding of the safety net required to ensure a capitalist society. The fact is some of the very institutions that we rely on are based on socialism. Our current president used bankruptcy to save himself more than once. This too is a socialist structure built to provide a safety net for individuals who cannot otherwise maintain the repayment of debt. In short, the political arguments are bullshit, and this is really just about getting people to vote the same way for the same special interests and, largely, about getting particular people rich.

We are being hustled. We have always been hustled. In this new age of hyper-partisanship we are just being hustled more.

It is just before six am and I find myself scrambling to put together my classes for the week. I’m doing a lot of redesign and rebuilding this year and teaching different versions of the same class online, which involves more shuffling than I thought possible. In addition I’ve assigned more work than before–more work at my 100 and 200 level classes than in my 300 level classes. This is a pattern that probably needs to change in the future as well. However, here we are.

So, I am scrambling. I am trying to grade enough work this morning to be able to post the new stuff for, well, this morning. This is not the position I crave to be in, but it is the one I chose to be in by taking the last week basically off. As I’ve chronicled, the recent emotional journey has been a tortured one. I have not been on my A game in any way shape or form. Last night I woke up less than an hour after falling asleep and I told myself, “that is it. You need to get your crap together now.” I managed to get back to bed instead of staying up all night as I’ve been doing under these circumstances. It was a brief and poignant moment of self control that led me to be up pre-dawn and deciding that I was going to get on top of this mountain of madness that is my life.

Or maybe I just recognize that I’m in the sprint phase and I’m one hell of a sprinter. Either way, I am ready to work extremely hard and get things done.

Some Thoughts:

1. More on that sprinting vs. pacing philosophy at a later date… I need to think on that one.
2. Very disappointed in the youth football stuff, as I have explained before. What sucks even more is that the season is going to be ending for our team in the next two weeks. We are starting playoffs and given our record showing 1 loss, we will likely end up playing the team we lost to in the 2nd round and we haven’t gotten any better. If anything we got worse. We lost our QB and our #2 is decent, but she isn’t ready for a team that brings that much pressure. Moreover, our run game has not done a thing this season and we are still starting the wrong kid.

The election is in a few short days and I believe we are going to have a new president. I also believe the damage has already been done to the morale and credibility of the American people. Cynicism is the new normal, and the media manipulations, both of our own doing and as a result of foreign actors, are so severe that this idea of truth has all but vanished. Moreover, there is a growing sense that representation is becoming increasingly unbalanced and outsized. This is true or half (or greater) of the American people are MAGA people and truly in line with the old school philosophies of the present administration. How this can be true is beyond me. If this really was how our country felt then we would never have seen an Obama presidency. It feels more likely that this idea of hope truly floats and what people are hoping for is not uniform. Many Trumpers really want an America that is fundamentally distant from who we were at the end of the Obama presidency and, it seems, reminiscent of the Reagan years. However, time doesn’t move backwards–not in our understanding of the phenomenon at least. You cannot go back. Only forward.

Make America Great Again is a backwards philosophy that argues we were not great at the end of that era. However, we rose out of the housing depression stronger and with a better control on our debt than ever. Unfortunately, this new era has pushed us backwards in that way as well.

The blame, of course, will fall on the democrats (I refuse the use the diminutive ‘dems’ term) and this self-destructive binary reality will continue to tear us apart.

Slowly, I am starting to see the disappointing connections between the fall of the last youth football organization I was a part of and this one. Before it was parents who brought down the beast. We had a team that worked well together and most everyone was happy with how things were going. The players who got time on the field were the best available at every position. As a result some didn’t get the growth at the positions they preferred. However, they did get in and they did play and they did succeed. This is the nature of the sport in many ways. Here, with this new squad, I am watching it unravel, because choices are being made based on relationships vs. production. We are not seeing the best kids at the positions all the time and it shows on the field and it shows in the frustrations.

Back then we fell apart over one parent. The parent brought their kid in and brought other kids (and money) with them. They had connections and created the possibility of us going further than before. We brought these kids in–we tried to assimilate the talents of another team–and it backfired. We assimilated the culture of that team. We brought in their angst and expectation of playtime and position and it did not work for what we had going. In the end I left. I pulled my kid off the team mid-season after being with the org for years. After I left I watched the team implode. Others stayed and we started to play to the wishes of the new parents. We lost games we should’ve won. In the end the parents completely turned on the coach and refused to compete for the nationals. They ended the season in last place and never played as a team again.

Our team is in that boat. Already new folks are complaining about how we’ve always done things. A new coach on the staff has chosen his favorites and they are the ones from his old team as opposed to the best suited. I thought for a while it was simply me having too much faith in my kid’s ability, but the fact is the starter is not better than him. The second string is better than the starter but not better than him. He’s officially the 3rd string but only sees the ball once a game if lucky. I’ve taught him to make that touch count. He took his one to the house today.

Youth football teaches a lot to the kids but it also teaches a lot to the parents; specifically I am learning that the in and out crowd situation never changes no matter how old you get. My kid wants to stay with the team and tough it out. He likes his friends and he supports them. He bristles at his role on offense, but they’ve given him a shot at a spot on D he truly enjoys. So, he will stay one more year. I won’t coach though. I think I have had enough.