Month: April 2021

I made it all the way to bed before I realized I had yet to blog. Call it a fatigue inducing combination of grinding out chapters and doing very rough yard work. My mind isn’t thanking me tonight and my back won’t be thanking me tomorrow. Why should they? I’m entirely spent. Then again I often wonder if arriving at the end of the day spent is not the secret to healthy living. We ought to be living full lives and full days. The ones like this feel as such.

So, as a result, I find myself blogging on my phone at the end of the night, tired and content starved. what’s weirder is that the internet isn’t offering me much by way of distraction. The Chauvin verdict came in and now I’m waiting for the other show to drop, but short of the big story there is little out there to hold my attention—less from the sporting world, save what happened this week.

that’s my one teaser.

so as I lay here wool gathering and preparing to descend Into what I expect to be unpleasant dreams I can’t help but thinking How full the day was and if tomorrow might be the same way

I’ve been trying to spend less time on CNN. I was on there today and saw a video (here) that messed me up. It wasn’t that the portrayal of police stops between white and black drivers was so different–that male and female stops were so different. It is just the growing mentality of how black men are learning to approach being detained or even approached by the police. The expectation has become that if we get pulled over we are going to need to run for our lives or we are more than likely going to die. Honestly, it wasn’t as bad as a kid. I was always led to believe that if pulled over I would likely go to jail. Didn’t matter if I didn’t do anything wrong. I was a threat and I would be handled. I didn’t grow up assuming if I complied I would still get shot.

Here’s the thing: In the video the police stop wasn’t bad at all. They pulled him over and approached thinking that he had a felony arrest warrant out for him and still the interaction wasn’t rough. He was not assaulted, the officer was extremely nice to him under the circumstances and displayed a confidence that I admire. At the same time, she had the wrong dude. They need to fix that. They had an issue with someone else using his name, but they need to fix that.

They–WE–also need to fix the main issue, which is the perception of race. Black men are still inherently viewed as scary and that is a problem wrapped in a falsehood. Black men are no more inclined to violence than anyone else. In fact I am more terrified of a fully kitted up dude with an America First hat than I am of the average black teen looking like a gangster. The black kid more often than not knows how to act and doesn’t want to set it off. The dude with his gun out generally does.

The idea of fear and violence changes slowly. We are still clinging to 1980’s perceptions of black men that themselves were born of much older stereotypes. Progress is needed. To me, a recognition of the need for that progress and the underlying understanding of where these stereotypes come from and how they play out in daily society is exactly what it means to be woke. That crap you see on Fox News is exactly what it means to stay asleep and want to stay asleep and forget the last 100 years of growth.

I know now that I need to build a more useful routine into my life and the lives of my family. My family spends the majority of our lives in front of screens. While some of it is work-related, much of it is leisure. We game and we watch a lot. In fact, there is a Mr. Nightmare playing as I do this blog. Here is the thing though: It has become so common to be living through a screen that I struggle in the spaces where I don’t have one. I play games on my phone as a way to interact and rarely go a few hours without tuning in–short of sleep.

So, I am advocating a period of detox. At the very least a few hours out in the world walking around and appreciating the reality we do live in vs. the digital one we crave. This is a suggestion and not step by step instructions on how to get free of the screens. I am acknowledging my personal need to do so. I think I will try to read a book in the sunlight–though this is no less an escape than the digital.

Some Thoughts:

1. Here’s a weird truth: I cannot spell the word rhythm without the help of spellcheck. What is worse is that when I spell it as above, spellcheckers refuse to help. Some words just be like that for me

The difference between good writing and ho hum writing is in the details–not the character details per say, but the moments a character has an introspection, and they create a world view that the reader can identify with. It is through the eyes of the characters that we see the world and the story and even the characters themselves develop and unfold. I tend to forget this important slice of minutiae on the first pass of a story. It is usually during reading, Minecraft meditations, moments of silent reflection on the characters, etc that I find myself remembering to include the tidbits and then quickly scribbling them down on my phone in the form of a text. This is why writers ought to carry notebooks. This is why writers need to think about their characters outside of the story and outside of the context of the story. A reader can feel such things. A reader can feel when a character only exists in that moment on the page and never before or again.

Another recent trick I’ve discovered is thinking about a single scene from each characters perspective–even writing it down if time allows. I believe I will put that into play for the next CRW workshop I host. Take a scene that features more than one character (or in the case of only one character, make the space around them a character and tell the story from its perspective as a second form) and tell that scene from the perspective of each character, taking into account history, motivations, and especially world view.

I have my partner to thank for a lot of this. I am working to see the world from her perspective and see my own actions through her eyes. It is not a pleasant view. It hardly ever is. However, it is important to see the person you are if you hope to achieve the goal of becoming the person you want to become.

Lodestone

There are over 1400 biochemical stress responses ranging from behavioral, to physical, to psychological. It is said that the things we see in comics and movies–thew so called super powers are dreamed up ways that people wish they could respond to stress. A lot of things ‘are said’ and I often wonder who it is that is saying them. I wonder who ‘they’ are that gets in everyones head and helps us to maintain this shared hallucination of a reality. I wonder if ‘they’ are like me. I suspect that they must be in some fundamental way, just as I suspects there are more people like me. I know this because I’ve read the stories. I’ve seen the many pieces of fiction in cultures dating back to before BC. I’ve felt ways I know I should not be feeling, but I’ve never found the source. I’ve never found another one of us.

Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself. My name is Solomon Jackson and I have a very serious problem.

I was born in New York City. I only lived there for a short time. I remember the tall buildings and all of the people. I remember walking around as fast as I could among all of it and never being able to keep up. My mom would carry me down flights of stairs into the bright tunnels of the subway where it smelled like my diapers used to smell when she didn’t change them for a very long time. Down there people would stand in these tunnels and sing or play music or dance on a sheet of cardboard, always pointing to an open cup when they were done. When the train came it drowned them out with sound and people and I would get swept up in the wave. My mom would hold on to me or sit me on a bench high where I could see above their waists and she could see me and feel safe.

I hated this. I hated going down into the tunnels. in spite of how large they were and how small I was I always felt trapped. I always felt like everyone was watching me, if not with their eyes then with another secret part of themselves, knowing I was there and hating me for it. When I closed my eyes I could imagine them moving around me as a swarm, each individual leaving a small part of themselves in the space I filled and I would collect that part of them. It wasn’t until I was in fourth grade and Mrs. Miller did her unit on magnetism that I built a frame of reference for what was happening. In that class shw showed us a metal egg. She laid the egg down in a bed of paperclips and rolled it around. The paperclips stuck to the egg, building a shell around it. That is how the emotions that people left on me would would stick to me.

I’m going to try to avoid being negative.

The headspace of negativity is not very productive. It’s like in Monsters INC, y’know? I’m not going to explain that, because of the inherent spoilers. On the other hand, you should have seen it by now. Ticht Nhat Hanh writes, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” If you go to the website where I found that particular quote you’ll see beneath that he also writes, “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.” That encapsulates the lesson I need in these days. I must remember how to transform suffering into joy.

I believe part of that is learning to live a more compassionate life. Part of it too is to live to bring joy and understanding and peace to those I love. I’m not terribly good at that, but I need to get better. I used to listen to Gil Fronsdal a lot. He gives these Dharma talks in which he discusses and sometimes even translates the words of the Buddha. Gil talks about action a lot and ow action can be a form of meditation or, most recently, refuge. I’ve been swollen with inaction, so perhaps it is time for me to move forward.

Time to start making plans and executing them.

Some Thoughts:

1. My male dog acts a total fool when my female approaches ‘heat’. He’s becoming difficult to be around. I wonder if we humans are like that?

It is that time of the week where I complain about overhyped NFL players, Overhype youth sports, and, give you all the update on how things are going in this neck of the sporting world. I want to start with an open claim: eSports are starting to gain legitimate traction and they are doing so because of the streams and the youtube videos. Before too long being a gamer is going to be synonymous with or even higher standing than being an athlete in one of the ‘wee three’ (Tennis, Hockey, Soccer). I don’t like it, but there it is… or may be.

On to the youth stuff.

I found myself in a conversation with a former coach and now fan (which is exactly who I am now) about how his kid’s team has finally risen. They’ve hyped themselves up to the point where they believe they are the top unit in the state. They aren’t. They may not even be the top spring unit. They play my boy’s team this weekend and my boy is going out to watch. He’s curious. He misses his QB and his other team friends (don’t get me started on the social status of the QB and the power dynamic in football vs. other sports). I think that team, the AZ Raiders, can beat my kid’s team, the Argos, but I don’t think they will. Why? Better coaching.

Meanwhile, my mid kid has only ever played for three youth teams and two of them are going head to head this weekend following that Raiders dust up. He’s planning to be there. He’s planning to suit up for his old team and give a little bit of what for to the new team, the one he ended his youth career with. He’s been given permission to play out this season with the 13s, and have a little fun. So far, he’s had a lot of fun.

That is what it is supposed to be about at this level–learning and fun. It is, sort of. It is largely about ego and winning, and the latter can be fun, but it isn’t teaching kids how to enjoy the game even when they are not winning. I don’t know how we do that anymore. I don’t know how we make them want to practice and compete unless we have them on these teams that win. On the other hand, I don’t know how to teach them resilience without loss. It’s a learning process throughout.

Yep, another negative blog.

When I clicked on the website it showed a Sunday post and I froze. I don’t miss days. I do fail to hit publish on occasion. On more than one occasion, actually. That is a nasty habit that came partially as a result of the double click needed to publish and partially as me simply not having my stuff together. So, I decided today was a good day to talk about slipping. I’m definitely slipping. In some ways I handle my business but in others I just am not putting the mental reps in as needed. Heck, even now I am asking myself is it Monday or Tuesday?

Covid bears some responsibility. My days are no longer tethered to a work schedule. I don’t watch live TV and there’s no football, so Sunday is just the day my kids go back to their Mom–which is something I don’t want to remember vs. something I do. However, I can’t put too much of the blame on how the world shifted. I need to recognize how I shifted and how I’ve failed to be the best version of myself in this situation.

Yep, another negative blog, indeed.

So, now I need to reign in my focus on getting my act together. I need to do the scheduling I wrote about before. I need to put myself in a state of mind where I am loyal to my priorities. I need to get right mentally and physically while I still have the ability to do just that.

I’ve gotten to the point where I am practically out of distractions.

I tend to use video games as a way to escape the oft sad reality of my work life (and occasionally the rest of my life as well), but lately the games have not held the same oomph as in previous months, years, etc. It isn’t that I am getting too old but instead I feel as though the weight of what needs doing is just too much for me to push aside–even to the point where gaming to clear my head is less effective. So, I need a new mental palette cleanser.

Some Thoughts:

1. These blogs are getting shorter and shorter, which is clearly reflective of me not having a whole lot to say and typing slower and slower as a result. Already I’m down to the final four minutes of this thing and I’ve said next to nothing.
2. So, there is a good takeaway: Stress sheds the ability to be fast in production when needing to be fast is what often brings stress.
3. The key, I believe, is to find joy in the moments–even the really hard ones. To reflect and learn is to grow and continue down the path. The path is all there is. The moments line the path like trees offering a view.
4. My wonderful blended family had a few good moments this weekend and that brought me some joy.
5. I need to take more time to make more lists of joy and remember the view.
6. I’m trying to also find moments to teach my kids how to be better men. This should be the way but it has not been. I’ve lapsed hard in the pop department.

New week rolling in and I have a lot on the plate to get handled. I am behind on stuff, which feels like ‘the way’ anymore. I am also apparently managing my time very poorly. I don’t live a life where I can just chill with the kids for half a day two out of three days of a weekend. When I do it just inflames everything around me–work, love, all of it.

So, now I am trying to figure out a way to condense the work (meaning writing and grading and planning) stuff so that I can do more of the chilling. This feels like it is not possible, so I will likely do far less chilling. My life often feels like a negotiation and I don’t always know how to negotiate or who I am negotiating with. Here is what I learned about negotiation: Never come out and say what you want, because not only will you not get it, but the wanting itself is going to cause some offense.

Some Thoughts:

1. Looking forward to…. Yeah I don’t know how to finish that sentence.