Month: May 2022

I started playing Apex Legends again–the perfect summer distraction to a very hot daily routine. I’m having fun but it doesn’t fulfill me. I might be too old and too much in the mindset of figuring out what does fulfill my partner and I collaboratively. I don’t have answers for that yet. Try as we might we haven’t found the secret sauce to living a purpose-filled life. Sadly, we (or at least I) are running out of time. At least we are not running out of summer.

The plan in place is to spend a ton of time just the two of us. it will be the longest we’ve been away from our kids EVER. This is a positive thing in part and a scary thing in part. I suspect with the youngest it will irrevocably distance he and I. I’ve accepted this entirely, as I already see the distance forming between us. He just turned 13 and this might be the push of independence the kid absolutely needs.

What I need is a better climate, a place to write, and a swath of time to truly explore my relationship and myself. I need to get healthy and, if I am truly reflecting, I need to do that more than anything. Mortality stays on my mind because I am not in the best shape or the best headspace and the summer reset is a chance to fix a great deal of this.

I had to shave for pictures. I had to worry about my ex-wife’s family being openly mean to me in a public place. I had to step back and think about how I’d spent the last 17 years and who I was as a parent over that stretch. All of these things were reflected in an evening that belonged to my first born. He graduated tonight; the culmination of 12 years of schooling (plus Kinder of course). I am insanely proud of what he’s accomplished and how much a hard worker he’s become. I feel like he’s on his way to being a really good man.

I am also bone tired. It is a lot to get through these events. So now I need rest.

Some Thoughts:

1. As I write this I find my mind straying to the tragedy in Buffalo and moreover to how it feels like I’ve become more or less numb to such things. These tragedies aren’t expected but when they happen there is little surprise and even less national interest. I find more articles about the Depp-Heard trial than the shooting, and that is a sad truth of this nation.

The best way to get through a thing is to get through it. You put one foot forward and then the next and you keep moving. I’m trying to do that today. I am trying to see what I can get done and how productive and impactful I can be as a human, because I’ve been a mess for a while now. It used to be that I was a grindGod. Once upon a time I dropped 20+ clean pages a day. Now I struggle to grade a basic assignment and haven’t updated some classes significantly at all. This is a fierce counterpoint to who I was, and further evidence of my long dark spiral. So, as I say always forward, I’ve been moonwalking for quite some time. I need to get it in gear.

There are obstacles. I’m not in the best headspace. The personal life is a hot mess. The kids are a hot mess. I’m a video game addict (without a doubt), the finances are a mess (lukewarm and getting hotter). Everything feels like a wreck and everyone around me feels like that ‘This is Fine Meme”

Doing something about that is paramount, but I cannot figure out a good move here. What I am doing is trying to do everything I can do within my own power. That means write the new project. Outline the novel. Prep the classes. Examine options for making more money. Hunt for outside work–either writing or teaching. All of it adds up to action and action ought to keep me from falling deeper into darkness.

Two days out from my Son’s graduation I’ve spent a lot of money and energy in order to create a satisfying experience for him. It matters. It may be the last one I ever get to do. I’m on the precipice of a great many things–some great and some an utter failure of self. The strangeness of life is that these things tend to bunch up, happening all at once. So where I’d like to be able to purely focus on the joy of the moment my life doesn’t allow for that. I live an existence where I lift my head and experience a momentary joy before plunging back into the darkness that all too often defines my daily existence. The worst part: There is no good way forward and only one realistic way out that benefits anyone.

So, I am left to reflect on what has been really good in this journey I’ve taken with my son. He came a very long way and almost died a few times getting there. Twice he was faced with the dangerous swelling of a tree-nut allergy. However, his closest brush with death was in that car accident where people did die and we, fortunately, escaped with a few scrapes and a scar he bears to this day. My son is a champ. He has come through it all with resilience and a love of life and a desire to help people. He is going to be a law enforcement officer of some variety. His step-mom/my partner and his step sibs all think he reminds them of Winston from New Girl. Here’s hoping he finds his Aly. He already has his Furguson.

Having him in my life has taught me that you can help a kid become who they want to be, but you cannot ever make them into who you want them to be. Furthermore, trying only means you are living through them as a way to excise your own failures. I did that for a while and I learned to get over it. Now it is time he gets to be his own man. Seems to me he has already been doing that.

I hope he reads this one day and learns a little about his dad and where his dad was at in life. Not everything was always good, but I love him and always will.

Just got back from the celebration for the track team. They won state and my mid kid was named most improved runner. A good night. Now for…

Some Thoughts:

1. Here is something I learned: Roaches hate the smell of Lavender, Citrus, and Eucalyptus. I’ve seen articles suggesting additional smells to repel and I am going to look into that. I plan to make use of these smells in order to bug proof the house and surrounding yards. I’m not remotely interested in the nasties I see outside getting inside.
2. Lizards are getting inside though. The cat drags them in and occasionally looses them. I see a new one every week.
3. Patrick Beverly goes hard. This interview shows why TV is about to love this man as a villain.
4. Graduation is two days away. I’m shook at how much I have to get ready for this upcoming party and I don’t know if the kid even cares about it.

This comes from my phone so it likely won’t be as long as a usual ten minute experience. It is Sunday night and I’m thinking about how much needs to happen in the coming week. I have a kid graduating. I’m excited about the event and looking forward to seeing him walk. He’s my first born and his graduation makes me officially old as heck. I’m happy to not be so old that I won’t be able to see what he becomes as a man.

life has me thinking about those things more often. I’m not yet 50 but I feel as though so much as passed my eyes. I’ve lived a lot but at the same time I have barely done anything at all. There is so much left to do and so many opportunities still to be had. I’m excited for what is to come in the next chapter. Still two more kids but maybe this chapter isn’t about being their every day. Maybe there is another way that works.

some thoughts:

1. Seems odd to transition into a conversation about basketball, but I can’t help but reflect on how badly the Suns looked. I wonder if this is the moment they decide to blow that team up. I’m sure the Lakers would be happy if they did…

Earlier today I finished a proposal for a book I’ve been pining to write for YEARS. The proposal was utter trash. The fact is I haven’t been writing enough over the past few months to be revved up to write well. I missed on it and now I have to live with that. However, I don’t want to spend my time talking about that. I want to focus on the Shooting in Buffalo where an 18 year old white-male wearing military gear stormed a supermarket and shot 13 people. 10 died. Later we can get into the specifics of the news coverage of the incident (I’m using the APnews link here). Suffice to say that Fox News focused on the retired cop who was killed defending the people. CNN focused on how far the kid drove to get there. Everyone was clear about the white on black nature of the violence, though not everyone dared to call it a hate crime. I want to call it what it is: Another Lone Gunman.

Except he was not entirely alone. He livestreamed the entire damn thing to twitch.

We have a problem in our world with filtered information that breeds hate. Humans are tribal by nature and given the hyper-media world we live in it is easy to be incensed and driven to violence. It is just as easy to ‘kit up’ and go do what you think is going to make you feel better or make you feel like a hero. Moreover we don’t have the political will to shut down people –especially those who may be viewed as our voting base– who would perpetuate this violent ideology.

I think if every black person in America decided to ‘kit up’ the way the media acts like we already do (because aren’t people buying guns to stop the threat that they largely televise and identify as black?) we would not only have a massive change in gun law, but we would see a lot more serious violent clashes openly in the streets. I hope we are not headed towards that. As a fiction writer it isn’t too hard to imagine a future where we just might be.

I find myself in the unenviable position of trying to design a post-parent life while still raising two kids and having two others who simply will not leave home on their own. It is a difficult path to navigate, because my partner has been parenting for 23 years and she deserves a damn break. She is long past the inconsistency of children and the often random needs that arrive on a daily basis. I, on the other hand, feel like I am supposed to be down in the dirt with these last two (13 and 15) for a few more years. Ultimately I believe it comes down to a state of mind in which I personally need to recognize that the role I am filling as a parent right now is not helping anyone and is, in truth, holding everyone back.

Post-child life is supposed to be a clear path, but I can’t sleep half the time because my mind wanders into this minefield. To begin, I am really largely a sports dad. My role has been to help the kids become very good student-athletes and specifically to nurture the athlete side of the equation. In the early years I helped them explore their passions–all of their passions. Now I mostly make sure they are getting good grades and are staying up on their training. Otherwise I keep them stocked with video games, have the occasional real conversation about life, and make sure they get delivered to school, practice, etc. Is that parenting? In a sense. Would it be better for me to just leave and have a relationship where they visit on holidays? Well, no, because that would detract from their sports life. The problem with sports is that the sports don’t end. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall… all of it is in-season or off-season training. Kids today get a few weeks off as the expectation is that they will be available for practice and those who are there on the field are the ones who get ahead, so I’ve set them up to need to be there. Unfortunately for me that means not being with me should I move away. So, that remains an obstacle in developing a post-parent life of a particular sort.

The path is further muddied by having kids who still live at home. My partner and I disagree on this. For me, however, having kids at home means having a home dominated by kids and constantly cleaning up after kids and orbiting their universe. Whereas if we had our own home and they had their kid-house it would change the way I see the living conditions. We would have our own space and our own privacy and our own life and we could drop in on them at our choosing. Is that parenting? It is a version of what I am doing now, so there is that.

On to it then….

1. The limited amount of viable games on the current gen of stand alone VR argues that it has not hit market cap. The system is nascent still and needs more providers developing solid content. I cannot get half the stuff on Oculus I can get on Playstation. Yet I can get most of what I get on Oculus on PS. The lack of an Iron man game on Oculus is a real miss. Instead I get Tony Stark’s Lab… junk.
2. That being said, I do enjoy VR immensely and expect to spend more time in virtual space this summer. It will be even better once I figure out how to do Rift games on the Quest 2.
3. Sports are strange. So much so that it outwardly looks rigged. Teams exchanging home blowouts in the playoffs is… odd.
4. Something else that is odd: The term Gotham was coined re: New York by Washington Irving in a rag he wrote up called the Salmagundi. The name stuck. It took a while. It took the Batman references of the 40’s to make it stick, but it stuck.
5. I find odd stuff when I am researching for a project.
6. I ought to research more. Perhaps the best part of college (and definitely the best part of working at the Library) was finding interesting things.

I read a very smart article today discussing what the Giants might look like this upcoming season. In a cycle starving for useful football coverage, this was a true find. It was a real X’s and O’s football article that got me thinking positively about change and recognizing that with a new coach does come a new scheme–which is something I haven’t seen in spite of previous coaching changes. A scheme that plays to the strength of the existing talent would be very nice. It would also be a different look than Buffalo, which is what he promised. All of this points towards a solid possible future for the NYG over the next few years. It feels like even if Jones isn’t the guy, he is the style they expect to build around and have already gotten to work in acquiring weapons he can work with and Linemen who can play to scheme.

Again, a lot of this falls on Barkley staying healthy. If the team’s clear RB1 can return to form and be allowed to do some of the things he became famous for, he has a real opportunity to drive the offense forward. I’d call him a solid fantasy pick this year–one you can grab at a bargain price. Of course, all of this depends on coaches being able to put the scheme together in a way that highlights talent and allows for plug and play when guys get hurt. Guys will always get hurt, but that has been a thorn in the side of the G-men for a few years now. Finding ways to train smarter is imperative.

Some Thoughts:

1. My kid ran a solid 15.85 in the 110 hurdles state championships. Not bad for a sophomore, but not good enough for top 8 in the state. He ends the year ranked #14 in D1 and the #3 sophomore.