Month: May 2022

The toughest thing about getting into a writer’s headspace is getting into a writer’s headspace. I know it is bad writing to say it that way, but the truth simply is. That truth, like the work of writing, is unavoidable. In order to be a good writer you need to be good at sitting in one space for stretches of time and focusing on a story/poem/song/screenplay/whatever for long enough to actually put legitimate words on paper. I did a good job this past December working every day on the map for the fantasy storyworld. I did a terrible job putting new words down towards the Justice Engine.

What good writers do is sit down and write. They may not do it every day, but they do it often enough and long enough to get the story done. This may look different for different writers. I have a friend who is on his 3rd or fourth novel of his career. It takes 6 years or more to put one down for him. Yet when he gets it done it is magic. My sister is the same. By the time I get to see a draft it’s been two years in the making, yet the work is amazing.

Me? Yeah. I define fits and starts. Moreover, it takes a moment for me to really sink into a project and get going. I am, it appears, a slow-cooker. Once I get there, the writing is hot and fresh and (IMHO) quite good. I am in the warming stage now. I am trying to get started and get going on a couple of post-semester projects. I aim to simmer sooner than later, but it does indeed take time.

All too often I find myself on the precipice–the bleeding edge of ‘about to do something big’ yet I don’t always get there. What holds me back? Periods of laziness? Lack of actual endurance? Too much going on? All of these factors have some limited contribution, but the key is not actually giving enough of a damn to make the changes needed. In other words, I cannot get better if I don’t care enough.

This is a problem I see in athletes all the time. They hit that level where they feel they are good enough and they don’t get any better. In fact they fade away more often than they maintain. Some realize, as I am realizing, that the clock is ticking and they need to get to their max sooner than later. Unfortunately that moment of clarity often comes too late in real life. It often comes after you’ve written yourself into a tiny niche of creativity and success. It often comes after the opportunities are exhausted. It often comes after you’ve already blown through any human forgiveness you have available to you.

I am a lucky man. I am lucky not to be in that spot. I have the second half of my life here available to me in order to make good things happen yet still. All I need to do is put my foot down and actually do something with the talent I have left. I have to get my mind stronger. I have to get my body healthier. I have to spend less time on games and more time on work. Above all of it I have to embrace the love provided to me in life and truly use that as a base from which to spring forward. I am blessed with a partner who does want the best for me. We want to make each other’s dreams come true. That starts with recognizing what our dreams are and firing out into the world instead of lazily scrolling through my phone thinking about how everyone else is going out and getting theirs.

I talk a lot about being around unmotivated people. I am. That doesn’t mean that I have to cave into that mentality. I can change myself and perhaps that will spark change around me. I can organize my life and perhaps that will spark organization around me. I can get things done and maybe that will show others the beauty of success. Regardless, if I do all of this for myself and my partner then our lives become brighter and that alone is worth the effort. The rest is bonus play.

This could be called a tale of two mothers.

One is self-centered and extremely difficult. The other is mindful of everyone around her—perhaps to the detriment of herself. One is A hard-scrabble city girl. The other comes from southern stock. They could not be more opposite in how they care for their kin. I’ve heard time and again the old adage, “you marry your mother” I on the other hand fell in love with her opposite. My partner is incredible. She cares about her family so much that even holidays like Mother’s Day feel like they are about celebrating them and not her.

I worry that the kids take advantage of this. I didn’t talk to them this year about gifts. I talked to the youngest three boys, because it felt like two of them were young enough to need the prodding. I didn’t prod the others and now I sit here blogging on the mother’s day morning and wondering openly if they got her at least a card. This remains to be seen.

At least they showed up. I haven’t seen my mother on mother’s day for a decade at least. I haven’t spoken to her in person for close to two years if not more. I haven’t texted with her in at least one. I’ve been far from an ideal son, but she’s been far from an ideal mom. The relationship deteriorated to the point where I wouldn’t even know if she was ill. This is not the best case scenario for a son on daughter. I applaud my partner for being in a much better position with the kids. Regardless of their individual dispositions or relationships with anyone else in the family–including myself, they love and respect her. They show up, and that is the sign of a good mother.

Still ranting. I guess it is just one of those weekends where everything feels slightly not great about the world and I curl into the beauty of my relationship as the last bastion of good things in the universe. Also, it’s mother’s day weekend so there’s that. Also I’m fatigued, so there’s that. I haven’t been sleeping all that well and I am moving from vacation to vacation quickly. I also didn’t bring my pills along for this one, so that is rough.

My pills. Being old sucks.

Fox News sucks too. I think that when you hit a certain age you start to become aware of the media being an actual problem. Fox News is an actual problem. The way their White House reporter shapes his questions is as politically one sided as it gets. So much so that when Press Secretary Psaki announced she was leaving, this exchange happened. Everyone in the room gets it. Everyone in the world ought to get that Fox seeks out people that hit key demographics and tokenizes them to serve as representative for their creed. It’s despicable what they do. It is despicable that so many people not only let it happen but tend to lean in so desperately that they are more than willing to believe any version of the ‘truth’ that aligns with what their so-called leaders are pushing.

The Big Lie, anyone?

The truth is thus: Our country is at another low point. We have fallen into deep partisan divisions heightened by the influence of social media. We know that a lot of that social media is falsehoods pushed on us by foreign (and domestic) enemies for their own gain. We don’t care. In fact, we often refuse to even admit what is happening.

We are in trouble.

There are two types of people in this world: Those who create content and those who do not. Those who do not are generally dislikable people, because they have expectations that have never been tempered by releasing content into the world in a fashion where they are forced to deal with the type of horrible feedback they may receive from an angry consumer, student, etc. If all you do is consume content then you aren’t really aware of what it takes to create it and thus don’t truly appreciate anything but the specific level of content you personally expect.

I might not be entirely correct on my last point, but it has been my experience that pure consumers are harder to please. That may also be because they are looking to consume something that mirrors what they would hope to see created in the world, and by not creating it themselves they remain utterly unfulfilled.

Or maybe I’m just being an ass and overly reflective because of my own reaction to the Ozarks finale. Who knows. But I do have a few things I think…

Three Things I think I Think:

1. Video Game players often hate the game they play, because it isn’t exactly at the level of difficulty or coding they expect. Despite this they do tend to purchase said game year after year and, aside from complaining, do little to reduce the number of sales and hours played.
2. The same can be said of comic book readers, but they are generally smart enough to stop buying the comic and read it off the interwebs.
3. Green Tomatoes are incredible whereas Green Apples remain meh.

Found another blog post that was stuck in draft mode and hadn’t been published (by clicking publish twice), so now we are into 860. Renumbering aside, it may mean I blogged twice in one day… again… This is much better than not blogging at all, which has happened a few times–hence the sixth iteration of this blog.

I am tired.

The day in Vegas was amazing but it was also extremely long. Add to that the fact that Caesars palace offers the worst service known to humankind and my fatigue makes a lot of sense. I am exaggerating here, but The Palace sucked for service. We tried to initially check in at ten AM and didn’t actually get the room until 7:30 PM. This is after waiting on multiple lines and trying to navigate the days events. It was a mess and they did not handle it well on their end. As a result we missed the beginning of the concert we flew in for. We did get to see most of the show and the show was fantastic. John Legend is next-level talented.

Well, that’s all I really have the mind for. I’ll leave you with…

Some Thoughts:

1. Las Vegas claims to have the world’s largest dispensary. We smelled it from a block away as we drove by.
2. Ozarks is over. Notes to come…

I made an alarming discovery this morning: I am a morning person.

I don’t entirely know when it happened. Perhaps seeing myself in contrast to my partner really hammered it home. Perhaps realizing as I went to sleep last night I was entirely looking forward to getting up in the morning and getting stuff done. Regardless the incitement point, I am in truth now a morning person. I love it. I look forward to the coffee. I yearn to wake up and get going and dive into whatever I have going on. This might be a project or grading or a game or anything. The lack of early motion is a problem for me. In truth, I hope to expand this mental yearning to physical activity. I want to be able to get out and run for a bit before the sun scorches the Arizona sky. Unfortunately, that means getting up before the roaches go back to sleep, which is unacceptable… and a side note. Still, mornings are it for me.

There was a moment yesterday where I realized I’d been up for what felt like an entire day. It was only 4pm. I’d done so much and had so much time and fun and chill that the rest of the day felt like bonus time. I love that feeling. You don’t get that when you wake up at noon. That lifestyle praises the late night and praises sleep above light. I go to bed earlier now than I ever have–between 9 and 11 nightly. So, I am sure that it plays a roll in this new philosophical awakening. Coffee has it’s part as well. I love starting with a hot cup of black coffee. The only thing better than that alone would be doing it on the beach with my partner. One of these years we’ll make a year of that too.

I am about to embark on an adventure. For the next 36 hours my partner and I are gong to be living a different type of lifestyle–one of luxury and exploration. The goal is to reset–to clear our heads in this brief pause between spring and summer semesters; in this space between the heartbeats of responsibility. I definitely need it. I need something to jumpstart my heart and soul and get me back to a place of moving forward with what matters most in life and remembering the reward of hard work.

In short, I’m going off to have a good time with my partner, try new things, experience music, and remember what having a good time with no limits actually feels like. I expect that it will be primarily this in a few short years, so why not start to get a taste now?

Some Thoughts:

1. Watched a particularly brutal Warriors game last night. Two injuries in the first three minutes. Another still in that same quarter. All on the Warriors side. They lost by 5. Ought to be interesting to see how they bounce back from that.

There are expectations of youth that are often overlooked by those who’ve had good relationships with their offspring. I forgot that kids are designed to be rebellious and do what they want in the face of, well, reality. Mine wants to transfer to a private christian school that costs 16K a year. I don’t have the money and he is not a christian. Why then does he want to do it? The opportunity to be a big fish in a little pond? He’d be moving from 6a to 3a, and limiting greatly his options for being seen as a college-level talent. He doesn’t want to hear that though. He wants to hear that he can do what he wants and what he thinks is best.

It isn’t and he can’t. There will be a battle. It is largely my fault for letting him meet with the coach and hearing about the requirements of the school, which he believes he can fake his way through (this includes attending church regularly and learning scripture) even though he doesn’t have the personality or belief system to back any of it up. So, I try to breathe and move past, letting him fume in the corner about ‘missed opportunities’.

I’ve made mistakes with some of my kids. I’ve allowed disrespect, I’ve let them get away with a lot. I’ve done many things wrong as a parent–so much so that I fear my behavior nearly (and still may) cost me my relationship. Still I am trying to do right by these kids and this family. At the same time, I am trying to live my own life and thrive and the two never seem to want to work in conjunction.

So… breathe. With the youngest turning 13, there isn’t a lot of time left.

Yesterday I talked about the memory of youth sports. Today I’m going to spend ten minutes reflecting on the next step. My youngest turns 13 soon, and will be sliding into his 8th grade year come fall. We’ve officially ended his youth tackle career. So, now what? He has goals of his own. He wants to develop into a star hurdler and not only win the district, but hit the top of the world as #1 in the US in 75m hurdles. He has a shot as he’s a top 15 guy right now and he sucked (his words). What we’ve long talked about is this gap year being designed as a transition to High School level athleticism. That means designing a full-year plan to transition him to a player who can be starter at the next level. The bad news is: We are already behind schedule.

The first chance he gets to show his stuff is in the spring program, which starts basically at the beginning of April. This brings everything to a head at once. He runs the conference championship in hurdles two weeks after the program begins. So, I have 11 months left to get this kid right. So, that means that my last true gesture to his sports life as a coach/contributor is to get him trained up in the next 11. As we speak he’s at a camp with the Cardinals staff and the local high school staff trying to see where he is at in the larger pecking order.

So, what is the plan? I don’t know. I’ll be developing that plan over the next few weeks. All I know for sure is that it starts soon. Should be fun developing it as well.