Day: October 5, 2022

I don’t have enough writer friends to know if this is natural, but every time I start new writing I find myself wondering if I still have it in me. It isn’t always the same thing. Often it is about the ability to tell stories in a compelling way—the nuts and bolts of crafting effective sentences. Other times it is about not really feeling I have a story left to tell. Both feelings are driven by the anxiety of often not thinking I am a very good writer. My confidence in my words has deteriorated considerably over the decades. I went from being the next Stephen King to being the next Sam Hismadi. Who is that? Exactly. 

A growing lack of personal confidence can be seen as central to my present life issues. I just don’t know if I believe in me anymore. It stems from a combination of abuses/abusers as well as failures on my part that followed me into new relationships as well as professional situations. Oh, and I am getting old. I know that plays a role. I just don’t know quite how.

It is 6AM and I am sitting in a breakfast shop with my laptop searching for some semblance of what it meant to be a writer long ago, as well as what it means to be a writer now. Often I feel so caught up and run down by life’s daily experience that I don’t take the proper time to mediate upon the gift (and escape) that is writing. Instead I dwell on the simpler and more immediate pleasures—a three minute game of Solitaire or Clash Royale repeated ad nauseum until I’ve won enough to offset the grief of the losses; a game of Madden against a frustratingly talented CPU that makes me feel (just a little bit) like I’ve built something in a system I didn’t personally create—thus winning by someone else’s rules. 

All of this low hanging fruit distracts and sustains me through a daily life that more and more feels like treading water until I eventually drown. There has to be a better way. There has to be a way to feel good and to feel alive without the artificial life support. When I was younger and writing with confidence, that is exactly how I felt.  

Some Thoughts:

1. Waiver Thursday then?

Spent time watching the new Wakanda Forever trailer and recognized yet again how Marvel’s agenda of turning every Superhero in to a woman has infiltrated this as well. Only this one feels different. Wakanda has always been about strong black women. It was the thread of the first film and of the preceding comics. Now with the focus on Ironheart and Shuri, that vision continues. I’m not really mad about it here. In truth, it has been accompanied by good story in most of these transformations. Hopefully that continues.

Some Thoughts:

1. When writing in a shared world, some writers choose to take ownership over the world and shape it to their desires and vision. I do that. It is hard when others who do that have a vision I, for the life of me, cannot see a reason to exist. This is not the way, but I will try to maintain a sense of self and vision in the chaos.
2. Fantasy football talk tomorrow, which means it will be Wednesday. This week has flown by quickly.
3. House sales suck. The entire process is about the buyer screwing you just enough so you can both feel okay about the interaction. I’m in a position where I am not getting what I’d call a win, and I am merely waiting until it is over.
4. Falling dangerously behind on writing this week. I’m just completely out of sorts.