Day: October 18, 2022

I’ve been somewhat of a mess over the past few weeks–dragging out the words until the blogs look more like blurbs or tweets that barely satisfy my ten minute rule. I try to remain faithful to the heart of the thing, but the reality of my jittery brain is that I don’t have a lot in the tank. Too much stress.

I am in the final stages of selling my house to a wholesaler. I don’t recommend it. I got into the situation out of a desire to get the process done quickly and at a price that afforded me an opportunity to both clear my debt and to make a little bit of money for myself that I could set aside as a nest egg for investing in land or whatever at a later date. The process did not go as I planned it. I was repeatedly screwed over and watched my profits dwindle at a horrific rate all the while feeling the pressure of the move building. Now I am at the point where it is happening today, I’m not certain I have (or can) gotten everything out of the house, and the integration of the house cat into the new house is going as poorly as possible.

Let’s not forget that after all of the financial wrangling, the nest egg I set aside for myself is only going to be $900. It is not ideal or rewarding in the least, and the stress has made the entire affair feel like work when I meant it to be a joy. I am fully integrating with my partner and that is wonderful, but the process has left me adrift and drained.

This has been a rough start to the week. I’ve felt quite overwhelmed and unable to perform the basic day to day stuff I’m meant to, and I’m hiding into day where I start teaching at 7AM. I don’t feel ready for any of it. Most of that feeling/pressure comes from the new move. This pressure has me messed up again, forgetting to publish posts, and all of the general white noise that drowns out any real thinking and understanding. I just need to get away, get a reset–a HARD reset–and start to think about the things that matter again.

My brother and I talked today about lists. He doesn’t list like I do in terms of oh, this needs to happen today, lists. He writes down everything and then he organizes it in a mental process that is reflective of his brilliance. That way he can sort through the stuff he needs to sort through. I’ve gone listless and it shows.

In a never-evolving pattern I am feeling swamped due to the pressures of the semester catching up to me, and a big change lingering on the immediate horizon. I am late on writing and I hate that feeling. My editor definitely hates that feeling, so I need to get write and fast. It isn’t coming as fast as I’d like…

Oh to be a kid again and the only problems and aggravations be the internet and whether or not my dad will let me watch the game instead of bogarting the remote… Yes, I do that, but only when the Giants are involved. I gotta say, 5-1 is a pleasantness I can get with.