I don’t have enough writer friends to know if this is natural, but every time I start new writing I find myself wondering if I still have it in me. It isn’t always the same thing. Often it is about the ability to tell stories in a compelling way—the nuts and bolts of crafting effective sentences. Other times it is about not really feeling I have a story left to tell. Both feelings are driven by the anxiety of often not thinking I am a very good writer. My confidence in my words has deteriorated considerably over the decades. I went from being the next Stephen King to being the next Sam Hismadi. Who is that? Exactly.
A growing lack of personal confidence can be seen as central to my present life issues. I just don’t know if I believe in me anymore. It stems from a combination of abuses/abusers as well as failures on my part that followed me into new relationships as well as professional situations. Oh, and I am getting old. I know that plays a role. I just don’t know quite how.
It is 6AM and I am sitting in a breakfast shop with my laptop searching for some semblance of what it meant to be a writer long ago, as well as what it means to be a writer now. Often I feel so caught up and run down by life’s daily experience that I don’t take the proper time to mediate upon the gift (and escape) that is writing. Instead I dwell on the simpler and more immediate pleasures—a three minute game of Solitaire or Clash Royale repeated ad nauseum until I’ve won enough to offset the grief of the losses; a game of Madden against a frustratingly talented CPU that makes me feel (just a little bit) like I’ve built something in a system I didn’t personally create—thus winning by someone else’s rules.
All of this low hanging fruit distracts and sustains me through a daily life that more and more feels like treading water until I eventually drown. There has to be a better way. There has to be a way to feel good and to feel alive without the artificial life support. When I was younger and writing with confidence, that is exactly how I felt.
Some Thoughts:
- Waiver Thursday then?