Month: November 2023

It isn’t New Year’s but it is time for a hard reset.

Over the last few months I have stood by as my health declined, my motivation declined, and my writing ability slipped to a sliver of what it was. Overworked? Sure, that is part of it. Lack of prioritization, bad home environment, lack of human connections outside of the home, bad inputs re: fiction.. the list goes on. It all sums up neatly into: I’m not living right. That really has to change and waiting for a particular date doesn’t feel apt.

I can tell you that part of the problem is embarrassment. I don’t feel the least bit safe and secure working out in front of people and I live in a space where people are always there. So that helps my unmotivated ass to not do what needs doing. In terms of the words, I feel overwhelmed. When I feel like that I find anything else to focus on. Usually it is the quick dopamine hit of games. Then I sink deeply into those games… for days. Laziness is a coping mechanism.

I need to go back to the drawing board and accept the things I cannot change and have the courage and will to change the things that I can. This is easier said than done, but nothing worth doing is easy… as cliche and ‘catchy’ or ‘pithy’ as these sayings are they do possess a fair amount of truth juice. Here is the truth: I want to be a better version of myself and the only thing stopping me is me.

First day in a while I’ve had good weather. I mean really good weather. It poured hard for twenty minutes or so and that was that. Now it is cool and the sun is shining and… I am going to a movie in a few hours. I honestly have taken little advantage of the day. I’ve spent most of it inside and buried in a video game. I made great game progress, but no movement in the real life or the real world. This is a Lazy Saturday–a break day if you will. I believe this sort of day constitutes a reset. There is a ton of writing and grading that must occur over the next 48 hours, so I will enjoy the now and lean hard into joy. Later, I work.

Some Thoughts:

1. The post mortem from Deion’s first power 5 season is more or less as he said it would be. They are 6 to 7 guys from being a top team. Those guys are largely linemen and a linebacker. They have to get beef and talent up front on both sides of the ball. When that happens it is going to be a long season for their opponents. In the meanwhile, everyone is taking their shots now. Didn’t this man tell you he keeps receipts?
2. Been thinking about the nature of sexual intercourse as of late. There is a reason why so many texts exist on the subject. What better life than one filled with lovemaking between two people deeply in love? I can think of none.

The man in the gray suit looked like every reason Echo was glad he didn’t work a 9 to 5. He wore a gold watch on his wrist that looked like it’d seen better days. The rings under the man’s eyes told Echo he hadn’t seen those better days in a long time. The shadowrunner slid into the booth across from him with an ease of movement that he still was struggling to adjust to. He felt years younger thanks to the new ware. Now, he set his face in a blank stare and prepared to find himself enough work to pay for it.

“Word is you need work done.” Echo said.

The man looked up, seemingly lost in his own fidgeting. After a moment he said, “Yes. Yes. I need help with a problem that..”

He trailed off. Echo waited for him to pick up the thread. When he didn’t Echo said, “You need help with the kind of problem that needs to stay off the books.”

The man nodded.

“You want to go ahead and tell me what the problem is?”

******Stopping here a few minutes early. I’m losing the pace of the thing. It is tough to come back to a story once a week, especially when you don’t know what it is or where you are going. I don’t advise this sort of one toe dip too often. I don’t think I’ll come back to this one moving forward. New week will mean new start. Time to write a different story… in a different genre

I saw local rain for the first time in a long time today. It was unexpected and a wonderful way to break daylight. Every day I am hear in Arizona I learn more about what I want and need out of life and out of my environment. I feel so sharply in juxtapostion with my kids who only want to do enough to have their free time and to watch TV and play video games as much as possible. Perhaps I’m not remembering my 20s all that well right now, but I wanted to spend time among living people and hang and have relationships and learn as much as I could about the world. That didn’t jump to most of my kin.

What did jump is the ability to get lost in worlds. I’m proud of that part. In truth, my goal as a writer is to create worlds that readers get lost in. I want to be able to provide that escape from here to a there that gives them space to think and feel and grow the way I did as a young reader. I don’t know that it must come from one story or one series in particular. I just want to create it for them.

Some Thoughts:

1. Slow words today. I’m scattered.

Another week, another loss. The facts being what they are, I need to go on a 4-game winning streak in the family league just to be in the playoff conversation. In the $$ league, I’m screwed. I am on a 3 game losing streak (in both leagues, actually) and slipping further and further down the list of contenders with no point boost in sight. I lost out on big point players simply by not being patient and cutting them too soon. Now I am in a position where I am struggling to break 60 points in a week. That’s last place vibes. I cannot say there is a light at the end of any tunnel that I see. Heck, I feel like the Giants.

Speaking of teams that don’t do well as of late, Colorado is struggling to change hearts and minds in the hater-verse and a lot of that comes down to the Stanford game and some of the things that have yet to be cleaned up from that game. Is it a talent issue? Yes. Is it a coaching issue? Yes. Will they grow? Yes. The Sean Lewis OC demotion is both troubling and puzzling, but there is something there I think that is salvageable. Hopefully Lewis stays. He’s got gas gas gas.

I don’t need to go back very far into the catalogue to talk about a moment that resonates. I just need to look to Failure Mode. Back at 7.345 I talked about how I was in a state of decline which felt more like a state of depression and hopelessness than anything else. Sadly, this is part of the cycle of my life. I work to get my head above water, then I take a deep breath and start to drown again. I can never quite stay at the surface, because I always have too much happening in my life to feel like I have the space to float and even breathe. Honestly, the sports stuff feels like pile on. There is little truth to the teams I like worsening as a result of my liking. That’s the ego speaking out loud. On an high note, at least I still possess said ego. Often I wonder if it even exists.

I don’t have my crap together. This is a known fact. I can attribute it to lack of balance in some sense, but more realistically the problem revolves around a failure to develop and maintain a healthy schedule that I’ll stick to in every single aspect of my life. I am an indulgent person, and at 48 going on 12, that indulgence does not quit. The facts being what they are, I need to start from zero and move towards a new normal that embraces place, brings focus to what is actually important in my life and brings the time to truly grow as an individual, because failure mode is a clear indication that I have been wilting for too long, and I don’t have the systems in place to nourish me or my home or my family.

What matters in your life? You know it by what you think about first thing in the morning and what lingers on you the entire day. I think about the woman. I think about the words. I think about football. I think about the game I’m playing. I think about what the kids have going on and helping them get to the next step–be it to the good or otherwise. These are the things that consume me on a daily basis. I’m not sure if all of that distills down into a life, like I walked us through yesterday. I want it to. I need to add to it, subtract where needed, find space and balance for all of that to become a steady and stable existence. Take for example this morning. As we are away I reached out to one of the boys who is trying to play seven on seven football. I tried to talk to him about responsibility and make him really think about what he wants and why he is trying to do what he is doing in order to go into things with open eyes and fixed priorities. I think it stuck. Meanwhile the lady talked to one of the other boys about how things are going at the house while we are away and all I thought about was how much work we would therefore need to get done in order to get that place cleaned up again an back on track after a week of everything falling off. On the one hand I think of both those conversations — the one I had and the one I wish I could have as forms of growth. I wish the boys would see tending to the house as a meaningful endeavor. I wish the boy would fix his priorities so that he was looking future forward instead of falling into flashiness and nonsense.

Ultimately, I believe I want them to understand what matters in their lives but also respect what matters to me and work to support what matters to me the way the lady and I work to support what matters to them. That is part of the balance I find missing in our lives. It is about all we give and them not recognizing that need to return that giving in kind. I wouldn’t call it selfishness as much as immaturity and lack of consideration.

I am not a wealthy man. I think that often when I am considering the life I want to live over the second half of this long and wonderful existence. I continue to wonder about responsibilities and desires and what is best for me and my partner in life and the one kid that remains in the fold. Today I learned about the term Persist in Place. It is, in essence, the fundamental problem in my life and thus relationship right now. We (especially I) have not settled into the idea of where we are at. In fact, I openly refuse to reflect on home as home as opposed to the place I live and work. My partner, who is of the PiP mind struggles even more as a result of my open refusal. How can you build a life and a routine if the person who shares that life is actively working against any routine that includes or even focuses on place.

As of late I’ve been on the family plot in Tennessee. As mentioned in previous posts, life is better here. Life is different here. It isn’t just because I don’t spend my hours cleaning up after other people. In fact, the mode here is to willfully clean up after animals who won’t clean up after themselves. This is the way of the land. Yet when left to do these chores for do-nothing kids, it feels rather different and empty.

The main difference is that we are always working towards something. We are always in pursuit of a goal, be it those daily chores or the higher mission of building this second house or preparing for a party or maintaining and even improving the grounds. It is like when I disappear into my minecraft worlds to build something I am proud of, but it is happening in real life.

As I settle in here I am learning more about the concept of settling in and learning that I need to be able to give that a chance in Arizona. I hate where I live, largely because I can find little to no purpose in the space and even less meaning. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It just means I actively refuse to look.

Good to be in the woods celebrating a birthday and veterans day for a vet. It is a good time out here and we are really happy in the space. All good things. Beyond that, I only have…

Some Thoughts:

1. Colorado lost again–by 3 this time. Tough finish for a team that really really needs a win. Here is something I’ve been giving good thought to the last few days: Penn State is an 8-2 team that gets all the hype. They consistently lose divisional games to ranked teams. In Colo’s first year under the new coach and system all but one loss has come to a ranked team. The facts are if the spotlight is brighter, so is the criticism. I do look forward to next year, but it feels like these guys need to make a bowl game and beat a ranked team again in order to be considered a success.
2. Still feel like failure mode is a thing. I mean any team I cheer for immediately implodes. I know it is a perspective and not a truth per say, but it may be that I am just picking losers.

Picking up from this starter here…

Thin on creds, Echo wasn’t looking to drink too much. He was looking to celebrate, be among people, feel like he was part of something again. It wasn’t that life was all that hard for him. He kept a roof over his head most nights. His tongue stayed wet. There was a trideo in his doss loaded with the best programs and newest games. It was that he felt like outdated hardware. Hell, he was–at least he had been until the surgery last week.

Tonight wasn’t all fun though. The bartender slid a shot glass towards him, filled with whisky developed from chemicals supposedly identical to those that arrived at the end of the distillery process. He took it, wistfully eyeing the bottle of the real stuff staring out at him from behind the bar. Maybe if the meet went right he’d get himself a proper shot. That surgery dropped his credit account back to the three digit mark. It’d move to two if he ordered like he wanted to.

“Man’s been sitting back there for ten minutes.” The bartender, a gruff Orc named Paulie, nodded his head towards a lonely table far from the edge of the dancefloor. A man in a crumpled gray suit sat there fidgeting with his commlink. Echo nodded to Paulie and walked over.