Month: December 2023

I don’t know that people are ever truly honest with each other. It always feels like we hold something back or we give a hint of the truth to spare feelings or arguments. We say enough to clear the table but rarely enough to clear the mind or the spirit. For me it isn’t little white lies that I tell. My problems always boil down to money. If anything I don’t say everything that I do for the kids–be it providing a little extra on the lunch money or throwing a kid a 20 for gas–things that ought not to make me feel guilt but do. As I approach this time of turnover and change I am thinking about how those tiny leave outs add up and create this stream of uncomfortableness which tears away that clear mind and spirit.

I need to live in a home existence where I feel safe and secure enough to be complete honest about all that I do in life. A safe core means I can devote my mental processes to other things and not towards worrying about if the core is safe. It’s basic Maslow’s hierarchy of needs type stuff. I need to feel like that at home and I need to be locked into that same mindset at work, as opposed to feeling like I am watching my back or playing political games or stepping carefully around peoples feelings. Such is what leads me to believe that I am not one cut out for politics but better cut out for writing.

So, on this eve of eve’s I am making a personal vow to be of clean mind and spirit with my partner and by extension in our lives. I want to make sure there are no secrets in the core. Even small ones cause fissures.

Some Thoughts:

1. Post 400 will be on New Year’s eve. turning over to a new hundred as we prepare to turn over to a new 365 feels momentous in a way I cannot fully place.
2. As I lean into a new semester of teaching I need to get my priorities listed and straightened out. I need to get back to having a center and being organized and applying the time I have in a useful way.

I am hacking out this post on a 2012 macbook, which is 11 years old and 6 years past obsolete. Heck, if you consider anything with the intel chipset obsolete, then this is much further down that dark and forgettable road. The thing is, it works. Not amazingly well, but it works better than spending a thousand dollars I don’t have to spend. I think about these things constantly as I try to keep my tech just slightly above bleeding late, because I cannot begin to afford bleeding edge. When I cross that threshold, I’ll know I made it.

When thinking about what to upgrade, it always starts with portable electronics for me. I run mac products nearly exclusively. I carry an ipad 10, this old macbook (unless I have my work rig which is newer), last year’s Iphone (still paying) and a slightly outdated Iwatch. Outside of the macbook, the gear seems to be legit. I do need to consider the computer upgrade, because the work rig is neither mine nor something I can load software on to. I totally want to buy a new system and wire it up to my (outdated) Meta Quest 2 rig and start being the guy who works via VR. That feels right to me.

Some Thoughts:

1. My lady discovered Girlfriend Reviews. Life will never be the same again.
2. If I am being honest with myself, I miss having an existence with friends I go visit where we plan and stage events. The white elephant season left me feeling empty. It feels like everyone in our house but my partner and I went one of those parties. That is when I realized we don’t have parties to go to because none of our people are even as close as 1,000 miles away. Perhaps we need new people… or need to move. Or both.

You take the good and the bad in equal measures. After all, we cannot appreciate one without the other. I think about this concept every morning I wake up and make my way to the living room to try and spend a little time out there enjoying the space before it is occupied by a cavalcade of boys who are deeply ensconced in a world dominated by anime. They call people of this sort Weebs. I have no formal definition of the term other than to say they are teens and young adults who value Japanese anime culture above all else in spite of not being Japanese. The more derogatory Weaboo indicates that they would prefer to be Japanese than what they presently are. Not sure where my boys are in the respect. I mention all this to show the good and bad in equal measures. To the good, the partner and I had a decent amount of time together without any kids and it was wonderful. To the bad, they came home and we realized that nothing had changed. Nothing every changes. They are set in their selves and goals and ideas.

Honestly, what they do is no different than what anyone else does in regards to what they find important. They sink in, they talk about it constantly, and they build their lives around it. I’m the same about the things I find value in, but the difference to me is that I find value in those things. This is not to say I don’t value what they like–I value that they like it.

Okay I did the math. I’m in two leagues: Louisiana’s Finest Fantasy Football League ($$ Winner 2022-3 Season) and Beach Born League (2nd Place 2022-3). Had I done better in the do or die week to reach the playoffs in the $$ league, I still would’ve been knocked out by #2 heading into this week’s ‘ship. The math is a bit fuzzy, given that I don’t know exactly if I would’ve been 5 or 6. 5 would mean I am in the ‘ship. Regardless, I am out and that shows me that I have a lot of work to do to be back IN next year–in both leagues. I have first pick next year in Beach Born (I get to keep McCaffery in the other, so I am good there). I will likely use that pick to get a solid point maker like Mc-Point-rey, or someone nearly as good (imagine Barkley on a team with an O-line!).

Meanwhile, the people who are at the top deserve to be there. In the family league, we have the 3-time most points son vs. the perennial dead last son. Any questions as to who I am rooting for? Everyone loves an underdog. On the bright side, both earn significant cash for the win in this two-week final. This format makes it so luck plays less of a factor. Injury still makes a difference. My kid whose team was called hospital for that very reason missed the finals because Amari Cooper benefited from an injury to all of his QBs forcing an oldhead out of retirement to throw to the one guy he could see downfield… 51 points later the kid is out. Football can be crazy like that.

So here are some predictions: The Giants won’t make the playoffs… just kidding, everyone knows that isn’t even being entertained. I do think the long time loser will be a winner this year. He deserves the shine. I will proudly don the toilet bowl next year at the draft and accept what the league becomes moving forward.

I am going to attempt to blog now.

After being in bed for 14+ hours I think I have conjured up enough energy to put ten minutes down on the digital ‘paper’. I’m sick–so much so that I am skipping this evening’s bowl game to, in all likelihood, go back to bed early and attempt to get right. My partner and I were supposed to go to an Ice Bar tomorrow. Turns out the only one in our state shut down. So, unless I whisk her off on a plane to Vegas, that plan is done… for now. All for the better. I am not sure I am ready for an Ice bar in this condition, though that is entirely what I was prepping for.

The sick has hampered work on the novel. While I want to be spitting out pages like a fax machine, I don’t have the mental wherewithal to put in that many words. Look how these blogs are turning out. Mostly it has devolved into ramblings about what is wrong. I’ll tell you, what is wrong is the vibe here. It is very different when we have the place to ourselves. Better. More energy and positivity.

Some Thoughts:

1. Back to the Waiver Wire tomorrow. I think It is always good to stay in flow for things.
2. I also need to get back to my workouts.

Being sick on christmas is trash. Seriously. I was able to have fun for the first few early morning hours, but I’ve been a mess since noon. We are talking six hours of xmas not glee here. When the boys came back from Japan they brought the sick with them. They’ve been recovering, but it took me a couple of days to realize that the madness going on with my body all of a sudden might have an easily diagnosable cause. They got me and the lady sick. That’s what happened.

Now I sit and type out these evening minutes like a countdown till when I can finally take some ‘knock me out’ meds to end this day and, hopefully, reload my body a little. 2024 promises to be an exciting year, and I intend to be ready day one. What is going to happen? A crazy election cycle to be sure, and likely a great deal of talk about the possibilities of violence and even civil war (heck, there was already one movie that tackled the subject in brief, and another is on the way to discuss it head on). However, I have faith in the majority of America. Here is what I think: 10 to 20% of the people do all of the talking while the other 80 know exactly how to act and realize, without a doubt, how bad the Trump era was. No, those 80 are not in Florida. After trying to rename a road after Trump, they ain’t in Tennessee either.

The fact is, I have very high hopes for 24. I plan for it to be my best one yet. I plan to get my shit back together and my weight under control. I owe it to my partner and I owe it to myself.

Merry Xmas, all. May all your plans become reality!

Twas the night before xmas and blog time was here.

Ten minutes of sharing good thoughts and good cheer.

Soon night would fall and festivities begin

a time to be with loved ones, be they friend or kin.

If this were a Tuesday I’d turn back the clock

I’d see the old versions of this and with shock

I’d say what ever happened to xmas poems so long?

The answer, you see is as loud as a song

It’s Christmas, it changes so much through the years

Some times filled with wonder, some even with tears

Some I remember, as a wonderous night

Yet even the bad ones came with some delight

Though as the clock turns, these kids they do age

From infant to toddler and into teenage.

Soon, too old for Santa and the wonder he brings

But never too old for wanting things

Even without magic, the kids still have joy

‘Cause there still will be presents for each girl and boy.

Even the naughty ones can still have some fun.

We’ll play games and see if more gifts can be won.

Writing this novel I am thinking about the last one in the series and how I wrote it in my last house–last office. Time–life–moves quickly and when I stop to think about it, I’ve done so much and had so many opportunities. It is luck, in part, but it is also a willingness to take chances and being prepared for the opportunities that are out there. Most of my life has been about seizing opportunities that are presented. Recently I heard about this ‘theory’ called the Red Car Theory. The idea is straightforward. Most of us don’t know how many red cars we see in one day. However, if we got $50 every time we spotted one we would definitely be more aware. In other words, if we take stock and have a stake in knowing this, we will become more aware. If we are prepared for opportunities then we will be able to capitalize on those when they arise.

Here are my facts: I have holes in my understanding and learning. I also have opportunities to further my degree NOW before I’m too old. I need to sit down with my partner and have a discussion about that and decide as a couple if this is a direction we are trying to pursue.

Some Thoughts:

1. Back to using a screen/window to have rain sounds on. It is a form of white noise that wipes out the rest of the world and also puts me in a mood to write. Perhaps I work best in the rain. Perhaps I work best in Seattle or New York or anywhere else. I’d like to have a moment in my life to figure that out. I’d like to be traveling and learning where I best fit in. It could be a fixer-upper a few hours from the city. Who knows?
2. The rain screen itself is ?. It makes me feel like I’m next to a window looking out on a sci-fi city. I love that feel. It makes me want to write about dangerous worlds. So… I’m gonna go do that right now.

This latest novel has proven to be a different approach to writing. I haven’t so much as written chapter by chapter as outlined each chapter and went over and over each one adding as I go. I don’t know how I feel about the approach, but it seems like what is needed for this story. Each pass brings more depth to character and a better understanding of story and place. Early in the writing there were characters who were wholly undefined, and now as I go through I find that I understand more of them and their motivations. That is moving me to rewrite portions and add in places, making it a deeper and better rounded out story. I didn’t do this at all with the last novel in the series and it shows. I have at least one character who feels more like an outline or a caricature or simply and archetype of what she could be. Given that she is also not the lead in this novel, I could save her POV for the last one in this particular series. What’s funny is I treated the first novel like a one-off, and now it is two and possibly 3-4. The more I write, the more I know about the characters and more I become attached to them as people. That is, I think, what is supposed to happen to writers when they take the time and energy to really sink into the craft.

Some Thoughts:

1. Health continues to deteriorate. Blood pressure to heart rate ratio is showing signs of hardening arteries and weakening heart muscles. I haven’t done any real exercise in a year and, until a month ago, I hadn’t even attempted a short jog. Like not even 20 ft. Well, I need to fall back into that action. No. If I want to get healthy I need to push myself back in. I’m going to try all avenues–including VR to keep myself engaged in getting right. Without effort I am lost.
2. Kids start coming back today. It was an amazing feeling to have the house to me and my partner. Definitely fun while it lasted.

242.6. I’m up .4

I can account the minor fluctuations to time of day and such. I cannot account for the fact that I am 50 lbs above safe BMI or ideal weight. Fifty. At what point do you start to wonder if you cannot recover or get to the healthy mark? I am in trouble bad here, and if I am being honest, I am snatching healthy years away from my life by not being active and not trying to reverse this situation. Am I too far gone or just too lazy? All I can say is that when I realized this was impacting my memory and creativity, I did nothing to change my condition.

What I actually need to do is put down a schedule I am beholden to follow and in that schedule make real time to get right. 50 lbs. No, I am not going to take Ozempic… my partner would kill me. Instead, I’m working the 2 lbs a week angle. I think I can get that flowing if I get myself seriously moving. I’ll set up a calendar with the check in dates on Thursday, so I can make sure I am comparing myself to what I intend. It matters. I have to make the sacrifices to make it matter to me.