The death of my mac has certainly messed up my mood. You could say that it brought me to my own personal black screen of death. I don’t blame the mac entirely. My mood has been in rough territory for some time. I am trying to strike a balance–find a way that everyone in my life gets attention and is happy. I fear that in that someone is always being ignored or not cared for, etc. I also think that the laptop represented a type of crutch. It was opportunity and connectivity. So long as I had it I could work, which made me feel like I would work even if I didn’t. Removed from the opportunity for even that, I find that there is little to keep my heart and soul from plummeting into the depths of disappointment and to no small extent, negative self-actualization.
In short, I do actually suck now and I am lazy, and I no longer have agency in any of it. That is my worst fear–the loss of the opportunity to get this thing right and turn myself around. Maybe deep down I know that it is already too late for that and this small moment (brought to you by Apple) is just a taste of the future the way I see the future sometimes when I put on a shirt and look like all of those beer belly guys.
So, this too is an opportunity for me to show that this possible future is only still one of many and that I do have agency in my life. If I actually believe that I do.