Every so often I look at my life and ask myself, “Would I be satisfied with my life if it ended today?” The answer is no. It is always no. I suppose there is a bit of fear that to say yes would mean that I could end my life, but the truth is I am not close. Not at all.
My life is comprised of moments of joy floating in a sea of unease. In one sense I could argue that the unease makes the joy more meaningful, however I don’t feel like I need that much of it to make the point. There is a lot of good in my life but lately the good feels like it pushes against each other threatening to cancel each other out.
I’ve spoken about balance before, but I mean to reiterate here: Balance is the key to getting more moments of happiness in my life and I am a person who is historically bad at creating balance (and historically bad a relationships to boot). So, I am trying to learn how to be better at such things. I have that to live for and that to move me towards a life of satisfaction.
I used to view satisfied as a bad word, as though ‘enough’ was not to be lauded. Now all I want to do is find a bit of satisfaction before my candle blows out.