I am embarking on this latest path of self discovery and growth. I am trying to recognize how things with my partner fell so far adrift from perfection. I am trying to understand how I have and continue to decline as I age instead of maintaining or even improving in some areas as I’ve watched so many others manage to do. In sum, I stopped growing in the most basic ways and while the universe has provided me with opportunities at every turn, my lack of growth has resulted in a failure to take full advantage of those opportunities in life or even to recognize myself. This internal strife manifests externally as my body continues to atrophy at a horrific rate. I’m shifting quickly from muscle to fat and my spine and heart are suffering the effects of that rapid transition.
So, that is the bad. The fix is unclear. The fix does require self evaluation on a level I’ve not achieved in the past. I’m looking at myself and writing about what I see in all aspects of my life. I’m reducing. I am simplifying the reality around me in order to focus more energy on that simplified reality and do the best I can to pour real energy into that reality.
That is a really wordy way of saying that I am looking at myself and trying to recognize what I like and, as importantly, what I don’t like, and what I need to change. I am learning to give time to myself alone and recognize when I am doing that. I am learning to give time to that bond between myself and my partner and recognize when I am doing that. All of this matters. All of this requires deeper analysis. For example, what does giving time to that bond mean? Am I spending time with her? Am I trying to explore new things? What about me time? Is that also writing time? Is that separate? Even as I write this I think it is separate and should be, because the writing is a career and that deserves its own focus. Likewise the school stuff deserves its own focus.
I need to grow. Things that are not growing are dying. Homeostasis is the space between those two where you’ve worked towards a balance of what you were, are , and will become. I’ve been living in the space of what I was. I drowned in it. It is time to emerge to a place of becoming from a place of where I am now.
Some Thoughts:
- Brady is the GOAT. I want to be more like that in my life.
- I might drop a Madden column this week on the Waiver. Feels like something worth exploring a bit.