I am supposed to be on vacation writing and enjoying the beach and the great outdoors but none of it is great. My neck is injured to the extent that I am very limited in how long I can even walk around outdoors. I find myself slipping back inside to take an hour or two to recoup. This is the most writing I have done, because it hurts a lot to sit and type. I’m in an incredible amount of pain and I am going to be setback at least a week on my deadlines. All of this is the me. I haven’t even begun to talk about how damaging this is to my relationship. I don’t even know where to begin.
Maybe here: I am lame.
I’ve tried to work around it and I am thinking up ways to fix it but the truth is I am lame. I am not a very fun person and I don’t have a great deal of ambition to do fun and exciting things. In truth I don’t hardly recognize what those things are anymore. I am broken in all the important ways. This cannot be good for my partner who is young and vibrant and wants to discover cool stuff. She is trying to hang in there, but I can tell how much life sucks being with me.
I am angry.
I don’t know how to fix these issues and it makes me mad and feel awful about who I am as a person. I am not thoughtful or creative and I don’t do the little things to make this world a better place. I know this and it pisses me off. I ought to be changing and fixing it but I haven’t and I have no idea why or even exactly how. All of this feels like excuse making, so that makes me even more upset.
I am hurt.
I am injured almost constantly these days. I am a wreck of a human and quickly devolving into a medical emergency. I have done nothing to change this and that has to suck for her too.
Overall, I’m not a very good human anymore and I don’t seem to be changing.