I meant to write a post about systems and symptoms and the sound of words and how things all flow together. I meant to be broad and deep and talk about all of this in a way that felt meaningful and even vaguely literary. But… I’m tired. My shoulder hurts. I’m not about that lit life tonight. I want to drink a bunch of water, maybe have an old fashioned, a few chicken wings, and watch some TV. Is that okay?
Is it okay to be the guy who wants to sit on the couch and do nothing or the guy who wants to play a game of Madden but doesn’t entirely care about the nuance of the game? That is who I am this evening. Just a guy. There is a peace and serenity in that which leaves me feeling entirely okay. I can be that guy more often whereas I was raised to think that guy was a total loser and I was coming for his paycheck.
This is a long winding road to a simple point: Ambition can be fleeting and it can be classifiable. I’ve long been a person who can segment my life into cubbies and pull open that cubby to put on the ‘self’ needed for a particular task or role. I don’t know that I am that guy anymore. Maybe I am and maybe I’m burned out on being that guy–or anything to be honest. I know that I get out of bed in the morning thinking about snuggling with my partner, writing, playing a few games, taking a walk, having coffee, and thinking about doing something more with my day before ultimately running down the preexisting list in no set order (though snuggles and coffee usually come first). Do I want or need more?
That is a good question. I ought to be asking another question: Why do I suddenly feel the need to ask?
Some Thoughts:
- Injury is healing up slowly (and unevenly), and has progressed enough that I am back to writing this novel. The break was unfortunate and set me back a little ways, but I feel like I am ready to dive back in and make the magic happen.
- More and more I recognize that I make the wrong choices in my family dynamic. It makes me feel like a sociopath… or just a crappy dude.