10 Minute Rule

Not much going on, so not much to really say on a Sunday night where I am about to roll into a spring break. Honestly, the most interesting thing going on is looking at the movies that are nominated for Oscars so I am better informed about the films that may win. Outside of that… nothing. Not Madden, which turned out to be more of the same basic stuff with different players and, of course, both fun and irritating as a person who plays. Tomorrow I intend to give Elden Ring a shot, tho I don’t know if I want to put too much effort into the affair. A few hours doesn’t seem to be enough yet a few hours is all I have to give.

In the wonderful world of writing, I am not. At least not so much right now. I need to get back to the flow of this particular story that has me all locked up. It is a good one, and one I think I can get published through Amazon or elsewhere. Not sure where to go with it, but I want it to get done before I start stirring the publication pot.

So, yeah. That’s all that is going on. Another simple sunday.

Some Thoughts:

1. My partner believes I have a problem with proximity to things I used to be completely dedicated to. Youth Football, for example, used to be a huge portion of my life. Train kids all week for a Saturday showdown. Well, I’m done with all of it and I cannot help myself but wandering back to see how people are doing and what teams are doing. I’m done. Really really done. However, I need to steer clear of what has easily become an addiction and an addictive routine. Step 1: Delete instagram.
2. Yep, that is all I got.

Not a lot happening in the world right now that I feel capable of discussing, so I will talk a little Madden. Here’s what’s been going on: After five or so seasons of the Madden family league, my eldest quit. The others didn’t exactly follow suit, but it quickly became clear that they wanted a fresh start and wanted him back in. Today we drafted a Legends league, and I must say the situation looks to be interesting. I drafted line first and then went out and grabbed three RBs: Jim Brown, Gayle Sayers, and Bo Jackson. This gives me the chance to put one at FB (since I failed to draft a TE for the spot) and have a devastating backfield compliment in which Brown runs as FB and I can shuttle the other two for speed and power. I got a few speedy WR to compliment them, so I can run my offense. My defense is a situation in terms of stopping the run though. I have amazingly fast MLBs but nothing of value on the outside. This is a no-trade league, so that puts me in a position to ONLY build through draft and free agency and, well, coaching.

So, why did I draft that way? I don’t know. I felt like if I had an all-star o-line I would be in position to run the ball really well. All but 1 lineman is 90+ rating. None have abilities, but I suspect the breakouts are coming eventually. My LT is 99 rating and my C is 98 which should help with stopping the main glitchy pass rushes my kids lean on. Outside of that I have Darell Green and Deion Sanders at CB, so I suspect they’ll be able to lock up a lot of Wrs in coverage–especially when tasked with playing man to man. I usually run a ton of zone, but I’m working on changing that scheme to one that better fits what my kids run and what my players can do. Like I said, my front end is not very good, but the back end can definitely hold it down.

Some Thoughts:

1. What a life when you can sit and blog about Madden for 10 minutes like that is the biggest thing happening that day.

To hear it from every right-wing news outlet in the world, Kamala Harris is already a failure–a laughing idiot who degrades the American position-ad Biden is flat out weak. This is a constant narrative. This is how republicans will, inevitably, regain the presidency and do so in the form of Trump most likely. The narrative is the most important thing. The truth is irrelevant.

Back in July of 21 The L.A. Times wrote a story about how Harris’ laughter was a soundcheck of American divisiveness. Note: This is a long long time before the latest snafu that Harris’ laugh was front and center in the culture war in America. The latest incident occurred during a press conference where she and the leader of another nation were being asked a question about whether or not the US would take more refugees. This has been a sensitive and difficult issue between the two nations and Harris chuckled–ostensibly about the awkwardness of the silent moment–said, “Ok” and replied, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” In other words, she was trying to get the President of Poland to answer the question he was being asked before she offered her response. Of course, he laughed too. Others in the crowd laughed. Harris got raked over the coals alone.

Welcome to politics. Welcome to optics. I’ve seen three different versions of the video in three different efforts to see what actually happened. Two were obvious edits, removing content the first had in place in order to make it seem like she just started laughing maniacally. Optics. That is why they will win.

I’ve seen this behavior–this kind of laughter–before. It was a staple of the way my mom and most of the black women I’ve known my entire life communicate. Whether or not it is inappropriate is not for me to decide. What I can say is that it is generally a response to the absurdity of the moment. Where some people turn to anger or somberness in such moments, similar moments are met, by black women, with a ‘oh no he didn’t’ laugh.

Right or wrong, this is the way.

Tomorrow I might be writing in the public space. I haven’t really done that much over the past year. There is real value in it and writing in public is different than writing in the privacy of my office shelter. The outside world gets in. From time to time you ought to let it in. I gather characters from my own experience and the world experience around me, but since Covid that experience has primarily been my students and whatever excursions I’ve been fortunate to attend with my partner. So, maybe there is some good in doing this. Maybe I should get out there and listen to the beat of the world for an hour, taking it all in and creating from that sound, character.

Of course, writing at all would be a healthy step. Writing at home might be easier thanks to the comfort and quiet of the space. The familiarity of the office–the char and the desk and the lighting–all bring me into a calm writing space as well. A comfortable writer can be and should be a productive writer. There’s good in that for sure.

I think perhaps a balance ought be struck in this endeavor. Perhaps I choose to write in pubic once a month. I pick a day and a place. I go to a cafe or a library or somewhere that I may observe the world and I ingest that as a healthy part of my diet. I think this to be a useful thing.

I cannot speak enough on how my life has continually and repeatedly fallen apart. My life is that old pair of sneakers you keep in the closet and pull out occasionally because you’re nostalgic and just don’t want to let go. It is that blanket you had as a kid–the one you got from your dad that has since lost all the padding but, despite being cleaned a million times to the point of being threadbare, still smells like him. It is the toy you taped up because you just knew you’d never be able to get another one like it. My life is all of these things, and my life crumbles on a monthly basis. The more it falls apart the more I come to recognize the individual pieces and threads that hold it together. I can see, for example, how I start my days and how that impacts each day that I start differently. Seeing alone isn’t understanding, but breaking it down gets me one step closer to figure out what to do and what not to on the road to making what is left of my life as joyous and productive and momentous as possible. So, here is some of what I learned.

1. Start with a Song. Energy isn’t necessarily triggered by music but it is certainly harnessed by it. A piece of music that means something to you and carries the tonal qualities of what you woke up feeling or want to feel might be just the thing to kick the day off right. It isn’t just the music. You have to let it in. You have to move and dance and sway and really allow the sound to seep into you, collecting those vital energies you need to make the day matter.
2. Move. Remember, you just woke up. A body at rest tends to stay at rest, so get into motion. I’ve been riding a bike lately, but a morning walk or stretching or anything of the sort ought to get your physical form activated and able to process the needs of the day.
3. Laugh. Positive emotion is empowering–especially in a world that appears to want to scare you to death all the time. Before you turn on the news, or look into how much work you have to do, or worry about your relationship, etc. Find a way to laugh. Keep a book of jokes nearby. I’ve taken to watching 30 minute comedy specials while I ride my bike. Infusing joy into my life gives me the strength I need to persist–especially when I don’t want to persist.
4. Plan. I’m very bad at this one, but it matters. My partner keeps a daily sheet expressing what needs to get done each day. I used to rock a planner and lay out my day in this fashion. I’m about to get back to it, because without knowing what needs to get done and writing it down, I tend to wander off into the land of ‘don’t care’.
5. More to come here, but ten minutes is ten minutes.. and at the very least a good start.

I know, but with all the action today I had to write stuff down. Russell Wilson is going to DENVER. That is crazy. He was traded for a slew of draft picks, a D-lineman and Drew Lock (QB). The 2 1st and 2 second rounders are the chief hall here, as Seattle is likely to use one to get a new QB and let Lock fight for a spot this season. Seattle is now in rebuild. Perhaps even quick rebuild as they could be considering one AZ QB who seems very unhapy at home. Such is the curious life of the QBs.

Speaking of QBs, Rodgers got 200 million. Yet that somehow lowered his cap hit for 2022 and on. Lowered by 20 million. He is going to make a ton of cash closing things out with the Pack, but it does lead to a serious question: Is Jordan Love expendable? I would say YES. I would also argue that he might be trade bait going into a draft that is high on QB needy squads and low on solid QB Buzz.

I still think the Giants role with Jones. The cap quandary in NYC is not a joke. They need to get money off the books in the worst way, and that means shedding talent and also shedding bad contracts. Golladay showed up to met life with a mask and a gun. He needs to get cut for the way he robbed the franchise. He’s not nearly as talented as he’s getting paid to be and I don’t see improvement happening any time soon. So, can you cut him? No. Not till next year. However, there are others who can rework contracts or get traded (Bradberry). All signs point to Saqoun being released in a season, so there is a legitimate need to shed as much dead weight (and dead salary) as possible to start that rebuild process from ground game up.

And Now This…

Madden… https://www.reddit.com/r/Madden/comments/t9h2il/seriously_ea/

Oh, Madden… https://www.reddit.com/r/Madden/comments/t98c8i/now_what_am_i_supposed_to_do_here/

I am consistently inconsistent (yeah, I thought that was clever).

There is little in my life that remains on track or on schedule all of the time. One notable exception is this here blog. I come back to the page everyday for 10 minutes and pour out words. Sometimes it is a gush and sometimes a dribble. Regardless, I’m here and I am writing. I feel accomplished when I finish. I feel like I’ve spent another day on this planet and in this life doing something that I feel right about. It is often the only time of day I feel that way. The blog matters to me. It has mattered since the day my sister told me to do it. Now my partner helps me keep it alive even when I am at my worst, which is more often than not lately.

I need to get back to good.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’ve come around to having favorite places. I think I’ve always been there but never quite realized it. There are places that I see in my mind from time to time and think: I love it here. There are a few new places on that list and they, shockingly, are not in NYC. Two are in Seattle and one in Pine, AZ. odd that. I guess I’m growing into being a person who likes that climate and type of space.

I think it is possible to actively swap out anger for sadness. I spent days being very angry and when that passed all that was left was a great deal of sadness and regret, leading me to the understanding that the two emotions are linked. The things that trigger anger can also trigger sadness in a more compassionate person. I was once far more emotionally compassionate and aware than I am now, leading me to believe in the voracity of this approach.

As a result, I am rather sad today. I’m sad because I am reflecting on the impact of my words and actions on the people around me and that brings me sadness. I am reflecting on the internal conflict between whether to spend my birthday with my partner and family or just partner, and given how that indecision brings her to a negative emotional state, I’ve fallen back into a deeper level of sadness. Honestly, I’d rather not celebrate my birthday at all. Any celebration inevitably costs money and given how tight my budget is, I’d rather not see money go out for my enjoyment. I’d rather see it go to the enjoyment of others. That in of itself would bring me joy. Regardless, I am in a position where choices need to be made and, inevitably, someone is going to feel left out. It is equally possible that I am overthinking this and my kids, at least, won’t actually care because they have their own stuff going on.

Tough week. One of the hardest of my life emotionally. I’ve had cause to face several difficult truths about myself and my relationships and how very frightfully small the circle of people who really care for me and have my back is. 4. That number is 4. Mind you, I have 6 kids and a partner. I even have at least one living parent and a brother who is more blood than blood.

4. that’s a rough reality to face and made rougher by the fact that I’ve created the situation myself by not being the best to people and not being the best possible version of myself.

I actively tried to bring that number to 3 recently with some very destructive behaviors. This isn’t the first time. I broke up with a girl I was definitely and completely in love with in high school because I got scared that she didn’t love me as much as I did her. Fear makes me very stupid and I’ve spent a life living with the consequences of a seemingly endless string of fear-derived actions.

what am I so afraid of? If it’s being alone then I’m getting there quite easily anyhow.

Yesterday I wrote about how my partner set her boys up for life by letting them live at home through college (or at least thus far through college). Everyone panned her for the gesture. The entire family thought she was letting them take advantage of her and not teaching them how to be men. I also thought it was a very bad idea, though my reasoning was that it isolated the boys and doesn’t teach them how to interact with people or take care of themselves because they don’t have to do that when they live at home.

I still feel that way, but I also feel that the way she set them up financially is wonderful. I’m proud of what she’s done. I’m not having it for the remaining three boys. It is a cultural thing as much as it is my own experience being out there at 18 and in college dorms and learning about being self sufficient. It is also a financial thing in a sense, because I don’t want to have to be here raising these men past the next 5 years. I have our last one turning 18 five years from now. That puts him gone to college the following fall. That puts us gone by at least then.

It is a different mindset. Whereas she is about being here to help them grow, I selfishly want to help them get to an earlier exit stage of growth and then leave too.