10 Minute Rule

Flacco is a Bengal.

Heck, he might even start next week. That makes me think real hard about the other Qbs in the league and how these choices are made. I mean Winston can still sling it… Did the Giants not want to let the Preacher go? I’m less surprised about Russ. He’s cooked. The Giants are overall cooked as a squad after that baffling disappointment of a performance. Why does every team I like–save the UNC Bears–play like ass? Actually, the Bears sell too, but at least keep it interesting. There’s hope for them yet.

There’s hope for me yet too in fantasy. In the $$ league I’ve moved to 3-2. I’m in a player dropping mood there as well. Brian Robinson? Dropped. Hopkins? Dropped. Kendre Miller? Dropped. I’m adding the new kid from the Chiefs on a flyer, but I am hopeful to find more superstars hiding in the dirt. So far? No luck. I need WR. That is the worry spot for me…

Some Thoughts:

1. Today was yet another reminder that it does indeed come down to race. How else do you explain the fear and hatred associated with B. Obama, who is ostensibly a good person vs. the heaps of praise and love on Trump who is ostensibly a dirt bag? Somewhere Nixon is like, “But how? He’s not even smart!” He is smart, Tricky. He is not intelligent.

Hypercriticism of black men and women in traditionally white roles is at a fever pitch. I don’t say this lightly. I say this with the full understanding of the political climate we live in and the understanding that racism is, more often than not, politically aided. It is basically the default position to say that if a person of color is doing a job then there is a likelihood their race played some role in getting them there. As such, when they are judged they are additionally judged by that standard–often falsely. In other words, a person of color in a prestige role needs to represent the entirety of their race, while a ‘white’ person in the same role does not. This is how we end up with memes like this:

The brother looks like a stereotyped hispanic person. Except he’s a black man. Note that the white man was not transformed in any way here. A choice was made and propagated by the President and his cronies. That tells us everything we need to know about how race is viewed by those presently in power. Here’s the thing: If you are a person of color, you have to work twice as hard to escape the stigma of not looking like the dominant race in the USA. Everything you do is questioned. Those questions create a a sense of inability that continues to haunt us as a people.

What we are seeing is an uptick or a blowback of the idea that white privilege should be eliminated. What we are seeing is a sense of victimization–not by those of color but by those who are NOT of color. They are claiming to be the victims in all of this. That is what is driving a great deal of the terribleness haunting this country right now. It isn’t just politics. It is sports as well. It is self-perpetuating largely because we live in a ‘eyes’ economy or a ‘clicks’ economy if you prefer, where the more attention you can get, the more dollars you can get. This is why we spend so much time talking about Sanders and his son. People want to see the kid fail or succeed. This is why the meme above is on every news show. People want to see what happens as a result of such a brazen insult.

The thing of it is, this isn’t new. When Rome fell, it was nonsense like this chipping away at the foundations. It took a few hundred years for Rome, and later the British Empire, to go down. I suppose it is coming round to being our turn.

Roleplay writing and I are going through a bad moment. I feel as if I’ve lost the thread as of late. Nothing feels original or interesting in the writing and the stories I am putting out feel flat. Even the novel, which I enjoyed, echoes of other things. It is entirely character driven and lacks some of that “this is the world!” type flare that the books which inspired me have brought to the table. At least the writing is decent (IMHO).

That brings me to a deeper understanding and a deeper question. I understand that this is not enough for me right now. I question what is and where to go from here. I’ve started looking into another RP property, which I think could be a ton of fun to develop. It brings me joy to develop new things the way I was able to develop Voltron. I want to do that, but that is not all I want to do. I look at my fantasy world everyday and remark on the fact that I am not doing anything with that world. I could be. Heck, I may even be able to find a grad class to couch the work in. I cannot register until Halloween, so that question needs to wait in order to be answered. What does not have to wait is my choice to pursue something new and interesting. I need to work on the Justice Engine. Chapter 2 is calling.

But why isn’t that project screaming at me? Why am I not rushing to the laptop to do the work? It isn’t about being lazy. I want to write. In listening to the Dark Tower series I followed King’s winding mental pathway towards the resistance to complete that series, and I feel echoes of some of that in me. I don’t know if real life is getting in the way or I am continuing to use that as an excuse. Part of it is not fully knowing the characters, but again, excuses.

I suppose I ought to just get into it. Justice Engine and all.

Lately I’ve found myself revisiting the cheapoldhouses.com website. It is a solid fantasy that may wind up being more than that. My wife, the wonderful Lady Talis, and I need one. Things here are more like survival than thrive. We are spending the majority of our at-home energy preserving a state of perpetual ease for grown children who don’t necessarily need it, and we are suffering as a result of that and of the terrible social conditions here. This is not the place for us. First off, there are hardly any trees, which is a big deal. Yet the work is good, the pay is good, and we have one more high schooler in the fold.

Hell, he can move with us should he choose to. It would probably be for the best…

Some Thoughts:

1. They got blown out. It was 42-0 at the half and that was simply because the other team was running the clock and the backups were in. It ended 49-7. Desert Vista is not a well coached team. The product they put on the field often doesn’t resemble a program worthy of competing in the highest division in the state. They lack the players, the coaches, and the straight up backing of the school. The program is a joke. On a night where they honored a former player who made it to the NFL they showed that they may never see another player make it to the show. In truth there are four players on the roster who can possibly play at the next level. Only two of those have a D1 chance. My kid is one merely because of size and pedigree. Having a brother at that level goes a long way. Unfortunately, he’s being coached into the ground by a HC that is so very clearly over his head. At this point it would be negligent for me not to consider moving him elsewhere to actually have a chance to put up good film.

I should’ve picked up Kendrick Bourne. I was about to do it. 5 minutes before the game started I opted to start Brian Robinson instead of dropping him for Bourne. The move cost me 20 points and likely the win in an otherwise winnable matchup. Now I am predicted to lose by 16, which would drop me to 2-3 and start me on another long climb towards playoff contention. Why didn’t I do it? I was hyper focused on the RB position. I though CMC would dial it back. I thought he might be hurt. I thought wrong. Now I find myself in the midsts of yet another losing fantasy season with a mindset that can only be described as defeated. Funny how sport mirrors life sometimes.

In other news, the High School kid is facing an 0-5 ALA-Queen Creek team that was in the Open Playoffs last year but has given up an average of 39 points a game while only scoring 20 a game. I still think DV gets blown out. The 2-3 Thunder simply are not a well coached team. The QB is a liability as is the defensive line. They’ve been in every single game and every time they lose it comes down to giving up run plays and a failure of the Q to move the ball and, often, turning it over in critical situations. This is a brutally honest assessment. My kid needs to play better. While he has turned the page in the last two games, he still hasn’t reached the level of game changing ability needed to score a D1 contract. He shows it in spurts, but to be on a consistently bad team that puts the defense in very bad situations, you gotta capitalize and make big plays. That is what I’m seeing from the defense my other kid helps anchor at the college level.

I am at the point where I am merely there to support the kid–not the team or the idea of the team. I tried that. I support the defense. I care about those kids out there, but when I see a coach refuse to make changes and put kids in bad situations again and again, that is not an offense I can support.

Another night and another blog pushed out at the last minute. I am completely slipping. Tomorrow is a new start. I am going to get up, do a walk, and then get my stuff together. I need to lock in on a routine that is healthy and productive and has me feeling and thinking with positive energy throughout the day. I gotta stop surviving and get back to a place where I am actually productive and doing the thing I am on this planet to do.

I mean other than loving my wife and kids…

I am seeing obstacles at every turn and ghosts in the darkness I am having bad dreams and chasing bad ideas. I am doing everything wrong and precious little right. I am too old for it and it is not sustainable in the least. My goal, ultimately, is to be able to start the next phase teachign elsewhere and living a life with writing forward. I want to feel like I am making progress towards that and I want to feel like this phase is going to end well. All that is happening at present is me spinning my wheels. Nothing productive can happen without a strong foundation. I need to do what is neccesary to prioritize setting that foundation for myself.

Some Thoughts:

1. Need to also get back to basics in terms of savings. That is a huge thing I have failed to prioritize. I am paying down debt, sure, but I’m approaching retirement and I am not close to ready. How do people do this?
2. Thinking about reading some books. Not audio but actual print. Been a while since I’ve consumed a real book. Needs to happen soon.
3. Don’t really have much more to say but a minute or less to say that…

Decided to take a brief escape from the home and kids and the endless groundhog’s day that is that existence. We took the time to find some trees up north. I love the chance to get out in open space and enjoy a bit of nature. It is something I’ve always known, at least unconsciously. Now it feels like a lifeline. It isn’t the same to be walking amidst the desert landscape—even in a riparian. That space, those low-slung houses in neat rows, all of it is so far from peaceful that I cannot find any good in it.

When I walk at home I need to be going somewhere or find another way to transport myself away from the walk. If alone an audiobook turns the trick. If not, I try to get lost in conversation and forget where I am. This is how I survive.

I’m long past wanting to just survive.

Some Thoughts:

1. Balance does not appear overnight. I’m trying to isolate the number of days in a week I focus on football. That means moving the wire to Mondays and making it a reflective piece. It lacks a certain alliteration but if I am going to do it then I need to do it on a day where I am still at least casually thinking about the game. Maybe I don’t do it at all…
2. My love of the game is fading. Part of it is because I know how much the Lady dislikes it, so that reduces the joy I take in it. Part of it is because it is becoming all-consuming. Balance in all things.
3. Yet I am still talking about it…
4.  

If I’m honest with myself I want to get this done now because I don’t want to deal with it later. My longest teaching day is also my worst. It begins with a deeply disinterested 7AM class that would rather stare at me and react with disgust when asked to respond than actually take the mental energy to learn something. Then I get a break to have office hours. By 10 AM I am back in the saddle with a late start class. Late start is a situation generally reserved for students who enrolled at the last minute or had other issues. The population can be riddled with problems. This is a class that started two weeks after the semester began. Problems galore.

I need the second office hour after this one to get right and ready for the 3rd class, which is also a late start but not as late or problematic. The day generally ends well with this bunch. Better engagement and I’ve already had a week to prepare and prototype the lesson. It feels more and more like I am getting near to the end of it as I get to the end of that class. I’ll have a pair more the next day and a ton of online work, but the 10 AM is the hump.

All in all, I’m quite burned out. I came into the semester out of breath and haven’t caught my breath yet. It doesn’t help that I am fed up with things outside of the work life. Grown kid stuff, health issues, writing issues… the list goes on.

I’m a married man again. Happily so. They (whomever they are) say third times the charm, but I got it in two. I certainly didn’t get it in one. I think I knew that from start. I remember sitting with a friend of mine prior to the wedding and she telling me she didn’t think I wanted to do this. I acted like she was crazy, but after all of it–after the best man begging off and all of the drama that followed–I knew deep down that this wasn’t the best thing for me but merely the right thing at the right time.

I won’t say that I didn’t get anything out of being married the first time. I got three great boys. For a while I got to have great parents (in-law).However, none of that was about me growing as a human. In fact, it was the opposite. The one thing I learned in the nearly decade and a half I was married is that a person can whither even while they look like they are thriving. A person can wither from the inside while doing everything possible to look the part of the happy human on the outside. I knew this, at least in part, from my wok as a counselor. I should’ve been able to put the pieces together for myself. I didn’t. I hid behind activity and urgency, diving into the lives of these boys with fury. I became the coach as much as the dad. I became the top worker. I was all of those things on the outside shell, and hollowed out within. I had nothing to nourish me.

So then I suppose I learned two lessons. The second, more powerful one is this: You have to be nourished from the inside. The human soul, whatever you conceive of that to be, needs to be nourished. Mind, Body, and Soul gets the order entirely wrong. Soul ought to be at the forefront, because where the Chakras lay is how the mind and body must stay.

Over the past decade I’ve come to realize that true soul nourishment means finding that person who is entwined with your soul. This is the concept of a soul-mate. To me that means one that is your ride or die–the person that gets you and you get. The person you want to get up in the morning for. The person who ignites the desire to protect the body and the mind. I found that and I am blessed by her. Everyone needs a Lady Talis, but very few are fortunate enough to find that counterbalance in their life.

Found mine. Not letting go.

There is a particular type of person who sees the change needed in their life and makes those changes immediately. They slam on the breaks, turn the car around and drive hard and fast in the other direction. I’m not that person. I slow down. I make minor corrections. When the cliff arrives, I wonder why I am still going over it. I am too old to make the changes I should’ve made thirty years ago.

I remember when I was in college and trying to put on weight for football. It wasn’t like it is now. I was a walk on without all of the fancy meal plans the other kids who were full scholarship were entitled to. That excuse empowered me to work less. I wound up falling off the team like falling off that cliff and it shows. I still talk about being a walk on in spite of never really reaching the level of success my kid is experiencing now at the college level. I suppose that makes me all bluster and no work.

I suppose I can say the same about the writing. All this effort being made… is it really effort at all to be someone who has survived in a niche market publishing under a handful of labels and only one (supposedly two) novels to his name? At some point a person needs to accept they’ve failed–to truly recognize what that failure looks like and in that acceptance decide where to go from there as opposed to lying to themselves about where they are. The only way to move forward is to see the road your on and understand if you are the kind of person who can change lanes, or if you expect to creep forward towards your eventual doom.