Author: admin

Before we get into Waiver Wednesday, I wanted to take time to update you all on the youth world and speculate on the pro one. We played the toughest team in the league and we got destroyed. Then we had to play another surprisingly good team and beat them. That led us to a 6-1 record and fairly high playoff seeding. We are headed into a battle with another tough team–one that held the best team to their least amount of points all season, but could not score on them. in other words, we are about to face our toughest offensive challenge yet. I’m excited and nervous and proud of the way the boys have held up. Now I’m readying them for yet another battle without key offensive and defensive contributors. It is a challenge, but one we are prepared to face head on.

In the pro game surprising trades are unfolding. A perennial all star linebacker was shipped off to an already all star defense for 2nd and 3rd round picks. The wheeling and dealing is only getting started. More to come before the deadline later today. The Chiefs are loading up on talent in light of offensive woes. The Giants are standing pat. I don’t know what the Raiders will do as their star player was JUST charged with DUI in relation to a fatal crash. The sports world is shifting beneath our feet. I’m curious to see how it all looks when it settles.

I found myself thinking about Zac Snyder soundtracks and Wonder Woman today, which for me is a reflection that I still want to tell stories if but a little. This lull wil pass. I know that now because I’ve been scripting a plot for the past few seconds in my head of what Wonder Woman III could look like. So, why not share:

I want to approach this from the sidekick perspective. My big picture is thus: Wonder Woman takes on a troubled sidekick brimming with power but raised in the modern world and suffering from the pressures of that world placed on her because she is a young woman. She also brings trouble with her. Wonder Woman, struggling to cope with this new adoptive sidekick, returns to Themiscira with the girl in tow with intentions of training her. That return triggers familial responsibilities and conflicts with wonder woman, who is forced to confront her own leaving and deal with that which she left behind. Torn between the worlds, she tries to help this sidekick find purpose and place. All seems like there will be balance until Astaria reaches out to inform Wonder Woman that the new world she left behind is in trouble as a result of her leaving and the sidekick is at the center of why. She must decide if she is to return and face her destiny or if she will stay in Themiscira and face her responsibility.

Now that is a rough outline. A lot of it delves into the roots of power and identity and especially discusses why heroes are emerging now. I propose in this creating a cycle–one that Astaria and Diana both followed but one established by the old Gods that, with the awakening of heroes like Shazam, etc. has awakened bloodlines of the Gods and opened the world to their descendants. Hopefully this is NOT too close to what is about to happen in the Eternals. Heck, I cannot decide if I even want to see that mess. However, making some sense of why supers are emerging would be a good look for DC and build off of the Synder cut of the justice league in a way that could lead to a JLA movie that would actually be good. It could also make the Darkseid conversation worthwhile again without breaking the ‘Superman is too OP to be in this’ mold because it would inevitably argue for why Supe is not getting involved.

I think I want to write movies. Or at least script universe storylines…

It occurs to me that 6.666 should’ve been today. That would’ve been timely and more sensible. Life isn’t always such, though we often try to storybook these situations that are not storybook situations. My situation is not very storybook. I work hard and try to create a world I am happy to live in. It hasn’t gone entirely my way yet, but I keep trying. Tonight the world feels okay. It feels like the fun of the holiday worked out a little and everyone is getting on just fine. I am happy to be in this life I have if only for a while.

Some Thoughts:

1. Watched 3 seasons of You and discovered midway through season 2 that this man cannot be redeemed. I thought I was wrong right near the end of two but three reminded me that I am not. Three was god awful and I don’t see myself checking in for four.
2. Spent some time by the fire this evening, sitting outside with the partner and the mother in law and chillin. Not a bad evening…
3. Didn’t even watch all that much football. In truth I know the Cowboys are playing right now and I don’t care. I am not about it.
4. I am, however, waiting for confirmation about the youth game…

As symbols go, this is unlikely to happen again. It could be considered a portent or perhaps just a simple coincidence that I am feeling as I am on a blog day such as this. I want to talk about gift culture. Specifically, I want to consider the idea that gift culture isn’t always one thing. In other words, what some people see as gift other see as solution to problem or simply the best possible option.

let’s imagine a romantic bond. Thomas and Kit have know each other for years and, together, they share a connection that is no different than family. They both own homes but Thomas’ situation is such that he cannot sustain the home. Thomas wants to leave. Kit doesn’t want to leave. He has attachments that he must tend to, a work situation that means that leaving will cost him a great deal of money, and doesn’t actually understand where to go or if leaving will help change their lives in a positive direction.

Kit’s solution is to sell his home, pay towards Thomas’ home and take over the bills for Thomas in order to help put Thomas in a situation where staying is not only manageable but there is space for Thomas to find the growth and change he needs.

Kit is scared. Kit knows that he is putting himself at extreme risk. If Thomas decides to terminate the relationship then Kit will be homeless and broke, given that he invested all he had into this new living arrangement. Kit is scared but feels it is a reasonable fear to have and one he knows he can get over. However, Thomas sees Kit’s fear as a red flag and Kit starts to wonder if Thomas even sees his fear as irrational. Thomas wants to view the new arrangement as a gift, but is it? Or is it a solid solution to a problem?

The more I consider the conundrum the more i wonder where to go with this story. It’s a human story with feelings and fears and histories intertwining to create real tension. I just don’t know how it’s supposed to end.

Time to get back to the words. Time to get back to me.

I’ve spent so much time working to figure out how to be what I believe everyone else wants me to be and no time at all thinking about who I am and what I want and what it is I want to do, think, be… I need to figure these things out. I need to get back to the words at least long enough to decide what that relationship is meant to be moving forward. The words is the longest relationship I’ve ever had, so the question becomes now what is that relationship supposed to be in light of where my life is headed?

Better question: Where is my life headed?

I’m looking for both answers. I am looking for a way to truly be honest in my communication and my concerns and fears and my recognition of my own vulnerability. A lot is right with my life. More is wrong. Perhaps far more, and that is why I continue to try and explore and even recognize me so I can recognize how to get to a place where me is at peace and in sync with the world around me.

Perhaps the upside of the end is that it is the end. You can no longer fail the ones around you. No more worries about unrealized potential. No jealousy. No fear. Nothing. But that means no joy. No pleasure. No moments basking in the sun. No instances of being in the arms of a loved one and feeling what you feel reflected in their eyes. No laughter.

the end is always just that—the end.

More and more I’m hearing and reading about people believing the end is a transition to something else or a loop of the life you lived or a reset. We experience time in a linear fashion but is that only because of the skin and flesh we call our bodies. Or perhaps there is no soul and thinking—consciousness—is merely a flavor created when so many things function at once to power the same entity.

I am going to find out in time. Death comes for us all one day. I’m less and less afraid, if only because the days are less and less filled with joy and more with the things that make life unbearable.

I don’t know what awaits me on the other side of the life/death equation. I wonder each day if it is a better or worse situation than each day that I continue to survive

I didn’t win all my league games last week, but I won two out of three. That’s progress. I need more. I want to be able to be competitive come playoffs. I haven’t focused on the fantasy nearly as much as I have in past years. I believe it is because I have real football (albeit youth) going on to occupy my minds pace. It could also be about this thins thread of guilt about caring about such things too much. Either way, I don’t like being a loser, so I gotta at least show up and engage.

The Giants engaged in a solid W this past week, and they did it without many key starters. This is a team that can compete and will compete on Monday night. I’m excited about what my team can be, and I will gleefully watch it all unfold.

Some Thoughts:

1. In regards to Youth Football: The league posted its own set of standings and they are flat out wrong. The worst offense is mistakenly misnaming a team. This discounts that team’s 1 loss and locks them into 2nd place in D1. Unless we outscore them we will be playing them on the road next week. It ought to be a home game for us–the last one of the year.

I think, in a relationship, it is possible for conversation to be hindered the way blood flow is hindered by plaque buildup or stress or high pressure against the artery walls. I feel like I’ve reached this space in my own life. Where some respond to such with therapy or other forms of external connection I respond with the internalization and the buildup of sadness and anger and perhaps even resentment. I grow to regret my words and I eat my words and I eat my feelings and I train myself not to feel things and not to care for other things and all of this adds up in my brain and in my heart and, now, in my blood vessels.

My blood pressure was 154/100 tonight. It is getting worse with every reading and I have every reason to believe it is stress related. I’ve hit a point where the medicine I’ve been using to keep it down is either no longer effective or, worse, is all that is keeping me alive. I feel like A truck running down a highway and swerving hard to the right towards that emergency stop area which, always seems to end at the edge of a cliff. Only i don’t know if I will stop or what will happen at all. What I do know is that there is a deep rooted problem in my being and I don’t have the first clue of how to solve it.

I’m dying faster than I want to. And the problem is only accelerating.

So you keep going in the same way that you keep living. Morning after morning you rise and night after night you fall into sleep until you awaken. The keeping going is what you do because there is nothing else to do. There is no value in stopping, because what would happen if you did stop? What would you do next? What else is there? I don’t have that answer or any really. I don’t know that stopping is the answer or keeping going is the answer. I know that I came to the page tonight because I don’t have anything else to do and because it is habit. It is difficult to make habits and it is harder to break habits.

I have several habits that are tough. I play a lot of video games. I coach my kids. I write. These are habits. These are also part of who I am. but are they part of who I would be and who I want to be? I don’t have that answer presently. I don’t know what is next. I know that the now is insanely uncomfortable and I don’t have any way of getting through it faster or better or differently. I don’t have any idea what do do in order to get through this. I’m just going to try to move forward and try to live each day by day by day. Morning becomes day becomes night and unto the next day.

I don’t know if I am going to write a blog tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I find enough value in continuing. At this point the work of ten minutes is pure habit. It is what I do to remain connected to writing when I spend more time on games than I do on creating. There are reasons for this that stretch far beyond what I am capable of sharing on this blog.

I don’t know that I’m getting a lot out of this nor do I know what, if anything would be better or what comes next.

here’s what I know: my desire to write is outpaced by the the immediacy of gaming rewards and tv shows. They—the games especially—offer a quick distraction that folds into hours of lost time.

writing for the sake of writing only motivates me if I feel like I have a story to tell. I don’t. Not presently. I’m dragging everything up on a flimsy sheet of sticky paper disguised as purpose. Hell, even that doesn’t make any sense. The long and short of it is, I don’t have a mind for focusing on anything that matters so long as I can’t get what matters most right. So I fill the hours with distractions until the distractions become a life.

and here we are.

so maybe it’s best to cut all this out. Go dark. See what lives and grows beyond the light