Author: admin

We are in the midsts of starting a new show. I’m considering going back through Amazon’s Lore on a side note, but that isn’t what is going to fill the space. Barry, from HBO is a real contender being that I liked the actor. The thing is, there aren’t any AMAZING shows happening right now, which leaves me grasping for new material. What happened to Atlanta? There are a few shows that followed that weirdness that worked but none as iconic and powerful. Yeah, I could be writing and not watching, but can’t I do both? I believe I can, thanks.

One thing I’ve been watching and enjoying on my own is Invincible, an animated show about a super hero coming of age. It is pretty good and offers an amazing cast.

Well, that’s the world I’m living in at present and this blog is about done. Just some time for…

Some Thoughts:

1. The youngest ran his first track meet. He got to run varsity and got to run the 100. He is the only kid whose run varsity 100 as a sixth grader. Now, is that a commentary on his abilities or on the actual level of skill of the people around him. He ran a sub 14 100, which is top 25 in the state. So, maybe he’s legit.

While I have not formally voiced this to my son’s youth team, he will not be returning to the team. Instead he will be joining the newly forming feeder team for his high school. We are doing it so he learns the right way. We are doing it because that culture was exposed as being so entirely toxic that I don’t feel like we can return without becoming a part of that toxicity. This is a team that doesn’t shake hands. This is a team that teaches good football fundamentals but doesn’t teach about sportsmanship and losing gracefully the way I hoped.

The grass is not always greener on the other side. I learned that when I moved from one college to another. I take that lesson with me in this. I don’t know that this new situation is going to be any less toxic than the last. I know that I will be more vigilant as a dad in teaching my son what is right and what is wrong. I know that having two other kids involved at the High School level creates a sense of cultural understanding and teaching moments that I can build upon in my role as a father.

No, I don’t know where things stand with me as a coach. My partner and I have yet to have that conversation about commitment.

I know I feel like this is a positive change and there is plenty of room to grow from all of this. I am excited to see what this change brings and the growth that comes out of it.

Manscaping. Man Boxes. Beards.

The definition of manhood–American Manhood, seems to be a shifting scale of kitch, hipster, and varying degrees of toughness. In fact, what toughness is has often vacillated between cage fighters and really well groomed dudes. I think the uber goal of all this is to create an image of men that is both–A Conner McGregor if you will; a man who is immaculately dressed but somehow a true ruffian when required. It seems parallel to the (male) feminine ideal of a perfectly groomed woman who is a closet freak.

When I write men I don’t lean on any of these ideals. I consider thoughtful individuals who are socialized by their various backgrounds and are not in fact aiming to be one thing. My most recent character is a black Londoner who is doused in the punk rock culture and ultimately feels like an outsider who is trying to make his own in-group of which he has no real set boundaries or expectations of behavior other than–do they love the system? If no check here.

But that is not the modern male. I’m supposed to be buying crates and kits and manscaping and investing in $1000 knives and wearing tight jeans (is that still a thing?) and having a very limited and curated appreciation of music. None of this sounds like me to me . None of this sounds like a character with much depth or world appreciation either. It sounds like a new version of the old drone.

I think the deeper issue/question here is about American culture and what is it we are really trying to create or manufacture to be called so-called white culture. Honestly, I think most of the issues in American culture stem from this clear lack of a sustained cultural profile. Black men are defined within American culture as one thing. Every racial group outside of ‘whiteness’ is defined as one thing in American culture and that main thing has not shifted in any useful way since the beginning. On the other hand, nothing has ‘stuck’ for white males and as a result there is this constant need for definition which seems to rely heavily on defining the ‘other’.

What can we do to make a better culture? Fix that stuff right there.

Nothing cohesive today. I’ve been thinking about all kinds of things as I watch spring heat up into summer. I’d like to share…

Some Thoughts:

1. Watched Jordan Klepper’s Trump episode on the daily Show today. Absolutely terrifying how people can openly support a double standard so long as it protects their sense of us v. them and gives them a righteous leg to stand on. More terrifying than that is the amount of power that Tucker Carlson wields from behind that bowtie. People truly believe that man and his statements on air. They don’t stop to reflect that this is not news. This is opinion. He is a person spouting white supremacist propaganda under a nicer name and they, largely, don’t get it. Or maybe they do and like the cover he provides them to do so.
2. Novel looking better. If only I could write it a lot faster.
3. Spent most of the day working on the backyard which is also looking a lot better.
4. I spent a small part of the day looking at the youth scores–much smaller part of the day than ever before. That situation last week killed some part of it for me. I’m looking forward to the boy’s seventh grade season and looking forward to that being the last one. We will try something else in the fall of 8th. Wrestling to be sure but who knows what other school sport he’s gonna take a shot at? This is the best time to learn–before HS starts. By 8th I will have a serious training program ready for the kid and we will go hard… Still need a Jugs machine though.
5. Haven’t started thinking about the next novel. Give me a few weeks and I’ll start turning it over in my head. I have thoughts about the next step for this crew but nothing that constitutes a novel.
6. Speaking of novels, the Expanse is a solid series. On book 3 and super impressed with 1 and 2. 3 lacks the kick, but that is because I don’t truly enjoy the characters in this one–not yet.

The Word of the Day is Bogart (made famous by the actor of the same name and meaning to consume all or bully someone)

Bogart

“Give it back!” Selisha screamed. Even with her chocolate skin the hints of anger flush still showed in her cheeks. Her thin arms strained, looking comical given the frills of the pink dress and matching pink glitter shoes. Her hair was done up in pigtails adorned with hair ties that were, unsurprisingly, pink. In fact the only thing she had to complete the ensemble that wasn’t pink was no longer in her possession. And Selisha very much wanted it back.

“Not a chance.” Said Clay, her older, but apparently less mature, brother. He was braced against the doorframe straining against her surprising strength. In his hands was a light brown teddy bear with a pink bow around its neck. He had the bear by the legs. As she continued to scream he adjusted his grip, finding purchase on the things soft belly. He wasn’t planning to let go.

“You better give it back right now!”

“You better back up before I rip it apart!” She only had hold of the bears head in one hand, the other clinging to an ear the way her mother scolded Clay when he acted up. Except she wouldn’t be scolding him today. She wouldn’t be scolding him ever again.

“No!” Her screams had that frantic edge to them, as if she screamed to keep herself from sobbing. “Give me Mr. Bear!”

But he wouldn’t give it to her. Slowly his power overwhelmed her. In moments he had the bear by the head and worked to pry her fingers away, each moment fed by grunts and whimpers. He shoved her hard and she fell back against the floor. He stood over her then, smirking. He said, “It’s my bear, punk.”

She didn’t respond. She stared up at him, eyes wet but unwilling to release the tears, knowing that if she started she wouldn’t stop and there was no one left to stop her, not anymore. She wiped at her eyes, watching him. He continued to smile, taking a step back and then another. Finally he turned and ran off deeper into the house.

It was fine. She didn’t need the bear. She had to not need the bear anymore. She had to not need a lot of things anymore. Selisha climbed to her feet and brushed at her dress, hoping she could smooth out the wrinkles. She needed to go to school soon and she wanted to look her best.

Long day of yard work which led to my back feeling like it belongs to a much older man. I can fight through that, but only for a little while. In the end I wind up in bed with a heat pack on it for more hours than I am truly prepared for. My firstborn needs to start driving and take some of that pressure off of me. It is going to happen in the next few weeks. I intend to force the issue.

Speaking of forcing the issue, I find that I am getting closer to my deadline and spending less time than required on the project. I cannot finish if I don’t work, and I don’t work for nearly long enough. It needs to be far more of a priority than it has been. At the same time some of these chapters are flat out hard to write–it is about making it sound the way I want and feeling lost and disappointed when that doesn’t happen (colloquially known as the writing process).

Well, back to the page… right after I share…

Some Thoughts:

1. Now that the decision has been made to move my son to a different team, it raises the question about whether or not I should coach him this final season. The original plan had been to not to. I trusted the coaching he was getting. This new experience means new coaching, but it is also the same staff he will deal with at the high school level, with a few youth coaches added to the mix. So, the real decision is about what I want my involvement to look like. Deep down? I want to be a part of it. I want to coach. However, I do not know if I should. I had up to this point decided to not coach. So, I should stick to it. At the least I should have a real conversation about it with my partner–get her input. Find out where I truly stand.
2. My mid kid is getting better at the track stuff, though it is not showing in his times. His times are getting worse. I don’t quite get the correlation. Moreover, he’s getting beat by other freshmen (from other schools) which never used to happen. He’s slipped to 11th overall in his age group, which is not where he wants to be.

As the youth football season winds down I find myself watching and reflecting on the entire amped up concept of youth sports. I am largely over the concept of a Tier 1 youth team. I am over it because of what went down this last weekend. There was a game I attended that was so deeply toxic that it changed the trajectory of my son’s youth involvement. What’s more is that it wasn’t just me as a father instigating a change. Deep into the 3rd quarter he turned to me and said, “Dad, I cannot play for that team anymore.”

He was right to say what he said. The level of toxicity I saw was astounding. I remember talking to the coaches on our sideline and saying, “I coach with those guys over there. When I’m on that sideline it doesn’t seem as bad as it is now.” To which my friends and coaches responded, “It is that bad. You don’t see it because you are there. You become part of it.”

Here is what happened: My mid kid was playing a 13u game. He’s officially a high schooler, because he skipped a grade. He’s not a large kid. He’s not one of those terrifying lineman types or anything even like that. He is just a fast and skinny kid who, by the way, used to play for the team we were facing. So, when that team’s coach started complaining that he could not play because he was a high schooler and he has 7th graders on his team it made no sense. In fact he’d played with those same kids. He was literally a part of that same exact group of kids. Furthermore, there are kids on that team who are both older and bigger than he is. This conflict set off the afternoon. It got worse from there. He demanded to know who else on the squad was in high school, knowing that my kid was not trying to be illegal but trying to play a few games with the kids he grew up with and played with from age 6. That should be okay. He made sure it wasn’t.

Soon it became clear that the refs were also turned off by this event, quickly turning their ire towards our squad. I watched an opposing player throw a punch at one of our kids and no flag was given. Yet the next play our players were flagged for talking back to the opposing team. This continued throughout the afternoon until finally, once the game ended, the opposing squads HC, a personal friend of mine, refused to shake hands with the coaches or players.

That is a bridge too far for me.

Your job out there as a youth coach is to teach kids how to play the game and that includes sportsmanship. If you cannot be a big enough man to shake hands–even after you feel you were somehow wronged–then you are showing the kids it is okay to behave like that. They take their lead from you and they did exactly that, showing next to know sportsmanship.

So we are out.

We had a really good thing going but now we are stepping back. The kid is going to spend his time learning the style and playbook of his chosen HS team playing for that HS youth team. It is not the level of competition that is going to push him to his max, but it is going to teach him the skills and fundamentals he needs to be a part of that program. Also, he gets a chance to embed with the kids he will be playing with at the High School level, which could be the highest level he plays at or could be the most important jump off point towards his future. I believe this is the right choice and this is the proper path to a solid future. I’m disheartened that it happened this way.

Some Thoughts:

1. Draft edition next week. I’ll hit you with my predictions.

I made it all the way to bed before I realized I had yet to blog. Call it a fatigue inducing combination of grinding out chapters and doing very rough yard work. My mind isn’t thanking me tonight and my back won’t be thanking me tomorrow. Why should they? I’m entirely spent. Then again I often wonder if arriving at the end of the day spent is not the secret to healthy living. We ought to be living full lives and full days. The ones like this feel as such.

So, as a result, I find myself blogging on my phone at the end of the night, tired and content starved. what’s weirder is that the internet isn’t offering me much by way of distraction. The Chauvin verdict came in and now I’m waiting for the other show to drop, but short of the big story there is little out there to hold my attention—less from the sporting world, save what happened this week.

that’s my one teaser.

so as I lay here wool gathering and preparing to descend Into what I expect to be unpleasant dreams I can’t help but thinking How full the day was and if tomorrow might be the same way

I’ve been trying to spend less time on CNN. I was on there today and saw a video (here) that messed me up. It wasn’t that the portrayal of police stops between white and black drivers was so different–that male and female stops were so different. It is just the growing mentality of how black men are learning to approach being detained or even approached by the police. The expectation has become that if we get pulled over we are going to need to run for our lives or we are more than likely going to die. Honestly, it wasn’t as bad as a kid. I was always led to believe that if pulled over I would likely go to jail. Didn’t matter if I didn’t do anything wrong. I was a threat and I would be handled. I didn’t grow up assuming if I complied I would still get shot.

Here’s the thing: In the video the police stop wasn’t bad at all. They pulled him over and approached thinking that he had a felony arrest warrant out for him and still the interaction wasn’t rough. He was not assaulted, the officer was extremely nice to him under the circumstances and displayed a confidence that I admire. At the same time, she had the wrong dude. They need to fix that. They had an issue with someone else using his name, but they need to fix that.

They–WE–also need to fix the main issue, which is the perception of race. Black men are still inherently viewed as scary and that is a problem wrapped in a falsehood. Black men are no more inclined to violence than anyone else. In fact I am more terrified of a fully kitted up dude with an America First hat than I am of the average black teen looking like a gangster. The black kid more often than not knows how to act and doesn’t want to set it off. The dude with his gun out generally does.

The idea of fear and violence changes slowly. We are still clinging to 1980’s perceptions of black men that themselves were born of much older stereotypes. Progress is needed. To me, a recognition of the need for that progress and the underlying understanding of where these stereotypes come from and how they play out in daily society is exactly what it means to be woke. That crap you see on Fox News is exactly what it means to stay asleep and want to stay asleep and forget the last 100 years of growth.

I know now that I need to build a more useful routine into my life and the lives of my family. My family spends the majority of our lives in front of screens. While some of it is work-related, much of it is leisure. We game and we watch a lot. In fact, there is a Mr. Nightmare playing as I do this blog. Here is the thing though: It has become so common to be living through a screen that I struggle in the spaces where I don’t have one. I play games on my phone as a way to interact and rarely go a few hours without tuning in–short of sleep.

So, I am advocating a period of detox. At the very least a few hours out in the world walking around and appreciating the reality we do live in vs. the digital one we crave. This is a suggestion and not step by step instructions on how to get free of the screens. I am acknowledging my personal need to do so. I think I will try to read a book in the sunlight–though this is no less an escape than the digital.

Some Thoughts:

1. Here’s a weird truth: I cannot spell the word rhythm without the help of spellcheck. What is worse is that when I spell it as above, spellcheckers refuse to help. Some words just be like that for me