Uncategorized

Naomi Osaka is kind of a hero. She’s been upfront and open about her mental health issues and the role that fans play in that. She’s been completely real while under attack from fans and the media alike. She’s done remarkably well speaking out for herself and those like her in a solo sport, and for that I thank her. The key here, however, is solo sport. In a team sport like basketball or football or the myriad other sports in which you need your people there and working together day in and day out, mental health issues can be a liability. The same way it sucks to have a player go down with injury only to worry they may no longer be reliable and become injury prone, you can look at mental health issues in the same vein. I say this to argue that teams need to think about this when they sign a player.

I think they do think about it. I think they consider it and immediately, in most cases, dismiss mental issues as being not relevant to what the players are being asked to do. I think that is a huge mistake, because the mental rigors of professional athletics and the media and fan assault are enough to break a mentally healthy person let alone someone who is sick. When they are sick and they break we go after them harder, and that is what sucks the worst.

I was in the gym before 7AM trying, with my partner, to get back in shape. fifteen hours later I’m worn out and ready to rest. Old, I am. More importantly I am trying to get right on all levels. Tomorrow is a serious work day where I expect to make solid gains on school-related work and get some work in on my new writing project. I need to be developing a writing schedule about now and making space for the new novel. It is long past time to get back to being a serious writer and devoting the proper energy to my craft.

Some Thoughts:

1. Watched the Warriors overcome the refs again. The sheer number of fouls Doncic draws is borderline illegal. Seriously. You see the guy make a move and get a call and you see a Warrior make the same move and no foul. Sup with that? The man even drew an offensive foul for getting dunked on!
2. Yankees are winning games again. Mets… who knows?
3. Look into the Reedy Creek situation and you learn rather quickly that this is a blueprint for corporate extraterritoriality. This worked but I’m not sure it can be unraveled as easily as Florida seems to think. It does not feel like they will get out without paying a lot of money…

As I plunge into the summer semester I am locked in on the thought that I need to be better organized, prioritized, and actualized. In short, I need to have my stuff together. I don’t, presently. I have yet to even formulate a list of the things I need to do. It will be long and cumbersome, but it will get done. Add to that list designing a training program for my kid, so he has steps to get to where he wants to be. I’ve started that a bit by studying his footwork to see where he has holes in his abilities. That is for another post–wednesday perhaps.

Today is about the idea of organization and schedule and how a life springs from that and namely how my life generally springs from needing something to do and in absence of a project (and in general) I lean towards games as a thing to do and TV as the other main thing to do. I’ve built up a library of shows to watch yet lack the desire to sit through them. This is a good sign. It shows me I am trying to develop a life that is more centered in my relationship than about the solitary things I generally lean on. Still, I’m left doing little in the middle of the day because I cannot figure out–we cannot figure out what works for us.

I digress. Truly. The source of this particular blog is the first steps. The source of this blog is the failure of planning and figuring how to better align myself to plan. I need it. I need routine and purpose and flow. I’m getting too long in the tooth to lack such things.

Some Thoughts:

1. Veretasium is the Youtube GOAT of science right now. With respect to my fellow H.S. Alumni Dr. DeGrasse-Tyson (yes, humble flexing) this dude has it locked in.
2. I need to do MORE in my classes. I need to be better in the space be it virtual or F2F.

I started playing Apex Legends again–the perfect summer distraction to a very hot daily routine. I’m having fun but it doesn’t fulfill me. I might be too old and too much in the mindset of figuring out what does fulfill my partner and I collaboratively. I don’t have answers for that yet. Try as we might we haven’t found the secret sauce to living a purpose-filled life. Sadly, we (or at least I) are running out of time. At least we are not running out of summer.

The plan in place is to spend a ton of time just the two of us. it will be the longest we’ve been away from our kids EVER. This is a positive thing in part and a scary thing in part. I suspect with the youngest it will irrevocably distance he and I. I’ve accepted this entirely, as I already see the distance forming between us. He just turned 13 and this might be the push of independence the kid absolutely needs.

What I need is a better climate, a place to write, and a swath of time to truly explore my relationship and myself. I need to get healthy and, if I am truly reflecting, I need to do that more than anything. Mortality stays on my mind because I am not in the best shape or the best headspace and the summer reset is a chance to fix a great deal of this.

I had to shave for pictures. I had to worry about my ex-wife’s family being openly mean to me in a public place. I had to step back and think about how I’d spent the last 17 years and who I was as a parent over that stretch. All of these things were reflected in an evening that belonged to my first born. He graduated tonight; the culmination of 12 years of schooling (plus Kinder of course). I am insanely proud of what he’s accomplished and how much a hard worker he’s become. I feel like he’s on his way to being a really good man.

I am also bone tired. It is a lot to get through these events. So now I need rest.

Some Thoughts:

1. As I write this I find my mind straying to the tragedy in Buffalo and moreover to how it feels like I’ve become more or less numb to such things. These tragedies aren’t expected but when they happen there is little surprise and even less national interest. I find more articles about the Depp-Heard trial than the shooting, and that is a sad truth of this nation.

The best way to get through a thing is to get through it. You put one foot forward and then the next and you keep moving. I’m trying to do that today. I am trying to see what I can get done and how productive and impactful I can be as a human, because I’ve been a mess for a while now. It used to be that I was a grindGod. Once upon a time I dropped 20+ clean pages a day. Now I struggle to grade a basic assignment and haven’t updated some classes significantly at all. This is a fierce counterpoint to who I was, and further evidence of my long dark spiral. So, as I say always forward, I’ve been moonwalking for quite some time. I need to get it in gear.

There are obstacles. I’m not in the best headspace. The personal life is a hot mess. The kids are a hot mess. I’m a video game addict (without a doubt), the finances are a mess (lukewarm and getting hotter). Everything feels like a wreck and everyone around me feels like that ‘This is Fine Meme”

Doing something about that is paramount, but I cannot figure out a good move here. What I am doing is trying to do everything I can do within my own power. That means write the new project. Outline the novel. Prep the classes. Examine options for making more money. Hunt for outside work–either writing or teaching. All of it adds up to action and action ought to keep me from falling deeper into darkness.

Two days out from my Son’s graduation I’ve spent a lot of money and energy in order to create a satisfying experience for him. It matters. It may be the last one I ever get to do. I’m on the precipice of a great many things–some great and some an utter failure of self. The strangeness of life is that these things tend to bunch up, happening all at once. So where I’d like to be able to purely focus on the joy of the moment my life doesn’t allow for that. I live an existence where I lift my head and experience a momentary joy before plunging back into the darkness that all too often defines my daily existence. The worst part: There is no good way forward and only one realistic way out that benefits anyone.

So, I am left to reflect on what has been really good in this journey I’ve taken with my son. He came a very long way and almost died a few times getting there. Twice he was faced with the dangerous swelling of a tree-nut allergy. However, his closest brush with death was in that car accident where people did die and we, fortunately, escaped with a few scrapes and a scar he bears to this day. My son is a champ. He has come through it all with resilience and a love of life and a desire to help people. He is going to be a law enforcement officer of some variety. His step-mom/my partner and his step sibs all think he reminds them of Winston from New Girl. Here’s hoping he finds his Aly. He already has his Furguson.

Having him in my life has taught me that you can help a kid become who they want to be, but you cannot ever make them into who you want them to be. Furthermore, trying only means you are living through them as a way to excise your own failures. I did that for a while and I learned to get over it. Now it is time he gets to be his own man. Seems to me he has already been doing that.

I hope he reads this one day and learns a little about his dad and where his dad was at in life. Not everything was always good, but I love him and always will.

Just got back from the celebration for the track team. They won state and my mid kid was named most improved runner. A good night. Now for…

Some Thoughts:

1. Here is something I learned: Roaches hate the smell of Lavender, Citrus, and Eucalyptus. I’ve seen articles suggesting additional smells to repel and I am going to look into that. I plan to make use of these smells in order to bug proof the house and surrounding yards. I’m not remotely interested in the nasties I see outside getting inside.
2. Lizards are getting inside though. The cat drags them in and occasionally looses them. I see a new one every week.
3. Patrick Beverly goes hard. This interview shows why TV is about to love this man as a villain.
4. Graduation is two days away. I’m shook at how much I have to get ready for this upcoming party and I don’t know if the kid even cares about it.

This comes from my phone so it likely won’t be as long as a usual ten minute experience. It is Sunday night and I’m thinking about how much needs to happen in the coming week. I have a kid graduating. I’m excited about the event and looking forward to seeing him walk. He’s my first born and his graduation makes me officially old as heck. I’m happy to not be so old that I won’t be able to see what he becomes as a man.

life has me thinking about those things more often. I’m not yet 50 but I feel as though so much as passed my eyes. I’ve lived a lot but at the same time I have barely done anything at all. There is so much left to do and so many opportunities still to be had. I’m excited for what is to come in the next chapter. Still two more kids but maybe this chapter isn’t about being their every day. Maybe there is another way that works.

some thoughts:

1. Seems odd to transition into a conversation about basketball, but I can’t help but reflect on how badly the Suns looked. I wonder if this is the moment they decide to blow that team up. I’m sure the Lakers would be happy if they did…

Earlier today I finished a proposal for a book I’ve been pining to write for YEARS. The proposal was utter trash. The fact is I haven’t been writing enough over the past few months to be revved up to write well. I missed on it and now I have to live with that. However, I don’t want to spend my time talking about that. I want to focus on the Shooting in Buffalo where an 18 year old white-male wearing military gear stormed a supermarket and shot 13 people. 10 died. Later we can get into the specifics of the news coverage of the incident (I’m using the APnews link here). Suffice to say that Fox News focused on the retired cop who was killed defending the people. CNN focused on how far the kid drove to get there. Everyone was clear about the white on black nature of the violence, though not everyone dared to call it a hate crime. I want to call it what it is: Another Lone Gunman.

Except he was not entirely alone. He livestreamed the entire damn thing to twitch.

We have a problem in our world with filtered information that breeds hate. Humans are tribal by nature and given the hyper-media world we live in it is easy to be incensed and driven to violence. It is just as easy to ‘kit up’ and go do what you think is going to make you feel better or make you feel like a hero. Moreover we don’t have the political will to shut down people –especially those who may be viewed as our voting base– who would perpetuate this violent ideology.

I think if every black person in America decided to ‘kit up’ the way the media acts like we already do (because aren’t people buying guns to stop the threat that they largely televise and identify as black?) we would not only have a massive change in gun law, but we would see a lot more serious violent clashes openly in the streets. I hope we are not headed towards that. As a fiction writer it isn’t too hard to imagine a future where we just might be.