This is one of those dark days. I think we have all had them. This one feels particularly bad because there is both a physical and mental component to it that has me feeling quite unstable.
I’ve been hard at work on the 100 push ups a day and today my back gave out on me after the first 25. I knew something was wrong at 13, yet I persisted. As a result I am laid up in bed and unable to do more than sit up. I can hardly do that. I’ve also been feeling quite drained and mentally unprepared as a writer lately, so those two things have coalesced into one and turned my thoughts towards feeling flat out broken.
it becomes a snowball effect if you let it. I struggled in video games and blamed it on the other stuff. My vision feels blurry after all the watching and gaming that resulted from being laid up and now it all feels like one big Bad thing.
this is how the brain works. We build these causal relationships to make sense of the world I. Front of us, though there may be no relationship whatsoever. It is a form of mania to feel the universe is out to get you… even if it is.
alas, the truth of the matter is likely that I am extremely stressed out by a great number of things and as a result I have been unable to write effectively. The physical stuff likely derived from pushing my 40+ year old body like I am a 22 year old and not properly building up to anything I am trying to achieve. There is likely no relationship between these things save that they are all happening to me at the same time. Hard to have to go through it all at once but not a conspiracy or an end level event.
I’ll get through as I always do.. in time