I believe we all fall into darkness. It is what helps us recognize the light. Lately—today specifically—has been a journey deeper into darkness. A bad day to be sure but the kind of bad day it is very hard to come through on the other side unscathed.
I learned about myself in this. I learned that I still get angry, especially when scared. I learned that I carry a lot of guilt and responsibility when it comes to the feelings of others and whatever it is I believe I’ve caused is amplified and strained down into even more anger within myself.
I learned—perhaps just remembered—that I’m not a good partner. That was a tough one, especially on the heels of understanding that I’m not a particularly good dad. I’m not evil. I don’t try to mess up minds and lives. Yet I feel like I don’t always leave the people who matter most feeling better and happier after encountering me.
now this could just be a bad day. This could also be something larger. This could be me stumbling into a greater realization about myself. It is on this particular day that I am reminded of an old film where the protagonist looks around at the destruction he’s caused and says in realization, “I’m the bad guy?”
well, I suppose I am. I don’t take the feelings of those who matter most into account when I should and the result is constantly catastrophic. Not too many people are good at sticking around when what they are sticking to is a catastrophe. Who’d blame them for leaving. In fact that is part of why it is so easy to wonder if they feel trapped by circumstance.
life has fed me a particularly difficult day at the end of a very long few weeks and I’m left to ponder the fact that I and I alone cooked the meal I’m being fed.
some thoughts:
- in many ways the blog remains my tether to writing right now.