4.422. Reflections on a Sunday Night

Long have I felt that the days and nights of Covid are an opportunity to fall back into family and fall back into the comfort of love and life with a different twist on it. I have expanded my family over the years and I am learning how to adjust to new expectations and ways of doing things. For the most part I am happy. There are some real dark moments, but that is part of every relationship, I suppose. The fact is there is enough light to chase away the darkness and that is all anyone can ever truly ask for.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Fantasy football ought to be interesting this year. At least it ought to be fun.
  2. Youth football should also be interesting. With next year being the last year we have some growing to do yet. Afterwards it is all about HS prep and finding out how to go it without dad at your hip.
  3. I’m looking forward to being in the new office tomorrow. It is going to be the first day where most of the pieces are in place. I’m looking forward to getting back to work and moving forward.
  4. I am starting to get into the flow of this semester. Not bad with it being week 2 as of monday.
  5. Not much else to be said here. Just one of those nights.
  6. Well there is that small bit about the 6th Dragon Ball quest being near the end. One more challenge (in 5 parts!) one more clue. Then we are off for a year. The 7th is a big deal (18th bday, and there are 7 dragon balls…) so we have to step up our game in a major way.

4.421. Work Mode

I am getting back into work mode. This is a huge deal for me, because I need to be in that mode very badly at this point. I am not using my creative energies the way I ought to and I am feeling more and more like a corporate drone pushing contracts around the table in hopes of getting enough money for… what? Exactly.

I want to travel. I want to have time with my love. I want to be happy. I don’t want to feel like I wake up everyday to do pointless work. I want to make a difference in someone’s life in a meaningful and positive way.

Some of this is about perspective and changing the way I look at the work life. It is also a matter of ritual. I need to develop a steady ritual that reflects health and happiness and the life I want to lead.

I am not where (or who) I want to be, and that troubles me. I feel as though the opportunities to be better are before me if I allow myself to grab them.

Some Thoughts:

  1. We are legit moving towards a hyper polarization based on race. This is not going to end well.
  2. Make America Great Again really does sound like a redeemer dog whistle when you listen for it.
  3. Antifa isn’t as big as Fox wants you to think.

4.420.

Terrible day.

Chadwick Boseman passed away and with him a forming legacy of black superhero stardom. My mid kid asked me, “Why are all the black people dying?!” and I had no answer. It is hard to be in this moment and see the possibilities of what could come of this moment and also see that nothing is coming of the moment. Instead we are dealing with the second redemption (or perhaps the 3rd) and what that means is that there is a ton of fear and there are actions creating this terrible backlash.

More and more white men are carrying guns openly and brandishing said weapons and most recently, using them in what they call defense of the police. The Rittenhouse murders are a prime example of this. This teenager drove down to a protest gun in hand and looking for trouble. He found it and killed two and injured a third, He will likely claim self defense and, in this climate, he will likely be elevated to an OJ like status and that scares me. Fox News is already defending him.

Fundraisers are popping up to defend him and the Fightback defense fund is already leading the defense. See, this is a redemption. This is what always happens with us here in America when we are not the dominant race/culture and are backstopped by a history of neglect and abuse being whitewashed as servitude and American ingenuity.

This is a terrible time and Election or no, it is not getting better.

4.419. Reflections on a Thursday Night

I think it is time for me to shave.

while this feels like a small acknowledgement it is actually much larger. The lack of shaving is reflective of living in a world where I am not seen. However, I still need to be representative for those around me. I am stopping short of putting on nice clothes every day, but to take care of my face is the least I could do in order to create a semblance of order and normality.

Our world is anything but normal. I was listening to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and I was struck by how much President Zaphod reminded me of President Trump, including the idea of both being so ludicrous to not actually be believable, yet the people rallying behind the strange charisma each projects.

Trump lacks the intelligence of the literary figure, however he has all of the bullheadedness. What makes Trump powerful is not Trump himself, but the people who he is surrounded by who are willing to do or say whatever in support of him. He has fanatics and they come to him for a variety of reasons. That is going to make this man a dangerous opponent. Joe Biden does not have fanatics or even people who like him that much. He is going to need to show that he is putting incredible people in place around him in order to get elected and break this sad, stupid tyranny that is forcing our nation to implode.

We have teens taking up guns and murdering protestors and being defended for their actions on Foxnews. This nonsense needs to end as quickly as possible. The level of crazy our country is putting forward is making us seem dangerously stupid to other nations and the bold ones (Russia) are taking advantage.

Has anyone thought to ask what kind of president Trump will be when he isn’t running for anything–when there is no reelection or real legacy to consider? Will he even bother to do the job? These are the questions keeping me up at night.

4.418. Waiver Wednesday

The draft!

Here’s a curious fact about me: I don’t have friends. This is not the norm for me but it is becoming the norm for me, and I don’t know that I’ve adapted well to that. This is relevant because of fantasy football. Earlier this week my plumber and I got into a conversation about football and during that conversation he morphed from plumber to friend. He put me in his fantasy league, my 3rd such league, and we exchanged several text messages since.

So, I made a friend. All my friends are somehow connected to football. My family (my appointed brother, estranged not-sister, and the flesh and blood mom) constitutes the rest of my earthly connections beyond the folks that live in my house. In other words, this was a big deal. This also means that I have another league to think about and another opportunity for fantasy dominance.

So, let’s get on with that:

The new league is .5 PPR, which is different than the full point per reception of the other two leagues. Still, all three leagues are based on pass catching, meaning there is a premium on pass catching running backs, given the number of times they will touch the ball, and volume receivers like Landry. Here is my advice for players in PPR leagues. Look for the teams that don’t have a wealth of WR talent. You want them to rely on a guy and build everything else off the run. I watched teams feast on Titan WRs last year, because so much was geared towards the run. Meanwhile teams like the Cardinals who are loaded at the WR spot were stuck spreading it around and reducing PPR.

I have two drafts left (in the span of 2 days unless we change it), and I am targeting those kinds of players in the mid rounds. Next week I will reveal my top choices and my sleeper picks.

Some Thoughts:

  1. In re-reading yesterdays brief and obviously underwhelming post I found myself struck by how much I dislike Captain Marvel. I think I know why: She lacks a flaw. Superman has Lois and Kryptonite. Batman has his desire to be a good guy vigilante and his inspiring need for family and love. Spiderman carries the guilt of Uncle Ben, the need to protect his family, and he’s a kid who is trying to figure stuff out (ultimate coming of age story, which is why grown ass Spiderman stories are junk). Wolverine is a man without access to all of his memories and thus a lost past and a troubled uncertain future. Captain Marvel is just a bad ass with no real connections to anything beyond her own badassness (and maybe Nick Fury).

4.417. Reflections on a Marvel Cycle

So, the new look at Marvel is a world driven by heroines. That doesn’t shake me one way or the other. I care about the gender of the new crop about as much as I care about what beer each hero drinks. I care about which heroes are brought to the front and which are left to be ignored.

So, what do I want? I want Ironheart –The next iteration of Iron Man. I want more Spiderman. I want characters that are actually appealing as opposed to cheap and angry superman knockoffs.

Some Thoughts:

  1. I want sleep.
  2. I didn’t sleep well last night and the words are impacted by this.

4.416. Reflections on a Monday Night

I am whelmed. Robin would be proud. Of course I’ve always attempted to pattern myself after the boy wonder. I don’t much think of myself as a boy anymore (though I will always be 12) but I still fall into the idea of the play and fun and lightheartedness of the moment.

I am whelmed. I had a very hard day today, but it didn’t defeat me. I have a hard day tomorrow and I’m ready to get at it. Moreover, I see room for growth. I took on today without a shred of organization and still got stuff done. Tomorrow won’t be as simple, I suspect. I have a pair of early meetings and a ton of work to follow. On the upside it feels like I have an opportunity to make some home progress, and that is going to be wonderful if it happens.

The if is the downside. While I am making progress in some areas the open acceptance of potential failure is a bad key. I need to live more in the positive space, especially at times where the people around me are deep in the struggle. So, yes, I am whelmed.

I am behind on a few things, but I have it under control. I even feel a desire to move forward with story this week. That is important and that is monumental in terms of change.

Life can be really amazing if you let it. I read an article today predicting how (and perhaps when) the universe will come to a close and it got me thinking about a few things in my own life. This life story has a conclusion and it is, likely, oblivion. In the meanwhile I have a responsibility to myself to enjoy the moments I have left. So, I’m going to do that and do everything I can to not feel so damn guilty about it. So, yeah.

Just for giggles: Robin’s Whelmed Quote..

Some Thoughts:

  1. I had one. Seriously. Then it got away.

4.415. On Happiness and Emptiness and All the point in Between

Watching This is 40 tonight filled me with a strange sense of deja vu. I’ve seen the film before but as I am firmly in my mid forties I feel I’ve lived quite a bit of the conversations that took place throughout. It made me question this crazy roller coaster of a life I live in a time where I’ve already been questioning it and doing my best to endure parts of it. I am overwhelmed, largely due to an inability to slow down and recoup and reorganize. I am doing a lot and I am often left to wonder if there is any real gain to what I am doing or am I just treading water until my arms grow too tired to continue.

To continue the metaphor, I am not going to be rescued. Everything I am doing and needs to be done has to be done by me and quickly. I’m in a position where I am dealing with a lot of financial pressure (kid needs surgery) and paying for a house that is not even live in ready. All the while I am feeling the pressure of trying to build a better life that is centered in my partner and I, while I contend with the truth of her own unhappiness in this life.

So, yeah. Treading water.

I am tired. I am someone who finds immense pleasure in moments and I can still find those moments but I cannot at this point string enough of them together to say I live a happy life. I can say that I feel loved. I feel other things as well, but in the end I know my partner has my back. That’s a change from life before her. If you add in the kids then there are at least a few people who won’t cut me loose at first sign of tension…

And boy am I tense.

4.414. Reflections on a Saturday Night

It’s close to midnight, but nothing evil lurks within the dark. There’s barely moonlight and I can’t think of a to take to heart… Okay bad MJ riff. I am in full burnout this evening. I’ve been working extremely hard this week, and it has me entirely drained. Unfortunately I have much more to do before the week begins and even more as I move through the week itself.

This has been an object lesson in disorganization. When I am organized I get the work done smoothly. When I am not organized it goes very badly. This week has gone very badly.

I’m tired and in need of sleep and reset.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Many many actors are typecast and usually by look or race. It is a strange thing to behold. You get to know the actor by their appearances and after a while that is all they can be to you is that one thing.

4.413. Freewrite Friday

Often in story there is a good guy and a bad guy–white vs. black, if you will. In that classic structure good is supposed to triumph over evil after making a grand sacrifice that forever changes the hero. This is a reminder to us all that the nature of victory is pyrrhic and the nature of the universe arcs towards justice. Yet what is justice? Is Justice good? Is good not what we decide good is? Arianna Edgerton thought just that as she marched herself towards the principals office, nose bloodied. It was moments before the second period bell was to ring and she should have been headed for Mrs. Wellingham’s Social Studies class. Instead her universe arced in the opposite direction, towards Mrs. Wells and certain repercussions.

As Arianna walked she spoke to herself, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw” and again, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw.”

Principal Wells prided herself on an open door policy. Students were free to walk in whenever they wanted, so long as whenever they wanted did not interfere with the classes they were meant to be in at that time or the hurried shift between those classes. Arianna paid this, nor the assistant seated just outside that open door, any mind. She marched determinedly into the large blue walled office, wiping blood from her nose with the back of her hand.

“Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw” Her voice still little more than a whisper.

Mrs. Wells was on the phone. She watched Arianna with curiosity, realized the girl was bleeding, then quickly made an excuse to end the call. “What happened?!”

“Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw” Arianna said.

“I don’t understand.”

Arianna repeated the phrase, slightly louder this time.

“You need to tell me what happened. Ms. River, please bring the nurse!”

Arianna stared at Mrs. Wells, her feet set slightly apart and shoulders square. She said, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw”

Arianna wasn’t big. She hadn’t hit her growth spurt like so many other girls. While they were surging above five feet and some even developing, well, female traits, Arianna remained lithe and short of stature. She was not, however, light of voice. Her words came out in a rush of air and anger, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw!”

“W-what?”

Again the words poured out of Arianna.

“You have to calm down, young lady! You have to tell me what happened.”

Arianna fell silent. She stared at the principal long enough to make it uncomfortable. Through clenched teeth she growled, “”Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw.”

Mrs. Wells trained in college. She knew about trauma. She knew about autism. She wondered if this was either. She said, “You are going to need to tell me what happened, so that I can help.”

“Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw” Then, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw”, and a third time, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw.”

Mrs. Wells drew in a breath, but managed to fight off the sigh that inevitably tried to follow. She held her breath instead and then released, finally letting the air leave her in scattered huffs. Mrs. Wells said, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw?”

Arianna nodded. The nurse arrived then. She squatted down and turned the girl around slowly, examining her nose and then her knuckles which were raw beneath blood that was only partially Arianna’s own. The nurse looked up at the Principal and said, “There was an incident involving your son.”

Mrs. Wells covered her mouth, this time to avoid a gasp. She said, “Did he do this?”

Arianna said, “Jab, step, jab, step, kick, roundhouse, close, throw.”

The nurse squinted as though she were holding back an expression herself, and said “We’ve already called for an ambulance.”

Epezuxis: a literary or rhetorical device that appeals to or invokes the reader’s or listener’s emotions through the repetition of words in quick succession.