Month: September 2020

Now I did not see all of the debate, but I did see enough of the replay to realize that the country is in a heap of trouble. The debate was trash. Worse, it was tragic. At one point Trump asked the Proud Boys to stand by. Later he asked his supporters to go to the polls and observe. How very 1950’s of him to remember that this is how things were done to intimidate black and brown voters.

I am officially shook.

Some Thoughts:

1. The term ‘like a dog in heat’ never actually meant anything to me until now. My dog is out of control now that our female is in heat. Lets also mark the date of September 28th, because that is the day (I believe) they first mated, which means 63 days from then (4.516?) is when we are likely to have puppies. Whoa. That is not long from now. That is also pushing against the xmas season.
2. It is hard to deal with this dog like this. Once that scent takes him he is a mess…
3. Now that I have mentally checked out on returning as a coach it is a hard thing to want to pour energy into improving as a coach of this specific offense/defense. Am I just doing it to prove myself and my skills and knowledge to the other coaches? Am I trying to establish value when I recognize my own value, thus not entirely needing it to be recognized by them? Or am I just trying to fit in?

So, it has not gone that great so far.

Some weeks you come into it feeling like the world is going to open doors for you. Others you feel like the world wants to catch you in an alley and rough you up. This feels like the latter to me. I feel like I don’t understand anything going on in my personal universe and feel that I am not only supposed to but I ought to feel dirty for not being ahead of the game mentally.

I’m not in the mindset of knowing what I want beyond the clearest and most simple of moments. I want to curl up with my partner. I want to watch the Chiefs v. Ravens. I want to get the things done I need to get done. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t have a clue what to eat, so as a result I don’t want to eat. I’m not playing video games because I feel like that is time I should be doing other stuff.

I need to find inner peace. It is not happening and it is causing the life around me to deteriorate because nobody is happy. The results are a function of the process and the process is not working.

The terrible nature of this weekend’s scrimmage served as a reminder that I am not pushing my kid to his limit. Not any of them. The players–at this level–who are successful and noted as top talents are training all the time. My kids game and chill and are, well, children. I don’t feel bad about that in the least, but I also make space in my psyche for the possibility that I can be doing more. Or at least I can put them in a position to do more. Or at least do better in what they do.

As I lean into the new week I feel… whelmed. I have a tremendous amount to get done as usual, but once again I feel capable of handling my business. I am also looking forward to doing the Monday morning meditation where I get to plan for the week.

In the end I see a lot of promise coming. I feel positioned to do well and make things happen and to shape my priorities in a fashion that gives me more time to enjoy time with my love and live more of the life that we are aspiring to. What I am struggling with is new ideas. I lack a particular level of romance. I feel out of new ideas and am troubled by how content I am just to spend time with my partner. It doesn’t matter what we do, but it does. I am not entirely used to being boring yet that is exactly what I have become.

This could be a function of the energy spent on work and on stupid people (also a function of work). This could also be a function of trying to kickstart my own writer’s creativity and generally failing to do so (again, a function of work). One thing about this week: I will spend more time cultivating my romantic energies.

So, that is where I am in preparation for this coming week. It is just a week, but is a week where I feel like I have a chance to be a better version of myself.

The hardest thing to accept as a parent is that your kid is not good at something they’ve worked really hard to be good at. I’m dealing with that with two of these boys and with the reality that the ability to be ‘good’ is either entirely within their means or it isn’t.

I am talking about football. All three play, but the eldest is injured and not returning to sports until next year–his senior season. The freshman is only 13 and is playing with older kids as he has his entire life. The problem is they are all hitting the 14/15 growth spurt and he, while nicely sized for 13, is small for 14/15 as most freshman are. This has led to him working so hard that he developed Pes Anserine bursitis and is aggravating the situation by trying to keep up while injured. The result is that he isn’t playing in the season opener and needs significant time off for recovery.

The little guy isn’t so little but is lacking an aggressive running style that the RB coach and Head coach for the team so desire. As a result he is playing less and less and he is also playing timid and confused about not being used the way he wants. He has it in his power to be better. He just needs to reach down deep and get there. I’ll do what I can to help him develop those mental skills he needs to get to the next level.

Meanwhile, I am a personal mess. I am suffering from allergies and dehydration and need to do a better job of taking care of myself, because right now the only one taking care of me is my partner and I am supposed to be taking care of her as her partner.

Translucent

He says, “It is only when you focus on the breath that the chaos is silenced.”

I crack one eye open, drawing in quick blips of the room around me. The other ladies are silent and focused. Their eyes are closed, muted to the way his gaze lingers on their near naked bodies; bottoms covered in fabric that expose every flaw and tops nothing but what legally musn’t be exposed. I cannot judge. I am the same. My flaws are laid bare in the curves and bunches of my lululemon gym leggings. They are the diamond textured pair that promise anti-cellulite technology for the low price of $128 dollars. The woman who modeled these is larger than me and that makes me feel better about the way I fit into them. Still, her hair was amazing. A rich textured set of curls only possible for someone with her racial makeup. Not mine. I have frizzy curls that were never popularized, unless you consider that angry Princess Merida popular. I mean, does anyone know she is a princess?

“Breathe.” He’s looking at me now. I shut my one eye quickly, but I can still feel his eyes lasering across my skin like a spotlight. I have good skin, at least. I have that one thing going for me. That and the hint of dimples when I smile real big, but I don’t smile that big that often, because I don’t have a whole lot to smile about. Who does anymore? The world is rotten. People are rotten. Our president is rotten and people follow him and look to him like the way to be when the way to be is to be a good fucking person and he is absolutely not–

“Breathe.” He’s touching me. His hand is on my shoulder. Just three fingers. I can feel them against my skin and my skin feels translucent, like he can see right into me and know what I am thinking about him, about them, and about everything.

“Breathe.” He makes the sound. It is a gust of air moving from the world to deep inside his lungs and then, with a a whoosh, back out again. I try. I squeeze my eyes tighter. I inhale. I exhale.

I inhale.

I exhale.

I wonder what I will eat after class.

I inhale.

I wonder what that sound is beneath everything. Is it the AC? The hum of traffic far away?

I exhale.

I inhale.

I wonder….

I exhale.

I inhale.

While I really want to skip directly to some thoughts (and you can feel free to do so yourselves), I gotta hit these picks. Okay, remember, 21-11. At this point I should be a betting man… and I should bet against the Giants. Maybe they will win that way…

Jags over MIA
MIA is really a good acronym for this team, because the skills are missing in action. Still, this game will be fun to watch. Battle of the facial hairstyles?

Steelers over Texans
Why do we always make it about the QBs? I don’t think it necessarily is about the QB but I too default to that in spite of myself once being a WR and the kids also being WR/RBs. I guess the dominant ideology wins here. Oh, and the Steelers D.

Bengals over Eagles
‘Bout to ride that Burrow Train. Even if I am wrong about the outcome this man will throw the ball a ton.

Giants over Niners
Sorry, can’t go against my blue even when I know better.

Patriots over Raiders
This is a playoff team. Well, they both are, but I still believe the Patriot way will win out in the end.

Titans over Vikings
Browns over WAS
Rams over Bills

Bears over Falcons
Here is what I think: The Falcons will get ahead in points early and then, expectedly, collapse.

Chargers over Panthers
Big WR numbers coming this week for Anderson.

Colts over Jets
As I bet on blue I bet against Green.

Seahawks over Cowboys
They are not the Falcons.

Bucs over Broncos
Cardinals over Lions

Packers over Saints
The tough part about this pick is recognizing that I don’t actually have a stance. It is a coin flip, because both teams are relatively even in talent and diversity of scheme. The issue for me is momentum. The Pack is rolling at 2-0 and that is likely the confidence factor that will make the difference.

Ravens over Chiefs
I’m really excited for this one. Let the bodies hit the floor. I don’t know that the Chiefs can run on the Ravens, and despite what Mahomes is capable of, that offense stems off the run.

Some Thoughts:

1. If I am being honest with myself (which I try more and more to be these days), I did not get anything done yesterday. Even this blog was a rambling mess of a thing I cannot say I fully appreciate or respect. I gotta get back to the core of what it means to grind.
2. Recently my partner was listening to podcasts about blogging and mentioned that she saw what I was doing–which indicated to me that there was some type of research on my end that went into developing this blog or some general understanding of what works and what doesn’t. For the record: Nope. I fly this ship blind, folks. I am doing what feels right to me and saying whatever I want (or need) to put into the universe. More of that coming soon…

The fantasy world is going crazy, because most of the #1 picks are injured! Yeah it is going to be that kind of season. Football–at that level–is not a pick up game. You have to acclimate and these athletes didn’t get that opportunity. We see the results. Barkley, CMC, Thomas, Garoppolo, The entire superstar set of the Niner’s defense. All of these stars are wrecked and I expect more carnage in week three.

My picks are in a sort of carnage. Let me start by saying one of my leagues is so janky that Burrow scored 73 fantasy points last week. 73! That is madness. So, I am starting Burrow this week and perhaps from here on out. If he is going to go crazy like that then I’m all for the feast.

11-5 last week means I am 21-11 overall. That does not suck. I do still pick the crazy ones though. In my defense, the Giants would have one with Barkley and the Cowboys… I seriously turned it off with a little over 2 left and said there was no way they scored 9 in 2. Way. Absolutely a way. The Falcons are a collapse waiting to happen. Never again. Well, maybe. Especially if they play the Jets. The Jets are awful and Sam Darnold is not the hero NY wanted. Full stop.

Actually, really full stop. Jeez… I burned my ten without making picks. Okay. Tomorrow then.

I’m getting close to the end of the coaching spectrum. I felt it tonight at practice. I’ve been at it too long to feel like I need to feel relevant and I had moments throughout where I felt exactly that way, and I don’t believe I am there for that. I am there because I have something to offer. However, if I don’t I need to move right on and into a life where there is less going on. So, this coaching thing may be over sooner than expected.

A life where there is less going on is the goal. It is the path and the way, but it is also like removing layers of clothing; layers of an entire life peeled away until there is the bare skin and a new beginning. I believe in this path and this way and I am working to get there.

I am working towards a great many ends and one singular new beginning. The more I consider this, the more I am curious and excited about that end goal. At the same time it dims the daily reality because the journey is meant to matter and the journey is so hard and also so filled with loss and change and fighting and sadness and the questions of how to sustain a new life in a way that allows me and my partner to live how we wish.

I am trying to grow and a part of that is shedding old skin, old habits, old desires, and old goals. The future is unwritten, so my partner and I need to start writing it together.

It started with the water dispenser. I thought I would be fine just changing out the filter and with that making the water taste right. Not so much. Whatever bacteria made its way into the line is still there and still pumping nastiness into my water and into my life. So, I am killing the world buying 32 water bottles for every weekend day, because I have three boys who drink water like it is the first time they’ve discovered the pleasure of cold liquid. This is not sustainable. So, tomorrow I am calling the shop to see if I can get somebody out here to fix this dang thing.

Oh, I tried to do it myself. I consider myself a smart guy and the level of work and complexity of just cleaning the line was too much for me. I’m going to shell out the non-existent cash to attempt to fix the problem. Do I feel bad about it? Not entirely. At this point it is a matter of deciding what problems I can deal with and what problems I need to shove off to other people. This is one of those home problems I can have someone else deal with.

I have enough on my plate as it is.

I’m tired and worn down from the action and stress of moving so I’m going to just chill and talk football tonight.

Let’s start with Saquon Barkley. Likely torn ACL and done for the season. Dammed if Madden didn’t call that one too. Here is the thing: this sucks but it gives Jones a chance (again) to step up and be the guy who becomes that big time qb. It also forces the G-men into a position where they know they need to get help at all levels. This is a slow build but we gotta get moving faster. Fans like me want to see an above 500 team. Then current over under for the G-men is two wins.

The Niners saw three starters go down with leg injuries. Two ACL tears and a high ankle sprain. The sprain is the QB and he may come back. The rest is the defense and there is no coming back from losing two starting linemen.

On the fantasy side of things I chose wrong across all three leagues. I lost in two of them. That makes me a combined 1-5 on the season. Yikes. I need to get my mind wrapped around this season because it isn’t going well already.

Some Thoughts:

1. First phone blog in a while and man are my fingers fat.
2. The youth football continuum is getting more interesting because it feels like there are more teams than originally assumed. They just keep coming out the woodwork at that 11u level. In spite of all that I feel as though we have a team that should be in the championship.