Month: September 2020

Spent a good chunk of the day moving out of my old house. The experience was difficult. I didn’t realize that there would be a strong emotional component to the move. I didn’t realize I would be sad and I would feel like a part of my life was ending. I’ve moved five times in the seventeen odd years I’ve been in Arizona. I moved here with family and then bought my first home. Shortly after we were sucked into the vortex of McMansions and bought a home in a growing suburb. The crash hit and we got crushed. We wound up out of that home and rented another in the same suburb. That lasted a few years until we could buy again.

In a sense, each of my boys was born to a different home. The youngest was born to this home over a decade ago and now I am moving into what I expect will be my final space in this state. I’m not long from retirement and hopefully I will have amassed enough retirement to be able to leave here and do something really good like travel with my partner for the rest of our lives, using a central (small) home as a base as we explore what this beautiful planet has to offer.

This move was difficult because so much living and growing happened in that house. So much pain unfolded there. So much love unfolded there. I have many stories to tell about that house–so many that I don’t know that I will be able to drive by in the future and accept another family carving memories into those walls.

At the same time here I am at a new beginning and in a relationship with the woman I will spend my life with. This is a sort of crossroads. This is the end of one thing and a new beginning of another. I am excited for what this blended future can bring.

Delve

Marcus doesn’t know what he wanted to be when he cleared 12th grade. To him playing basketball with the guys and spending time jacked into the matrix is life. What more can there be? He is jacked in right now, waiting outside the virtual office space that belongs to his guidance counselor. He’s seen her once in the meat world. It was one fo the 16 days he went to face to face school. Living in the towers gave him a pass for getting to school ever since the Backyard Boys started the gang war that already resulted in 11 dead Lonestar cops and 48 dead kids. Any boy under the age of 25 on the streets was bound to get shook down leaving the complex. He didn’t bother trying. Instead Marcus took that as a sign that he was better off navigating the world in virtual space. It offered more than meat and even AR.

Amanda Hixon was the fourth guidance counselor Ginsburg High had recruited since he started High School three years ago. The first one died. He didn’t even know what happened to the second. Word was the guy picked up a contract from a local corp and left that day. Marcus heard the guy never cleaned out the office, leaving everything. Hixon came along soon after and she felt different. He didn’t know anything more than that. They’d never met. Of course, that never stopped him from doing the deep dive before. He called the work delving. He even coined the hacker tag High Delver. He found that word in the dictionary back in the elementary school days when he would do quick web searches on whatever he could in order to pass the time he was locked up in his house and him momma wouldn’t let him out. Back in the times before Mr. Ralph started coming around.

Delving was an art form. Anyone can look a person up, but a delve is a deep dive. He followed the threads that came off the threads, looking for the stuff that didn’t feel like what everyone else’s profile looked like. He knew many professionals had profile curators–people who checked their online patterns and erased evidence of activity that prospective employers might frown at. In fact he’d thought about doing that sort of work professionally. In fact, that is what brought him to the counselor today.

I’m starting that slow descent into heavy writing. I spent most of my driving time today ears deep in Paul Tremblay short stories and I kept thinking about the things I am trying to write and the idea of taking different approaches and trying to speak through new and interesting characters. Writing is a journey and a process. I enjoy the end result, but often find strain and stress in the process (story of my life in many ways).

I’m going to experiment a bit starting tomorrow. I am going to play around with character and setting and try to dive deeper into these worlds I write about and learn a thing or two in the process.

Some Thoughts:

1. Enjoyed the coaching tonight. My role is a light touch and that is different and surprisingly enjoyable. Still on the inside but not deep enough that it is a heavy time and energy commitment.
2. Working through the slog of a workload that defines my professional existence. This too shall pass.
3. I’m deeply in love with my partner. I’m also an idiot who says stupid things that ruin everything. It’s a curse. Pretty good with the words on paper. Not so hot straight out the mouth.
4. Football is back. dope.

Take my money.

After week one it feels like I don’t even have a chance to reach the playoffs in any of the three leagues. I took losses and I was at or near the bottom on points in all three leagues. This doesn’t bode well, given how far from the top I showed. In short, I am not good at predicting fantasy all-stars. I’m not entirely bad at predicting wins and losses, though. In spite of a proclivity to always say the Giants will win, I did good this past week. 10-6 overall with a few shockers (Bengals? Washington?). Well, on to it then:

CIN over CLE

TEN over JAX

TB over CAR

PIT over DEN

LA over PHI

SF over NYJ
As I always bet on Blue I always bet against Green. The Jets are broken beyond repair. Start over with a new QB and new system. Stop trying to make USC QB’s legit. The Cards figured that one out.

BUF over MIA
Miami is not good nor will they be for a few years. Nope.

MIN over IND
I don’t exactly trust the MIN D but Indy is working out a lot of kinks.

GB over DET
Did D’andre Swift get his butt whooped in the locker room? I bet he did. I bet it won’t get to that this week because this will be a whole team beating.

ATL over DAL

NYG over CHI
Always bet on Blue.

AZ over WAS
Last week impressed me. Washington was solid and AZ was legit. Still, AZ is the way.

KC over LAC

BAL over HOU

SEA over NE
The Cam Newton Comeback tour continues, but DangeRuss is going to have more weapons and more time in the pocket to deliver the ball to those weapons. I fear for Cam this week, and hopefully he lives.

NO over LV

I’ve been in a fairly decent work mode as of late. I am getting things done, not letting the myself fall into the hate trap of focusing on negative things, and grinding down the list of things to do. It is a mundane existence whose reward is, apparently, more of a mundane existence. This is not to say I am not enjoying my daily existence, but to say that it is merely a rehearsed and rehashed existence presently devoid of any real creativity. I wake up in the morning to curl into my partner and that is the highlight of the day. I return to that same action and highlight most evenings, bookending mediocrity.

I am not being creative as I am meant to be.

So, why is this relevant? I am trying to start fresh and build in routines and habits that foster a more creative and an energized life. As my partner often remarks, ‘what are we doing this for?’ and I have only ever been able to suggest, ‘in order to have the money to one day do something different’. In reality this is the so-called American Dream. I have the home and the kids and the stuff that comes with that. I dabble in the coaching world. I play games whenever possible. Is it enough? Nah. That is why the day to day is bugging me.

When I was just teaching there was the thought that I was doing more for the world in some small way. Just recently a student reached out to me to talk about what it would take for her to become a teacher, and that felt good. It felt like I was doing something. Now I have to slog through what basically amounts to a dry and derivative corporate existence in order to create an experience that approaches what teaching offered me personally. All of it in search of what? A few dollars more, I suppose.

I don’t know what I will do moving forward. I know that I will be focusing on being more creative in my life and getting back to the central thread of being a writer.

I choose to make this Monday a fresh start I am looking at myself, looking at the life I have created, the life I am living, and the life I have yet to live. This reflection allows me the space to realize who I am, who I have been, and who I am creating of myself every day.

There is a great deal in my life that I am thankful for. There is a great deal in my life for which I need to atone. I am facing both situations with regularity. Not a day passes where I am both loved deeply and told, with great emotion, about the problems I have wrought in life. It is hard to hear about yourself with such negativity and such intensity almost every single day. Yet to know that the people who love you most feel free to say these things without retribution is also a good feeling.

I am not a perfect person, or it seems, even a particularly good to other people. I am brash, curt, overly apologetic, overly sensitive, arrogant, and blind to most of the nuance happening around me. From an outside perspective I, more or less, suck at being good to people or even paying attention to people who aren’t directly presenting an obstacle to my daily life. I, by habit or nature, let assholes rent space in my head. This is a problem I’ve battled my entire life with little success short of a few brief years of ignoring the biggest assholes for the lesser forms of assholery or drifting in and out of obsessions as a replacement for the aforementioned behavioral patterns.

This assessment helps me to understand who I am trying to be in this space and time. I intend for that person to be a better version of myself. That means more stable. More dedicated to the people around me. More capable of brushing off the nonsense and noise, see the criticism as growth and not a thousand paper cuts, and able to breathe in life every day with joy .

I am presently on hold with directtv, who have recently locked me out of my account for 24 hrs on the opening day of football and have had me on hold for ten minutes. My guess, it is going to be a long wait. So… It is going to be a long rant.

Our current econo-political system is broken. We talk in broadstrokes about not having monopolies but do everything in our mass marketing power to drive people towards the goal of liking one thing and given total power over that one thing to a single, massive, corporation. Like Jon Oliver, I am done with AT&T. However, like Oliver, I am still stuck dealing with AT&T so long as I choose to like football and live out of market of the teams I want to see play.

Direct TV is owned by AT&T. They hold the only contract on out of market NFL games. That means if you want to see a game that is not going out over a free public channel in your area you gotta go through them.

So, as I struggle with this for the second time in three years (I stopped using it for a year after the first full day game-missing struggle) I am reflecting on how this has really just become the American experience. We are all slaves to the corporation and we gauge and judge our worth based on corporations or what they produce. We value ourselves by things. We estimate American wealth by stocks. We are the worst version of capitalists in that we pretend to value individual capital and instead find ourselves slaves to the larger corps and their wants and needs and we get lost in the machinery of things very quickly.

I am lost in the machinery. I have sent my money off into that dark void and all I am getting back is headaches. I really dislike the system and the corp and the fact that I cannot watch my damn game.

As I sat down to post today I realized that I never published yesterday. I didn’t hit the button twice–a common oversight when rushing through the process. That led me to sit here and think about why I rush. I rush because I try to do too much. I rush because I want to do too much. When I rush I don’t savor. I don’t get to appreciate the process or the moment or the act of actually doing a thing. Instead I zoomboy through it and the moment is gone.

That is unacceptable.

If the last week has told me anything it is to slow down and appreciate each moment as it unfolds, because I don’t get too many and I do not want to waste them. I love the people in my life. I love most of what I do, and I don’t always appreciate that. Instead I lose it in a rush to get to the next thing. I don’t linger as I should, and that is what hurt me most in the relationship I am in. I spent more time trying to ‘fix’ it and categorizing it as a problem than I did lingering in the power and beauty of this rare love. I have been a bad soulmate. I have been a bad human as well for a while now–always dealing with stuff instead of diving into the beauty of life.

Tonight I want to sit around and play games with my family. I want to take a pause from trying to create the space and enjoy them in our space as it is now. This is a hard change for me, but something I know I will appreciate and something I realize I need to do for nobody else but me.

In doing this for me and getting me right, I become better to the people I live for.

I will be keeping a steady list of the win and loss predictions this season in the hopes I can beat Cynthia Frelund and her magical algorithms. Mind over math. Here we go with part II:

Patriots over Dolphins
People continue to forget that Matt Cassel, Jimmy G, and Jacoby Brisset were all made big time just by playing in the Patriot system. These backups became starters under this offense and short of Jimmy G, weren’t very good. Cam is actually good. The Dolphins are not.

Seahawks over Falcons
This is going to need to be a big year for C. Ridley. No, I am not forgetting about Jones. He is probably the best WR in the game right now, but he is going to get a lot of attention and unless Ridley steps up, the Falcons are not going very far. He will step up, but not against the Legion.

Rams over Cowboys
I don’t have huge expectations for the Cowboys like everyone else does. They will be okay. The Rams, however, have a ton to prove on defense and without pre-season I think that desire will show itself during week one. Rams by a tutty.

Titans over Broncos
I know what the Titans can do on O and D. With their main defender out for the season I don’t know what the Broncos will do on D short of rely on an anemic O. Titans eat on Monday Night.

Giants over Steelers
Weird note: The same family owns both teams. This is a hugely fun family clash that gives a bunch of new Giant faces a chance to show out. They will. I believe the G-men shock the world… and the Steelers.

Bucs over Saints
This is going to be a shootout for sure. Yesterday I said RunCMC was gonna show out. Today I believe it is going to be Brees v. Brady for most possible yards ever.

49rs over Cards

Chargers over Bengals

Bears over Lions

That’s all folks!

I’m behind a day. So let’s get into it…

Chiefs over Texans
The Chiefs offense is straight up unstoppable. They will be outscoring everyone. However, will the defense be able to stop anyone? I say yes to most and of course to the Texans.

Bills over Jets
I don’t have any faith in the Jets QB situation, and I have every faith in what Allen and the Bills have put together. I expect this one to be a blowout.

Packers over Vikings
Don’t sleep on these Packers. They’ll win 9 or more this season and be a force in the playoffs. The Vikings on the other hand will not be a force. They will spend the season playing spoiler and going 8-8

Eagles over WAS
They don’t even have a name. I doubt they will have many wins either. The one thing that remains to be seen is if the eagles lose their starting QB this week or in the next three…

Ravens over Browns
I’ve been worried about that Browns secondary for a minute. Factor in the strength of the Ravens option game and those nasty TEs and the season will not start strong for the Browns.

Colts over Jags
Minshew or no, the Jags are not really trying to win games. Think MIA of last year.

Raiders over Panthers
A shootout that will show us what RunCMC is all about this season, but will also showcase a host of Raider weapons.

That was a quick 10! I’ll hit the rest tomorrow…