8.183. Reflections on a Monday Night

This past weekend, watching our son play football, the Lady Talis and I got to talking about Marching Band. She suggested that parents may attend college games simply to see their kids perform in band. Cheerleader parents too. This concept never occurred to me. As strange as it seems it felt like the high school years were the only time that these other aspects of the game required parental support. Yet they aren’t. For the parents (and kids) what they are out there doing is every bit as important and worthy of parental love as those 22 kids on the field at a time playing football (or any sport). Not getting that is indicative of a mindset that prioritizes the athlete and the FB athlete in particular. This is likely thanks to my own kids being so sunk into the sport. I only think about why I’m there, which is very selfish.

I bring this up now as a way of understanding my own myopia; how I tend to see the world solely through my own lens. It is a very small lens and in some ways that makes me a very small person who is only now, 50 yrs in, starting to recognize that. It isn’t that I don’t care about other people and perspectives, it is just that I am so focused on. my own and caught up in the drama of it and of all the inputs related to it that I fail to see much significance in what anyone else is doing in that shared space we call a universe. This understanding calls out to me, helping me realize and recognize that this is exactly how isolated and self-facing we’ve become as a society. Each of us exists in our own filter bubble and we constantly reinforce the barriers of that space by refusing to acknowledge anything outside of it. Some bubbles are bigger than others, but they are bubbles nonetheless.

8.182. Reflections on a Sunday Night

Ten minutes before I need to go get my Pei wei order. Enough time to get this out on the table…

I’m happy. I’m happy in my love and happy in my life with my wife. I am not so much right on the writing front or perhaps in the planning the future front, but I have love and I am happy with where my kids are in their lives and that makes me feel good. It also makes me feel incredibly greedy that I need more. I do. I don’t have all that I need to move into this next phase of life. The money is all wrong. Odd how so much of life feels like it can be solved by adding zeros to a paycheck. It would do that for me to be sure. Being able to be secure financially would change my ability to focus on writing and on this not so distant future. I could, finally, do all the things that I want to be able to do in life, and my wife could live her dreams.

She told me today that she thinks that love, for a woman, means getting the partner you want and giving up everything else in return. I’m paraphrasing here, but it isn’t a wrong statement. How many stories end with the man getting the girl and his life and the girl getting the man? Love shouldn’t come with such a lopsided price tag, but it feels as though it does.

All of this is to say I want to be able to afford to live the life that allows me to create. I just need to figure out how to make it happen…