Start with caring.
Everything stems from that. You have to care deep down inside to the point that the things that matter to your partner absolutely matter to you. This means discussing them. This means remembering them. This means making choices based around those things that matter to your partner.
This can be extremely difficult for selfish people. This can be like learning a language late in life. If you don’t have an affinity for this it will be very hard to maintain. It will be even more difficult still if your partner is quite adept at this aspect of the relationship and finds the behavior natural. This discrepancy often leads to trouble in a relationship–the kind of deep trouble that can infest a relationship and eat away at its roots.
This is meant to be a two way street. You might find that you feel your partner is ‘accommodating’ the aspects of life that you enjoy, and that is fine. Accommodation is what people do when they have no real desire for what makes their partner happy other than the knowledge that it does make them happy.
A good partner is vocal yet understanding yet not apologetic. It is perfectly acceptable and expected to apologize when you’ve done wrong, but apologies are a sliding scale. At some point if you find yourself apologizing every day then you are simply not getting it and not taking the steps to apply the proper level of caring (see above).
A good partner is aware of the other’s love languages and works to speak in those languages. While many find this to be a fairly silly new construct, the idea that there are different ways that people receive and even expect shows of affection ought to be obvious. Some people need to spend quality time. Some need words of affirmation, physical touch, or gifts. Others still need acts of service. Figure out what makes your partner smile when you do it and do it as often as possible. There is no limit on how often you should make your partner smile.
There is no excuse for abandoning them when they don’t smile. We all go through difficult times and in those moments we can be awful and so can our partners. A wise woman once told me that those tough times define our relationships. Anyone can be good together when things are going well. It is when the problems crop up that we are tested. A good partner hangs in and faces the tests hand in hand with you.
Some Thoughts:
- Thinking in this way is important. More and more I am trying to learn about who I am and what I want. Tomorrow I will return to the words of Thich Nhat Han and others.
- Tonight I leave you with Han’s words: “Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.“