10 Minute Rule

I’ve been tossing the word around in my head for a number of days. It means a representation of a plan or theory in the form of an outline or model or a syllogistic figure according to the Oxford Languages dictionary. I use it to represent this lifeplan that I have not fully come to understand or even form–be it with my partner or independently. I think this is at the route of so many problems in my life. Like everything else, it goes back to the wire…

It is indeed the other way, but while everyone around me feels I have control of that way, I don’t feel that way. I feel like I don’t know what to do and that my life is a series of rooms in which I find myself and while I am in those rooms things exist in one state and when I leave the room things exist in another state and the people in the rooms often don’t connect independent of me.

Could I be Schrödinger’s Cat?

While I am out of the space I believe the poisonous gas is slowly killing everyone in my life or at least infecting them in some fashion where they are being changed by the situation.

I need a schema. I need a good schema. Can I haz schema pleeze?

Some Thoughts:

1. On Wednesday we can talk about the legitimacy of a Knicks playoff run. We can also talk about whether or not D. Jones is for real and the upcoming fantasy season… I still haven’t paid off the last one and that matters… It’s all about responsibility to the schema.

A couple of things happened today…

My kids picked up on a wild rumor that Aaron Rodgers retired. he didn’t. I picked up on a rumor that Brie Larson is being tapped to play a new arc Jedi more powerful than Darth Vader… might be true. Lord I hope not. This isn’t even about the role of female characters in that or any universe. This is about creating retcons that remove the value and purpose of the existing story. Thor was meant to be ‘that guy’ and they built an arc around him that leveled him up beyond all that could and would be–short of Thanos. Then they basically wrote in two characters who could beat Thanos one on one.

Really?

Vader was the child of light and dark–a Jesus-esque character born entirely out of a need to balance the equation. Neo was the same way. Now we are going to say that another Brie Larson vehicle is here to erase the worth of that history? What’s next, is the Matrix 4 going to introduce a female character who is actually ‘the one’?

Pardon the sarcasm, but this needs to stop. We can have strong female characters without tearing down the men who came before them. In fact, having to tear down the men is largely what makes them weak and turns off audiences. I don’t deny the male-centricity in most science fiction and fantasy. I speak and teach of it. I talk about the Ripley character being a scion in a way that Jenette Vasquez didn’t entirely pull off. Ripley wasn’t there as some version of a male fantasy. She was a deeply flawed badass with a survival instinct. What is Captain Marvel? Well, she’s a bot. She makes Vision feel human. She’s no Wonder Woman. So, why don’t we find a way to split the difference and make more bad ass chicks that don’t need to trample a dude to get noticed. Let’s have more Ms. Marvel and less of the Captain.

I would love to go to a football game again. I would love to be a part of a giant crowd roaring their approval. I want to see a concert–any concert so long as it is one whose crowd is large and demands the sound cranked up high and for the day after my ears still reverberate with the passion of the evening. I’d like to see a show. I’d like to know again what it is like for the lights to dim and the actors to take their spots upon the stage and, in that moment, become an observer transported into someones dream–or perhaps someone’s nightmare in the theater pressed close to a hundred people as amazing unfolds on the screen.

I want to visit a theme park. I want to see Monster Truck’s race. I want to be on a beach filled with people loving the sand and surf. I want to know that we have come through this and we are alive and we are changed and all can be what we hope in some small fashion, because resilience is what makes us great and what makes this world great.

This is what I want. This is not what I expect.

There will be football games and concerts and shows. The theaters are open and will fill again. Monster Trucks will race to screaming crowds without me. The beaches are open and will be drenched with sunbathers. All of this is coming to pass and I’ve yet to define my role in it. I have a life to live with my partner and some thinking to do about what that means for us.

Blithesome: with lightheartedness or unconcern : gay, merry

Slowly, a formula resolved in Enoch’s mind that suggested that he did not belong in this world. It was not as though he did not belong in any world. Perhaps there were, as one writer eloquently suggested, other worlds than these. Enoch had never seen these other worlds–these parallel incantations of his own expandingly bleak reality. His current relationship to the present suggested that if there were such places than that is in fact where he was meant to be, because here wasn’t it.

So, it was with that mentality that he began to move forward in his daily life. He was able to approach things with the curious aplomb of a man who did not care what happened to him or to those around him. It felt like life then were more of a show than his personal reality. It felt then as if this were a way station on route to his truer purpose.

So, when he saw the man struck by the car he watched the event unfold with true fascination. It played out in his head in slow motion. He felt, as he often did now, that he was meant to learn from these things and understand as an observer might. He did not know his true purpose therefore he did not realize the purpose of his understanding; only that he must.

It did not matter that the person in the car was his sibling. It did not matter in the least.

So, here is what my family life looks like:

I have a mother who was borderline abusive and I learned to dislike as I grew older. Far from a total demon, she did things that were beneficial to me. However, she did them in pursuit of her own ego and agenda. She made decisions for me, and is likely responsible for a great deal of my anger issues. Fast forward to my divorce and she found an ally in my ex wife. Better to say that she found someone who didn’t care that they were being manipulated so long as it ended with a payment.

More and more my mother has tried to intervene in my children’s lives and make decisions about those lives (whether or not they take driver’s ed, for example) entirely independent of me. She is making a serious effort to bring them across the country to see her completely independent of me, and has not spoken to me in nearly a year. In short, my mom is trying to ursurp my role as a parent. I will not stand for that.

It is the role of a grandparent to be supportive of the parent, not to try and create a power dynamic where she feels like she is the one in charge. She has never understood or cared to understand that and the more she reaches for power, the more likely I will make an effort for my kids to never see her again.

Some Thoughts:

1. Never blog angry… yeah I broke that rule.
2. I am angry about a lot of things from family all the way to politics. It is at times like these I want to tell everyone screw off and let them burn it all down and just leave.
3. But then what? I’m just another freak in a cabin in the woods with kids who grow to hate him? Full circle I suppose.

I’ve been checking out The Cost of Winning on HBO Max. The documentary tells the story of a catholic school in Baltimore that was kicked out of their league because, well, they got too good. They started recruiting players (like everyone else but better at it) and they built a serious team on the coaches dime. He went out and got some real ones and taught them how to be men and how to get out of their conditions. He gave them a shot and was chided for doing so because he was the wrong skin color. He was a white guy, so he was buying slave players. The racism inherent in that criticism came from all sides. It underscores a lot of the problems in sports.

I was part of starting a solid football program. I brought kids up from the age of 6–many of whom are top ranked players now. That happened because they played together and grew together and struggled and had something to fight for. That isn’t the case with a lot of these clubs out here. That honestly was the case when we went to the Argos and stopped being the case soon thereafter. I don’t know why. I suspect it is because we brought in people who had been together and wanted to act like they were taking over what we were building vs. building together.

That’s what I am about. I’m about coaching kids on technique and coaching kids on heart and belief. You gotta know how to play and you gotta feel how to act. Football–sports in general is about respect. When you forget how to give it you lose the opportunity to get it. You need to get punched in the mouth. You need to fall down in order to learn how to take a punch and in order to learn how to get back up. Most teams go down after getting down in a game and that is about preparedness. That is the role of a coach–in every sport.

In the distance the kids are arguing about the similarities between Jojo’s and Baki the Brawler as they boot up another episode of Clannad. I’ve retreated to the relative silence of the room where the only noises to rise above the whisper are the AC and the penetrating grind of the humidifier. I need a new humidifier. It wakes me up at night, piercing the calm veil of sleep and warning me that I may never return. I need sleep. With sleep I can do two chapters a day (maybe), a trick I plan to try this week.

It’s been a relatively fast week. I find myself approaching the middle of the month with classes ending and a novel that is further from finished than intended. I look forward to the summer. I look forward to what adventures may come. I’m trying to get back in shape. I’m looking towards spending more time in the pool and at the beach. Life is solid right now.

Some Thoughts:

1. See, I really do need to figure out what to do with the Tuesday blog. A writer’s column maybe? reflecting on stories or books?

Is it okay for a writer not to have a thing to say? It has to be. We of the writing variety are like rechargeable story batteries. We build up all of these experiences–be they real or imagined–and we release them into the world in some form. Meanwhile our story charge depletes and we are left with little to nothing to say. Often, we are so hyper focused on one story in particular that nothing else can get shared. I may be that way. I don’t have terribly much to say, because this novel is absorbing all of my thoughts and emotions. I am excited about it and the work is going pretty good right now. That being said, it leaves me in a quandary because for ten minutes a day I find that I have little to say to the world at large.

Sorry, world at large.

On the occasions I do have a word or two to share lately it is generally personal or political. That was never the true intention of the space, though I’ve given room to that for years. What I do think helps is a formalization. If I know that Wednesday is the Waiver Wire, I save up ideas for that. Freewrite Friday is a brain dump of any creative juices built up over the week. The other days lack form and thus gravitas, so perhaps I should start to shape meaning into one or more of those other days…

Today was clearly a reflection. Those can go a long way towards understanding what to do next.

I have what one would term ‘a tepid relationship’ with my mama. She’s done a lot for me in this last half century. She played a large role in who I am today. Unfortunately, a lot of what she did brought pain and suffering and now our relationship is primarily non-verbal. I have not spoken to her since she showed up on my doorstep in September of ’20. I don’t expect we will speak ever again.

There are few black men who feel like their mom is not a significant part of their life. I became part of that group when she shorted me out of my share of a quarter million. I’m not rich. In truth I am in debt. That money would’ve cleared my debt and I would be in much better financial shape than I am now. That’s cool though. She got her value out of me. That is good for her and I hope she lives a long and happy life. Her actions remind me that it takes both the parent and child to nurture a lifelong relationship. My partner reminds me of that in her own everyday actions. She’s a good mom–a true mom.

Still, much of the man I am I owe to what my mom did and did not due. We are shaped one and all by how we respond to our experiences. Our environment and interactions provide the experiences. They are the substrate in which the reactions occur to create the people we become. What she did to me and occasionally for me impacted who I became and often shaped the direction I took in life.

I wonder who I would’ve been without her. I wonder if he would’ve been a better man or just different. What I know is that he wouldn’t be me.

Some Thoughts:

1. Curiously, if ‘he’ wouldn’t be me, what does that say about human experience and what that creates? I wonder if we do live multiple lives. I wonder if we live the same life over and again in death…
2. My kid’s ex youth org had a rough series of games this season and did not make it to the ‘ship at all but 1 level. That one team is amazing. The future beyond that is less solvent. I should feel relieved (as it indicates there will be other powerhouse orgs) but I should not feel satisfied by these losses. I do. I really do. What does that say about me?

Not a lot to say this eve. I’m tired. I’ve had a long day. Emotions are running high. I am sitting here with Fringe playing in the background and thinking about the seasons of horror I’ve sentenced my partner to (it gets better! and less gross). All I can really get out right now are…

Some Thoughts:

1. While there were many good moments to start the day I fear I haven’t made as much progress as I hoped.
2. Doge fell off hard. That might be the end of the meme coin or this could really be a short dip. Musk did SNL and there were big expectations based on that appearance. He didn’t do the coin any favors. down 24% over the last 24 hrs. Oof.
3. Writing is going well. I’m not at a complete draft, but what I have feels fairly solid. I want to put two chapters out a day, but I don’t know that I’m there yet.