Author: admin

I decided to turn all the way back to 2.28, and thoughts about parenting. The post centered on this idea of structure and discipline following a pointless argument about Minecraft. Mind you I was only three kids deep at this point. The other three were adjacent but not yet mine–though to hear it from my partner, I am responsible for the path they’ve taken till now. What I can say is true is that the issues I saw then have not gone away and have multiplied with the addition of kids and especially of older kids who don’t listen to or respect me. The issue, as I see it, is how one structures their life.

Structures are hugely important and determinant of ones path forward. If your day starts with an hour or more of useless YouTube videos, slides into an hour or more of video games, back to YouTube, back to games, break for meal, and repeat, then that is a structure. It is not one that is designed to move you towards anything more than what presently exists in your life, because there is no room for that. This is perhaps why I chafe at that specific structure that has been adopted by so many of my kids. I also work really hard to rationalize and forgive it, in order to find a way to accept it as Their Way. However, it is not, IMHO, The Way.

My way is in flux. I’m dealing with a lot, obviously, but I do feel that I need to adjust my structure to something more conducive to what my partner and I both want and feel is good for us. As opposed to good for me or good for her solely. There is a lot of emotion tied to this conversation, and it is one that is made easier on vacation, because vacations tend to narrow what one considers in terms of importance and limits interactions outside of our specific pairing. Home isn’t that. So, home isn’t great.

What I want is to find a way to be healthier and not need to worry about heart stuff all the time. I want to be able to occasionally splurge on a nice meal and not worry I’ll die as a result. I want to feel I can say how I feel about things without absolutely destroying everything around me. That last aside probably needs more explanation, but there isn’t time for that here.

Some Thoughts:

1. The on field incident in the game last night was a scary and sad. To see someone have a cardiac incident so publicly is a dark reminder of how we need to be monitoring ourselves constantly–no matter what shape we think we are in.

I am beginning to sink into a sad sensation of loss. I am experiencing heightened Blood Pressure far beyond what I should be experiencing given the medication I am taking. I am controlling it in the sense that I am keeping it within 7 points of 150/100 in either direction. This is not at all a healthy situation, and I think I might be dead within the year. This isn’t a comfortable thought, but as I expressed before, I am sinking into a sad sensation of loss. The basics are this: My heart is not functioning normally. I expect to go back to my doctor this week, and be told to up my meds, because my doctor is actually a NA, who sees me because the doctor is too busy. So, I intend to argue for a referral to a heart specialist, and if they refuse I will pay the tab myself. This is preferable to surrendering to death without a fight. The people in my life who care enough about me for it to matter deserve a fight. What’s crazy is me suddenly realizing how small that circle actually is.

I’m not talking about mourners. The world is filled with mourners. I’m talking about the four or so people who would be genuinely hurt by my passing. This is limited to my partner, probably two of my five boys, and maybe the daughter. I say maybe for her, because I know she cares but I also know I’m not a part of her largely insular life. I’m part of that fringe bit that represents family, but not part of her two people. I accept that. I accept that my circle is likely three of any real impact and I am okay with that. I am not okay with abandoning those three so suddenly.

It is an awful thing to have to rationalize and consider such things so young in life, but here I am. At least for now.

I’m not entirely sure about the whole idea of resolutions. I do, however, know I need to make changes in my life in order to… keep being alive. Foremost of these changes is to live a healthier lifestyle–one that includes daily stretching and increased movement and treating my partner with more love and care. I think all of these things will help in the short and long term, but the first two are pretty hard to really fall into while the third is not so hard as much as something that I need to be more mindful of on a moment to moment basis the way that she is.

I’m worried, because the home situation is not conducive to any of it–so far as I’ve seen. I’m in a situation where half my kids (at least) hold zero respect or love for me and basically try to tolerate my existence (at least that is how it feels given the interactions) while continuing their own. It hurts me to feel unloved. It also hurts me to see that this is all they want to be. That last bit applies to all of the kids. So, what do I do to maintain any sense of self in the moment and space?

I’ve traditionally used the office as a touchstone for self, and I feel like I need to be getting back to that. I’m in it right now as I write this, and I feel very comfortable in the space–even if they are out there blasting hours of YouTube nonsense I tend to be okay in my space. At worst, I can throw on the headphones and zone out to the words.

It all comes back to the words, doesn’t it? That is one of my four pillars: Words, Romance, Kids… Games. Yeah, games remain a pillar. Feels like I haven’t been as faithful to the words as I should be. I keep coming back to the summer I spent in Seattle and going out to write every morning at the coffee shop in Bellevue. That was wonderful. I need more of that shift away from the base or I need to make the base more of that in order to really get going.

So, I’ve learned that change needs to come. As fast as possible, really.

I haven’t done lists or resolutions or much of anything to push me headlong into the new year. Instead I am in the office listening to fireworks rain down outside. I don’t even know where they are coming from or why they are going off so early in the night, but I’m excited to take my turn at it. My BP is lower today, so I’m excited about that. It largely comes as a result of not eating the kinds of foods that I normally eat. I cannot do that anymore. I am changing my life, and fighting to get back into a decent shape. I need it, because I need to stay alive long enough to do something meaningful for myself and to be here to be a part of this family. Yeah, I get that the first part is selfish, but I’m going to be honest about the selfishness. My partner, meanwhile, is fed up with our lives here and frankly done with living anything like this. We need to strike a balance.

I guess I need to think about the new year–about what I intend to make of it and how I intend to do that. No time like the present to get it going, because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Some Thoughts:

1. I really need to get back to thinking about life as a journey.
2. I’m feeling all of my 47 years lately
3. My daughter might be getting engaged tonight. Crazy.

Tough to believe I’m only 38 days into this and the last 38 days have been crazy. A lot is going on right now. On the negative, I’m having serious blood pressure issues that might require hospitalization if I’m not careful. I am trying to be careful, but I’ve been living with stage two hypertension for days and it is impacting my long term health in a very negative way. It feels like a manifestation of the lifestyle of the house where everything that will exists and be is already here. This is a house of stagnation and outrage (generally over video games and other outcomes beyond their control). Everything is YouTube and Anime and Video Games.. all the time. There really isn’t anything else–well, there is football for some of them. Part of me misses that other house we used to have, namely because of the prospect of moving them all in there and having an adult space here that isn’t constantly swathed in that other stuff.

But we don’t have that. And I don’t have good health.

So, I need to find something better and soon, because my health is deteriorating here, and the docs just want to up the dosage on my meds instead of working to fix the root problem. As you can see, I’m struggling with a lot right now at the end of the year. More than anything I am struggling with the fact that I haven’t written a good honest story from the heart in as long as I can remember. Everything I write is for something or for someone else–not for me–not pure. So, that’s another thing on my list. What are the stories that I want to naturally tell? I don’t know that yet, but I need to find out.

Hard not to think about dying when I’m so close to having a stroke. That is the way my Father-in-Law passed and that happened because he didn’t take care of himself or read the signs. That death changed my life in so many ways. I don’t want to be in the position to change lives in that way. I don’t want it all to fall apart for people. I don’t want to bring sadness. I want to get healthy, and I need to figure out how to do that without docs trying to force medicines on me that do nothing but treat the symptoms of a problem they are making no effort to solve.

Ahh, haven’t done one of these in a while, so it is definitely time for…

Some Thoughts:

1. It is undeniable that there is a sexual context to most ASMR feeds. I myself can’t deny that ASMR is more easily received from an attractive person (leading to cognitive ease) than a non-attractive one. However, the problems for me are when the ASMR isn’t about the sound and the chill but the allure. I can’t get behind those. Feels icky. I just want to chillax.
2. Deion Sanders is simply that man. He’s going to turn Colorado into a powerhouse school, and while he won’t win the Pac12 this year, he will in a year’s time–soon enough to make the college football 12 team format ‘ship.
3. Mr. Nightmare keeps bringing the good stuff… Shows that there are some creepy people out there. There are also real creepy situations…
4. Looking forward to the Spring semester. Should be a good one–especially if all my classes make. I’m trying to get to a place where everything goes and goes smoothly.
5. Madden is trash. I try not to hate on the game with the ferocity of the people who often do so on the Reddit. Still, losing ALL my franchises at the same time to a server issue? Come on, man.

So, three leagues and I made it to one championship. It is, of course, better than none. That winning league is the big money league and the pot is $1500 for the win. I’m excited for the opportunity (and the trophy). I don’t know how good my chances are entirely, but it comes down to the 4/6 matchup in a week where J.Herbo needs to beat the Rams (and a resurgent Baker Mayfield) to move towards the 5 seed and the 49rs are trying to lock in a 2 seed vs. the Raiders. I like those matchups. I like that I am going into this with a real shot. I also see that Derrick Henry has an injury designation, and he is one of my opponents top weapons. Then there is McKinnon and Freiermuth. Those two are point explosions waiting to happen. G. Wilson against the Seahawks… perhaps less so, because the Hawks really really want that win. Overall, I am projected to LOSE by 1.49 points, which is a sad state of affairs, but I can work to fix that a little if I move the Chiefs to my starting D, or luck out and find a top D (Giants???) on the wire. The chances are looking good here. I hope that I can turn this week into some serious cash.

Meanwhile, I’m looking at a 3rd or 4th place finish in the Beachborn league. I was knocked off by the mid-kid who is really surging late in the season. He faces the lady for this ‘chip and I battle… The BOT. I’m excited either way. It is a rare Two-week final, so it should pan out really well for them to use skills over simply basic luck of this week’s draw.

Pausing the Turnback for a closer reflection. See, today my heart rate spiked to 160/111. The internet defines that as ‘Go to the damn hospital!’ blood pressure. I didn’t go, of course, because I am me. It shuddered down to a more reasonable rate of 150/93, but that was hours ago and I am still feeling the lingering effects of hypertension. The thing is, I don’t even know why it spiked, and that is scary. While I quibble over how much of the day it cost me to try to be in hard chill mode, I need to remember that it could’ve cost me my life.

I am not yet 50, but I am a black man with high blood pressure that runs in the family. We’re not long for the earth under these circumstances. It is enough to make you think about finding value in each day and fully recognizing that each day could be the last day you have. It is also a time to be thinking about what it is going to take to get well. I’m going to need to cut back to near zero on a lot of the unhealthy eating, and I need to get rid of this excess weight even more now.

I want to live. I want to be here for my partner. I want to be here for my kids and all their big moments. I want to write the stories I’ve dreamed of all these years. I want the time to do these things, and that means doing what I need to do physically and mentally to arrive there. I am in really bad shape right now and I am afraid of what my body is trying to tell me. I need to get right. I need to do it immediately.

I may be out of chances otherwise.

The Umbrella Academy succeeds in more ways than it fails. While struggling from often C-level acting and dead end characters, the show has more than enough story and energy to be entertaining. I love that nobody is entirely good or perfect. I love that season one gives us glimpses that we don’t even get to cover in season 2. I’m going through it again and I’m learning more about it and about what good storytelling can look like. It is an unlikely education.

My desk is a mess; a sad reflection of the chaos permeating my mind. Perhaps the only thing I have together right now it my Madden Season, because I just built a new one from the ground up, and at least–in just starting–I kind of know what is going on. Otherwise, I am a mess. I need a calendar. I need a mooring perhaps beyond a vague date of my next trip. I need a true north beyond the start of school, which has slipped into a lower niche in my mental calculations. I need a thing to be about, but one that is manageable and joyous. At present what I have is a vague notion of what I want to write, and I am working on that, but beyond that… crickets.

So, here is the thing: Life is a countdown. You have an unspecified amount of time to do things that make your heart sing and make you feel like you did what you were supposed to. At the end of the countdown, you time out–you end. Perhaps you spend eternity reflected in your own memories, and perhaps not, but I like to think that you end satisfied by what you did, and I am not satisfied by what I’ve done.

I need to look forward and do better.