Author: admin

I’m in a bit of trouble right now. In one league my team remains the highest scoring team in the league but sits at 2-2 and presently out of the playoffs. In another I can see the end nigh. I’m 3-1 but the top team is so far beyond my average ppg that I have no chance of beating them this week… or any week. The need exists, unless I can stay locked into second and, as a result, get second in the league overall having avoided them until the championships. In the final league–the family league–I am undefeated. Yet I fear the streak will inevitably end. I have holes. I have holes at TE and WR. I am working to address the holes, but dang it if I’m not too nervous to trade one of these backs away.

The Giants and I have a lot in common. We are both punching above our weight and we are both headed into legitimate matches this week. Hopefully we both come out on top. I plan to be up bright and early to enjoy my Gints locking up the Pack. Odds are there will be some Wrs open. Odds are the entire defensive gameplay is STOP Saquon. Fortunately that hasn’t worked for anyone yet. Hopefully it doesn’t work on Sunday in London.

Some Thoughts

1. Stop reading reviews before you see the film. Think for yourself! yes, they may be hard to ignore, but they will taint the experience for you. They will…

I don’t have enough writer friends to know if this is natural, but every time I start new writing I find myself wondering if I still have it in me. It isn’t always the same thing. Often it is about the ability to tell stories in a compelling way—the nuts and bolts of crafting effective sentences. Other times it is about not really feeling I have a story left to tell. Both feelings are driven by the anxiety of often not thinking I am a very good writer. My confidence in my words has deteriorated considerably over the decades. I went from being the next Stephen King to being the next Sam Hismadi. Who is that? Exactly. 

A growing lack of personal confidence can be seen as central to my present life issues. I just don’t know if I believe in me anymore. It stems from a combination of abuses/abusers as well as failures on my part that followed me into new relationships as well as professional situations. Oh, and I am getting old. I know that plays a role. I just don’t know quite how.

It is 6AM and I am sitting in a breakfast shop with my laptop searching for some semblance of what it meant to be a writer long ago, as well as what it means to be a writer now. Often I feel so caught up and run down by life’s daily experience that I don’t take the proper time to mediate upon the gift (and escape) that is writing. Instead I dwell on the simpler and more immediate pleasures—a three minute game of Solitaire or Clash Royale repeated ad nauseum until I’ve won enough to offset the grief of the losses; a game of Madden against a frustratingly talented CPU that makes me feel (just a little bit) like I’ve built something in a system I didn’t personally create—thus winning by someone else’s rules. 

All of this low hanging fruit distracts and sustains me through a daily life that more and more feels like treading water until I eventually drown. There has to be a better way. There has to be a way to feel good and to feel alive without the artificial life support. When I was younger and writing with confidence, that is exactly how I felt.  

Some Thoughts:

1. Waiver Thursday then?

Spent time watching the new Wakanda Forever trailer and recognized yet again how Marvel’s agenda of turning every Superhero in to a woman has infiltrated this as well. Only this one feels different. Wakanda has always been about strong black women. It was the thread of the first film and of the preceding comics. Now with the focus on Ironheart and Shuri, that vision continues. I’m not really mad about it here. In truth, it has been accompanied by good story in most of these transformations. Hopefully that continues.

Some Thoughts:

1. When writing in a shared world, some writers choose to take ownership over the world and shape it to their desires and vision. I do that. It is hard when others who do that have a vision I, for the life of me, cannot see a reason to exist. This is not the way, but I will try to maintain a sense of self and vision in the chaos.
2. Fantasy football talk tomorrow, which means it will be Wednesday. This week has flown by quickly.
3. House sales suck. The entire process is about the buyer screwing you just enough so you can both feel okay about the interaction. I’m in a position where I am not getting what I’d call a win, and I am merely waiting until it is over.
4. Falling dangerously behind on writing this week. I’m just completely out of sorts.

Recently, I asked my partner the question: Why are most military novel antagonists and tricksters democrats? I was thinking about it in relation to Jack Carr’s The Terminal Man novel. The book casts the good guys as macho men, tough guys with very hot blonde wives, friends, and allies. It casts the bad guys as corporate dweebs, pencil pushers, and, to a person, democrats. The political divisiveness present makes me, not a republican, feel like I’m being lumped in with some nonsense. The us vs them separations and the generalized feeling that republicans are the only real Americans resonates throughout the text. It bugs and I wondered why.

She told me it is because of who the military lifers generally are, and damn if she isn’t right. Even the ideas of patriotism are often drawn in the us vs. them columns, leaving many who serve in the military to be recruited from places that are right-leaning. Left-leaning places are therefore only amplified as being the other when you have that many like-minded individuals and such a diligent command structure.

This is one of the many things that don’t tend to translate into my writing when developing future-leaning projects such as Shadowrun. Political divides magically disappear, because I am not forced to consider them. I think that, on the whole, it makes my writing less realistic, because I am not dealing with those things in any meaningful way. As I script out the next novel and next short story I find myself thinking that I need to lean in vs. lean away and truly tackle some of these concepts in a way that is reflective of the corporate dystopia we’ve created.

Been thinking about death a lot lately. Maybe it is because I’m recognizing that I’m getting old and this journey will eventually end. It scares me still. Some days I think about rushing towards it. Others I am fighting to stay away from it as long as possible. It changes a lot and that has everything to do with the people I am around and the mental condition I am in. Honestly, I don’t think I am my best self mentally. I hope I can recover to some version of that self I am comfortable with. This version simply isn’t it, and I am deteriorating in multiple ways.

So, I need to get right. I need to do It sooner than later. I don’t have forever… that much I’ve figured out.

Some Thoughts:

1. Just saw an incredible Toyota commercial. It really moved me. The beauty of it was they didn’t even feature a new truck. It was about a very old hand me down, and a voice mail from the driver’s father.
2. Sis in law just left. It was good to see her. She’s a lot, I love her, and… she’s a lot. I’ve had two versions of her in my life for a long time, and one has disappeared from my life. This one hangs around and pops in from time to time kind of like a hurricane.

Rarely do I have a Friday where next to nothing is going on. This is a huge opportunity–to have such a day, as it indicates my life has hit a point where everything isn’t so batshit crazy that I can step back and breathe a sigh of relief. Of course this is an illusion. What I am doing is not listing and not focusing in on the things that need to be done. This too is part of a freedom Friday. you are allowed to forget that which you wish you could forget.

I wish I could forget being sick, because… damn.

I am looking forward to honing in on my writing in the next few weeks, because I have hit that sweet spot where school isn’t dragging me. It lasts for a few months in this fashion before I am dragged again. One side note on that being the small mountain of school business I’m conveniently pushing to next semester.

The pushing ought to stop. I gotta get a bunch of things in order so I can find some lasting peace and balance.

A brief walk with my partner today served as a stark reminder of how violently out of shape I am. I need to get better at that balance I keep talking about. I’m getting older and all recent signs point to the possibility of diabetes. I don’t take care of myself the way I need to, and it shows. Sitting in an 85 degree office doesn’t help either. Neither does being sick.

Still, the walk represents a turned leaf. I plan to get these in four days a week. I also want to get right back in the habit of gym work, and I need to be prepared to sweat and work for the body I’ve spent so long destroying.

Work you body, work your mind. This must be the motto moving forward. The struggle is real here. I’m losing that struggle, and I have too dang much talent to surrender and fall this quickly.

Some Thoughts:

1. I truly need to get a new AC for the back half of this house. The Ac situation is out of control.
2. I was able to get back on Madden and do the draft with the kids. I picked up several of the players I wanted, but not all. It was a good draft to be sure, and I am looking for the next bomb draft. The new format works for us. No trades means we build through skill, draft, and free agency.
3. I didn’t publish the blog last night again. This has to stop. I was out of it and only hit the publish button once I presume.

I am writing this before I depart for the New York State of Mind Concert featuring Wu-tang and Nas. I have not seen either for years and never Nas live. I’m getting up there in years, which argues they too are approaching their fifties. With so many of the hip hop stars I grew up following passing away, I feel like this concert is a moment in time. Coolio died just the other day, and while he wasn’t peak rap, he did sell the crossover and pave the way for guys like Nelly and make rap more mainstream, which led to this huge concert here in the desert tonight.

Rap is a state of mind as is NY. That state of mind has changed over the years and I feel like this is an opportunity to step back in time and, in a sense, remember the face of my father. I haven’t been my best self and perhaps this moment of joy and history will serve to help me remember who I was trying to be.

Football is easy… to talk about. I continue to find myself a bit frustrated when I watch my kids who haven’t played organized tackle (vs. the ones who have) talk about the game like everyone who plays at the professional level is so stupid and doesn’t understand what to do ever. To me it feels different to analyze it once you’ve been on the field and have had a 300 pound man racing at you at nineteen miles an hour. The time I got into a major car accident felt like I’d merely faced off with a linebacker while coming across the middle. Honestly, the latter hurt more. So, there are levels of knowledge and understanding that, reflexively, trigger me when people act like they know it all and don’t. That being said, I’ve never coached past 14/15 year olds so, there is that. I’ve never played beyond semi-pro, so there is that. All of that being said, I still feel mildly qualified to make a few picks.

I was wrong about the Giants pick, but I should’ve been right. Two key injuries reshaped that game. We were without Leonard Williams (for the first time in his career) and that offered their run game a chance to excel. We were also without K. Toney, and that meant relying on useless weaponry like Kenny Golladay. 3 key targets. 0 catches. All drops. My son noted that he made 700k that game. I truly hope a WR needy team takes him off our hands for a decent price. We gotta move on, man.

This week the Giants move on to Chicago. In spite of the two teams having a 2-1 record, they are not the same. Chicago, IMHO, is not very good. They ought to be exposed this week in the Meadowlands.

Miami, at 3-0, is also a huge surprise to most. They are the fastest offense in the NFL and that is going to be proven yet again tomorrow night. I’m calling this one for team Cheetah.

London is calling. Unfortunately, they dialed up two terribly mediocre teams. New Orleans is the better of the two and likely the only one bound for the playoffs this season.

Cleveland might be without Garrett after he suffered injuries in a single car accident on the way how from the game. He was dodging an animal on the road, overcorrected, and rolled his vehicle. He’ll be okay, but will he be okay in time to play? Atlanta really hopes not.

Baltimore has been solid. Buffalo has been solid, but Buff is missing it’s entire secondary. I don’t know if they can contain Lamar without the passing game. Gosh, I so truly hope this man signs with NY.

We aren’t going to talk about Dallas. We are going to talk about Seattle. Geno is proving to be a decent transitional guy. They still need to find a true starter for the future, but the present is in capable hands.

Chargers need this bounce back game vs. Houston.

That’s all I have time for today

To quote the Wu, “I’ma rub your ass in the moonshine. Lets take it back to ’79“

That was 8 years ago. My first born was 10 and playing youth basketball. I was coaching all three boys and I’d received a letter from a mom griping about the 6-7 year old team. She was complaining about rumors that the so-called star players had been playing together forever and were the focus of the team. I remember the situation, because it highlighted an awful truth about youth sports: It is really about parents feeling good about their kids being the star. I remember the anger that went through me at the letter and at the games themselves. It mattered so much back then. It was so important to see the kids enjoy it and maybe learn a lot and have some success in the process. I wanted wins. I wanted to beat specific coaches that, as it turns out, I still have friendships with today. In fact, the coach in question for that 10-12 game will be coaching my youngest at the freshman level next year. Funny how the earth spins and alliances change and some people simply don’t move off their spot.

I’ve moved. I am finally willing to relinquish the nasty grip of youth sports and embrace the more important things in my life… Things like Madden 23. No, seriously. I’m in a space where I am working towards a healthier sense of balance, a shorter list of responsibilities, and I am trusting in my kids to manage their own lives in order to have time to have one of my own. I think that makes this life worth it.