I want to change the theme of the website. It is a small thing–a type of spring (summer?) refresh that gets me out of my comfort zone and pushes me towards more of what I need to become. It forces me to break the chrysalis in a sense. I’ve been stuck, obviously, in a neutral state short of really clear goals and objectives. I feel as if I haven’t grown much and in fact retracted into a shell of ignorance. Not all the way, mind you, but enough of a retreat to notice it. Frankly, it feels a hell of a lot like depression.
It isn’t though–not completely. It is another version of that fueled by a lack of will and lack of creativity. I used to talk about how I needed to visit New York on a semi regular basis in order to get back in touch with the real world–the competitive, eat your lunch off your plate while you stare on in horror world. I haven’t been to that world in so long that I have almost completely forgotten what it feels like. Even that last time was more of a tourist visit than sinking into my once realm.
Here I have no place that I can go to feel that energy. The energies I feel from this dust soaked place is about another way of life and another way of people born from that life. Unfortunately, the way I am built allows me to be easily influenced by my environment and by the people who populate that environment. I become like them. I take on their mannerisms and traits and, to a certain extent, their desires.
So, what I am forced to face is the understanding that my environment shapes my reality. My habits of mind are shaped and reshaped by who I associate with. In the world of academia I’ve begun to lose touch with the world of people and real life. Maybe thats why I harbor a desire to work checkout at a 7/11. Or maybe I’m just a little nuts.
I gotta get back to NYC. That or find a way to create that center of balance where I am. I need to maintain a better control over myself or my environment.