2.92: Today is the day to start anew

Here is the truth: I woke up every day this week openly wondering what I had to look forward to. Save for a few moments with my partner the answer turned out to be very little. The depression continues to be a real thing. It isn’t so much about a chemical imbalance but a purpose deficiency. I stopped caring about video games so much. I stopped investing my heart into youth football (I’m just here so I don’t get fined, but I will do a great job and prove my worth while I am). The writing has long been in a place of flux, so it wasn’t enough to make me excited to get up in the morning.

So I’ve turned to fitness.

This is not the ‘washboard abs’ moment. No, I recognize that I weigh 20-30 lbs more than I want to and I intend to shed that weight and try to remain spry. I guess the kicker was realizing that despite not eating all that much food anymore, I am gaining more than losing. That is entirely about an open lack of activity. I feel like any chemically based depression is grounded in that as well. It is hard to completely sort it all out, but I have to believe that part of how I feel every day is the result of how my body feels every day. If I can turn that around just a little then I can start to feel better about this life I was given (on loan I suppose, because in the end that life force is taken back).

So this is my real fitness moment. I don’t entirely know what that means for me. I think I am going to take a walk around the block once I’m done here. Then I’m going to stretch a bit and try not to overdo things all at once. I have to do this gradually if I expect to develop it into a habit. All the tools are already lying about the house or loaded on to the phone–I’ve been marinating the idea for a terribly long time–and now is the opportunity to step forward and make something happen.

2.91: Come Friday

I almost didn’t write today.

I left the house in a minor rush and discombobulated. I never paused to complete my morning ritual. There was call. There was coffee (kind of, because the boys spilled it) and then the writing was overlooked. Story of my life in a sense. This thing that is central to my identity and my soul is the thing that is overlooked most of all. I call that poor prioritization.

Here is something else I’ve noticed: I don’t ever put me first. When I try to I don’t even know what that means–I don’t know what I want outside of my partner, my kids, and a place that feels like mine. Health ought to be high on that list. It isn’t. It won’t be until I find a routine that demands I consider my health an asset and a necessary part of my continued existence. When the physical therapist exposed some key points of body weakness it did not convince me at all to start working out. In fact it only swam around in my thoughts for a little while before dipping back down into the deep end of the backburner. What’s on the front? Whatever crosses my cheek, I suppose. Lately that has been football. In fact, I almost paused my writing just now to look up a coaching video. Assume that I will look it up after I post.

I’ll be posting pretty soon here, because ten has trickled down to less than one and the end is nigh.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Game Two of the Youth season is tomorrow. It is a big game for my team because we had a tough week and a tough loss. We could use the confidence builder win. I am sure our opponents feel the same way.