Month: October 2020

Start with caring.

Everything stems from that. You have to care deep down inside to the point that the things that matter to your partner absolutely matter to you. This means discussing them. This means remembering them. This means making choices based around those things that matter to your partner.

This can be extremely difficult for selfish people. This can be like learning a language late in life. If you don’t have an affinity for this it will be very hard to maintain. It will be even more difficult still if your partner is quite adept at this aspect of the relationship and finds the behavior natural. This discrepancy often leads to trouble in a relationship–the kind of deep trouble that can infest a relationship and eat away at its roots.

This is meant to be a two way street. You might find that you feel your partner is ‘accommodating’ the aspects of life that you enjoy, and that is fine. Accommodation is what people do when they have no real desire for what makes their partner happy other than the knowledge that it does make them happy.

A good partner is vocal yet understanding yet not apologetic. It is perfectly acceptable and expected to apologize when you’ve done wrong, but apologies are a sliding scale. At some point if you find yourself apologizing every day then you are simply not getting it and not taking the steps to apply the proper level of caring (see above).

A good partner is aware of the other’s love languages and works to speak in those languages. While many find this to be a fairly silly new construct, the idea that there are different ways that people receive and even expect shows of affection ought to be obvious. Some people need to spend quality time. Some need words of affirmation, physical touch, or gifts. Others still need acts of service. Figure out what makes your partner smile when you do it and do it as often as possible. There is no limit on how often you should make your partner smile.

There is no excuse for abandoning them when they don’t smile. We all go through difficult times and in those moments we can be awful and so can our partners. A wise woman once told me that those tough times define our relationships. Anyone can be good together when things are going well. It is when the problems crop up that we are tested. A good partner hangs in and faces the tests hand in hand with you.

Some Thoughts:

1. Thinking in this way is important. More and more I am trying to learn about who I am and what I want. Tomorrow I will return to the words of Thich Nhat Han and others.
2. Tonight I leave you with Han’s words: “Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.“

Honestly, I think most people in our country are more dedicated to their social group, religious groups than they are to their political party. There is definite overlap. Groups make choices and get aligned with things rather easily. Unfortunately, these alignments are very binary in our country and very much not about the people supposedly being served. To that end I will say that I am considered a democrat. I will be in that classification as long as the ‘other side’ continues to act a public fool and so long as there are so-called sides in the issues that define our nation.

Here is what troubles me: Aligning to a party means aligning to a platform and generally means straight forward defense of the people at the top. We have people who continue to laud Trump as great and wonderful when he does many of the things those same people found to be reprehensible and flat out criminal when it was being conducted by someone on the ‘other side’.

The system is not designed to better the American people as a whole. It is a fixed game designed to better opportunities for a small selection of Americans who have classically been defined as leadership or worthwhile. Moreover, the coverage and media angle has worked to disenfranchise young people and to convince them that they not only do not matter but should not care.

I am constantly reminded that people don’t get it. They don’t care. They don’t want to really even try to get it. The leadership does not matter to them. Unfortunately, this is largely a function of age. See, I was the non-caring type. As I age I learn and I understand and I feel more and more that the way our government works is wrong and we need systemic change.

Some Thoughts:

1. Heard an important line on How I Met Your (Father) tonight. Find one thing in life and make every decision about that one thing…

Ten Minutes to catch up on…

Some Thoughts:

1. 8-5 record last week means my predictive skills are roughly par. On the season that brings me to 49-25. Meanwhile, I started Minshew this week over Burrow and I am feeling that deep regret already…
2. Football is not going well for any of my boys. Maybe it is time to step back and focus on training them when I want to train them and letting them see the world for what it is: unforgiving and uncaring. Right now none of them are the guy. Each is just another guy. The choice to step up cannot be mine.
3. The choice to be successful and good as humans cannot be mine either. I need to do a better job of putting structures in place that allow them not to suck.
4. I need to get on a better page and path as a human. As of now I am in the full suck mode. I talked about ideas on how to break out of it yesterday and I have done nothing. I am not too solid at maintaining routine.
5. I need to consider the possibility that I too am Just another Guy in every possible way and less than that in terms of being a good partner to another human. It does not mean I cannot improve. It does mean I am not great at the moment or ever have been.

Family night was mostly a success tonight. We had problems–namely the youngest of the bunch struggling within the family dynamic. He is not being good to the family in general and actively working to separate from everyone. He is moody and combative and generally having time with merging families. I fear he sees it as a betrayal of his mother, and it is not that at all. There are other things going on with him–with his confidence especially–that need to be addressed. I am not sure how to deal with all of it and I need to come up with a plan.

I also need to come up with a plan for getting back on track and getting off my ass in order to be productive. I am battling depression as well as struggling with finding balance in my personal life. I believe the two are very connected and I do not have a sense of how to break free of the depression. I do feel the best option for me is to take a few hours, sit down, and script out a real plan for the rest of the year, I mean starting with dates and money and plans and all of that down to the finite details of all that needs doing. I went out and bought a ‘reset calendar’ thus throwing more money at the problem without having a real plan to solve it. Still, I might as well use the calendar and get on some kind of positive path.

Some Thoughts:

1. Rough football day. The kid learned that he has the potential to be a superstar at the B level, but didn’t see the field at the A level. We will see what happens next. I hope he steps up and decides who he wants to be in a hurry.
2. Same goes for the mid kid who is struggling with being a 13 yr old playing HS football. He isn’t quite ready and it shows.
3. Meanwhile, I am ready to be done as a coach. I love being on the sideline and talking to the kids, but I am really not a part of that group and don’t have a lot I am able to offer.
4. Monday I turn in my laptop to the old job. I’m very okay with turning it and my keys in. I am less fine with the having to go down there in order to do it. That is time out of my day to make life easier for people who fired me.
5. Still working on the desk setup. Not quite happy with it. Need more light and need to figure out where everything goes in the most comfortable fashion.

Futile

“People suck.” Dr. Onyema Price said. He shrugged too, as if the declaration was to be entirely expected. It of course, wasn’t. He was my therapist ad I expected more than a mere admission of the state of the world. I expected, well, I don’t know what I expected.

“I’m going to need more than people suck here. I’m paying good money for this time on your couch.” I said.

“Reality is what it is. Your bank account doesn’t do much to change that–at least not in ay meaningful way.”

“Jesus, Doc. You go fatalist on me all of a sudden? What happened to the stuff about my feelings and coming into orbit with the reality I am trying to create.”

“I believe all of that to be true, and I believe that the reality of the world doesn’t change our personal habits, Edward. People are always going to be awful and in particular it appears they are always going to be awful to you. Isn’t it time we stopped running away from that reality? After all, there is no place where we can run that this reality won’t be there.”

I wanted to challenge him on that. I wanted to show him examples and produce evidence from the deep well of knowledge that lived inside my phone. I wanted to reach out and slip my arms around his throat and squeeze. He was not helping. This was not helping.

“Do you want to hurt me right now, Edward?”

That gave me pause. “No, why would you–“

“We call them micro-expressions. your rage comes through clearly on your face. However, you realize that rage does nothing to alter the reality for the better, don’t you?”

“I don’t even know what you mean about rage, man. I just didn’t like what you said.”

“Take for instance if you do kill me or at least harm me in some criminal way. What do you think happens next? You slip down into a different par of our reality — among the criminals and the violent people who have lived in that space far longer than you. Now you are at the bottom of an entirely new well to climb. However, getting out doesn’t guarantee a return to the life you had prior. In fact, the guarantee is that you never return. This is the system.”

I’ll start with the youth stuff: My kid is on the shelf right now. We will see if he can go in a few days. He’s matched up against the #1 11u team in the state–the actual #1 and not our untested squad. They have the best rb in the state at that at 11 or 12 yrs old and it is firmly not my kid, even when healthy. He lost that killer instinct despite getting stronger and faster. I don’t understand how that works.

On to the the pros… Jets cut Bell… and added another nail into my fantasy coffin. Cowboys are also DOA following the Dak injury. They do not have a guy capable of making those kind of comebacks in Dalton. Here are some other upcoming situations…

NE over DEN (if it gets played)

TEN over HOU (see above)

PIT over CLE
I believe in the Browns. They got it together and got it rolling. However, PITs D is crazy good right now and will shut down the running game. They cannot rely on Mayfield. I do expect to see Beckham sling one to to Landry this week…

BAL over PHI

NYG over WAS
Finally, a win!

ATL over MIN
How do they have 1 win combined?

JAX over DET

IND over CIN

CAR over CHI
Foles is not the guy, folks. He is a relief pitcher.

MIA over NYJ
This is hard penance over a slew of bad management choices. I hope to see this team back on top in a decade (or sooner if they go get a legit qb). However, this week Fitz is going to shred.

GB over TB
I expect stupid big yards in this one.

BUF over KC
This is in Buffalo and it is that time of year… I don’t know that the Chiefs are 100% right now, but I know the Bills are coming.

AZ over DAL
Still reeling from the loss of Dak they will lose something else–their sense of control in the NFC east.

Some Thoughts:

1. Needed to change gears. Life stuff is rough. Football is a pretty reliable escape.
2. So is storytelling…

An evening in the woods is supposed to be an opportunity to escape from the doldrums of daily life and to reconnect with the beauty and majesty of nature. It can also be an opportunity to reconnect with yourself; to see yourself for who you are in this moment to slow down and stop and take account. I did that. I am not pleased with the man I found.

For much of the length of my marriage I supplemented. This is not to say I cheated on my ex wife, but instead I had inappropriate relationships of various types. I had work wives and weird friendships that fulfilled me in different ways. I had relationships, mostly with women, that made me feel like someone cared about me, that someone found me attractive, and that someone found value in what I had to say.

These relationships continued beyond my marriage, and when I found a single person who filled all of these important roles in my life it created real and lasting conflict. I did not immediately end these other relationships. Most of these were work friendships and ending them in any vocal way felt too difficult to approach. So I took the coward’s route. I just stopped talking to them. I let the tension of me having a partner fall on my partner. It was not fair of me. I should have just told these people that things needed to change in how we interact because I didn’t need that stuff–those roles–in my life. But I did not ever say that. I did not ever make any real effort to show my partner that she came first. As a result years of pain and suffering followed and continue to this day. The fact remains that I am and have always been a coward. I have always been afraid of those type of social confrontations and not knowing how to act. I’ve always been better off when things were left unsaid.

I am so disappointed in myself and the man I allowed myself to become. Roland Deschain would say, “I have forgotten the face of my father” and perhaps I have forgotten the face of the man I intended to be. I intend to approach the rest of my long days with more honesty and a foot towards a future where I can feel like my partner can trust me and trust that everyone knows that it is about her and only her.

When I look at a screen everything is blurry. This is bad. This is also called Computer Vision Syndrome or something nearabouts. It is the result of staring at screens for too long. Of course, in the lands of Covid all I do is stare at screens. What I find most odd about this situation is that it only began (again) after I ended my side job.

Perhaps I have been playing more games, and that is the real issue here. If so, I need to figure out balance. In the meanwhile, I am going back to the woods.

The woods trip is mostly unrelated to the eye situation. I am going to the woods to recharge and connect with the natural world. I might freeze to death, but given the locale I won’t be chased by a mountain lion. I could be assaulted by a bear, and that is even more terrifying. I ought to bring the machetes so I can at least pretend to be able to defend myself.

The last time we were out and about in this fashion we encountered a skunk. It was not so much scary as it was worrisome. Skunks don’t hurt you but they do end the trip very quickly. One spray and… you get it.

Some Thoughts:

1. The NFL probably is not going to make it. Youth football still might (out of blind forthright parental desire) but the NFL feels like a house of cards set to topple.
2. Heck, I may not ever be the same after this. I’ve lost all sense of normal.

I believe my son is afraid to play football. His brother, a Varsity player, tore his ACL. His other brother has bursitis from overworking his legs. He himself landed hard and perhaps sprained his knee and hasn’t been right since. He played so poorly last game and so timidly that I was speechless as a coach and entirely ready to see him on the B team. It appears that I am past the point of believing that I have the power to turn my kids into super stars. They are going to be what they are going to be under their own power and determination.

This is not the way I planned things in my head. Still, this is the way things are now. This is how things are. I am trying to come to a place of acceptance of how things are in my life and come to an understanding of how I want things to be in the future. This is evolution.

How it lands on an 11 year old boy is a different conversation. I’ve written at length about my concerns about being a good dad. In my own lineage being a good dad merely means not running out. My step dad died when I was 12. My real dad may or may not be alive in one of the Carolinas. I don’t know and I am not entirely sure I care. I do know that there is a definite possibility I will one day soon run out on my kids and I hate myself for that, but there is a reason for everything in life. No, this is not me forgiving this man. This is me trying to come to an understanding of how things are and how I want them to be in the future.

Life is hard. Making life choices is hard.

Some Thoughts:

1. The Dak injury is a rough one. That man’s foot fell off. Still, I hope the Giants make the decision to pursue him in free agency. They need a leader like that in the locker room. They need a QB who can step up and do the job. Danny Drops is not that guy.
2. The Cowboys are not good. Yet the Giants are worse.
3. I think about football an awful lot. Even the youth stuff.

This season is a dumpster fire at every level. I could start with the Giants, but I won’t. I am going to start with youth football, because that is the one that, apparently, intends to finish a season no matter what.

Our 11u team, heralded as a Florida bound juggernaut, scraped past a team that was entirely smaller, slower, and not as well coached with a 19-6 win. We were very bad. We didn’t run the ball well despite three running backs who were basically starters for their former teams. We didn’t throw the ball well despite two quarterbacks with the same sort of resume. The coaches argued openly on the sidelines, I was basically useless on the sideline, and none of the players have gotten to that ‘we are one’ vibe that makes the engine run. Instead they played timid, played hurt, or in the case of my kid, both.

We built a solid core of players last year and lost half of them. We embedded another entire team into our ranks and that was meant to strengthen us and strengthen the coaching, but instead we find ourselves completely out of step with an o-line that doesn’t stop anyone. Will we turn it around? Maybe. It all depends on time on task and on Covid, which is rising right now and I don’t see anyone at the youth level thinking about testing in any way. I mask up every game, which is a stop gap, because the kids are still playing and banging and we know the problem is out there somewhere, just like we know when we walk into a store that we are touching things that other people have touched and we have no idea where those people have been.

We are forgetting–I am forgetting–this is a pandemic.

Which brings me to the NFL and yet another week where a team is forced to postpone a game because of positive Covid results. The struggle here is this: In a highly competitive situation like this where there are not many make up opportunities, how do you hold a season that may hinge on one bad result? How do you do playoffs? No answers yet in this dumpster fire.

Instead I am content with watching it burn.