Month: March 2021

The NFL trade season is happening if slowly. We’ve seen a handful of blockbuster deals and it feels like everyone is waiting on the promise of the draft in order to figure out who they really want to dig in and grab. Not so much for who they want to let go. My Giants parted ways with a starting O-Lineman, which saves them 12 million dollars they will obviously need in order to get some more talent on the field. The hope is that they cut another lineman, Nate Solder, and save even more cash. Here I am rooting for people to get fired. In truth I am rooting for different people to get hired. That is the magic and misery of the salary cap. You cannot buy your way to maximum success. You have an upper limit (and a lower limit) of how much you spend, which means cultivating talent from within has value. We’ve come a short way with that in Giantslandia. I say we even though I am just a fan, but the we here is the we watching and hoping and praying there is happiness on the other side of these cuts.

So, what about the rest of the Talis sporting world? I’m thinking about this upcoming final year of youth football. The truth? It will not end in a championship. There are two other teams that have proven to be better than us and that is going to be a big problem for us. In terms of the kid who is playing? I think he has a chance to really emerge as a talent, but I don’t know where he really will be at. This needs to be the last year. He needs to take one off, get into some other things, train his body, and be ready for what is to come for high school. Until then, I want him to have every opportunity in the youth game. He’ll likely play through this next summer and cap it off with some sort of all star situation. Then, thats it. He can tell his kids how it was. I’d like to be able to do that for him.

As for the other two? New coaching situation at the high school means new opportunity to succeed for the Senior and the Sophomore to be. Personally, I think the sophomore needs to play freshman ball and JV this next year. I think he needs the confidence boost and the field time. Both of those will benefit him, and help his team grow. I still expect to get him into the kicking training as part of his B-day gift. He could be a multi-position athlete and perhaps earn a scholarship as a result. At the least he can be a walk-on like his pop.

That’s the waiver. That’s what is going on.

When I look back on Tolkien I sometimes hesitate to do so with fondness. Sure, he brought us an amazing world filled with magic and Elves and all the wonders that humanity can offer, but he also is reflective of a time and place where people who looked like me were (and in most cases still are) considered less than. He brought us Orcs who he claims are not allegorical to black people, but his later works suggest his early work may have been just that. This website is an ecellent resource for a further discussion about Tolkien and race. However, he is not the entirety of this ten minute set. Actually I want to talk about dog whistles and modern America (read: USA). Just as Tolkien was guilty of eurocentrism our America-first philosophy has begun to develop a particular air of whiteness around the edges that I find particularly disturbing.

Are these United States a melting pot, or are we trying to push towards a new Aryan nation? I begin to question this the more I see people flying American Flags in their truck beds with a second flag below it, be it Trump or Don’t Tread on Me. The meaning of the second flag is bleeding into the meaning for the first. That second flag has, unfortunately, become synonymous with whiteness. There can be little doubt that flying a Trump flag points more to an idealistic mindset of ‘make America the 50’s again’ than any political position. Just the other night Tucker Carlson argued that many in our country are trying to ‘cancel’ the mid-century American principles and values that made us such a great nation. He said, “When the people in charge cancel Dr. Seuss, what they’re really trying to eliminate is a very specific kind of mid-century American culture — a culture that championed meritocracy and colorblindness and the superiority of individual achievement over tribal identity. These were once called “liberal values.” Modern liberals don’t want to be reminded that they once believed any of it.”

There is a lot happening in that diatribe and little to none of it actually reflects the mid-century that actually happened. He wants to put himself on the side of those fighting against oppression when he is clearly aligned with the oppressors. Don’t even get me started on Dr. Seuss. For the record: Dr. Seuss was not cancelled. The Seuss company decided to stop publishing a handful of outdated books that, frankly, did not sell well. These are not the first six to be recalled be it due to moral or sales issues. This is a story now because the people who want to own the conversation need it to be a story. End of Story.

What isn’t the end is this growing sense of racial radicalism that is threatening to draw new battle lines across our nation. We need to recognize it and address it and address who profits from it before we are no longer a ‘we’ at all.

I know from an outside perspective that my writing process looks nothing like what one would expect. It is not the quiet routine of a King or a Murukami. I don’t set a specific time. I don’t get up at 4 AM. In truth, my process is a hodge podge mix of whatever works in the moment to get my bedraggled brain into a story. Most recently I’ve been absorbing TV shows in the background as I write .

What makes a process mine is that I determine it. I remain comfortable with it. Unfortunately, that has never been the case for me. It doesn’t take long for the people around me to question my process and ultimately usher me towards a way of doing things that they think would work for me or that makes sense to them. Only, it is not them doing the work. It is me and if I need to conform how I create to satisfy the people around me instead of conforming how I create to what is best for me as the creator then I am going to struggle. I am going to spend as much time worrying about what they think and feel about my process as I do trying to actually get the work done. This is the way it goes for me; the way its gone my entire life.

Perhaps the best solution is to leave any public or shared space when writing; to write from a space and during a time where I will be left alone. To work at my own pace and be judged solely by my deadlines.

It is a pleasant fiction.

Long and family filled day. I did not get a ton done, but I enjoyed spending time with my partner and doing a different kind of work–on the house. I realize I need to get back to the novel, and I need to get back to a place of being really productive. I am expecting to be there tomorrow. Honestly, I need to lock myself in a room with no distractions. It is hard to do that here and damn near impossible to do that when the entire family is floating around and looking for stuff to do. This is the upside of in-person school–the kids go away long enough for me to get stuff done. Otherwise, I fail to get any longer than an uninterrupted hour.

Beyond that I’ve been thinking about trying to find new stories outside of my norm–something different enough to kickstart the creative juices. It feels like a slow trickle right now and I need a gusher of creative energy to get my projects done. Heck, I need even more to get through the rest of the work needing done.

Some Thoughts:

1. Sometimes people really need to be left alone. Sometimes people don’t know how to do that. I live in the space in between at times where my jobs is to subtly let those who don’t know, know.

Well, that number is inspiring… The word of the day is: Impunity

Tremors

He found the text in the back of a used book store just outside of Joliet, Illinois. It was his thing, shopping for weird books on the way back from these trips. He counted it among the few useful distractions he had left. “Books are better than blowjobs” he’d tell himself on the nights it grew cold and lonely in the motel beds; on the nights when he’d been away from her for too long.

Every so often he slipped. He’d find himself in his car on the wrong side of town chain-smoking cigarettes and hoping he’d find one of the women he saw gathering around the alleys attractive. More often than not he’d call his wife and tell her he was tired and he was bored and that he couldn’t put himself to sleep. She would ask him if he’d found a book he liked. Usually he did. They would talk about it a while as he sat in the car watching the women and watching the men drive up in their cars, stopping to pick up a passenger, then gliding further down the block past where the street lamps could shine in through the windows. He’d watch and he’d talk, that trip’s book in his lap opened to a random page near the middle where he could pretend he’d progressed to instead of being where he was; what he was trying to do.

The book–the lie–was freedom. It kept him from feeling the weight of guilt for his thoughts and occasional sin. In the words on the page he found a freedom, even an escape.

So, when he found himself on Blaylock and 189th, watching cars cruise and slow past a trio of black women in high heels he reached for his book and then he reached for his phone.

She didn’t answer right away. Maybe if she had things would’ve been different. Maybe he would never have opened that book–never known what lived inside of it. But she didn’t answer–not right away–and he was bored. He opened the book to a page near the middle and began to read.

No freewrite Friday. The brain is jammed up. I’m working through the novel issues but lately the words haven’t been coming as I like. Bad inputs have to be part of the problem, along with attitude. These are things I can and am in the process of correcting.

when I was small, I believed I could write entire novels in one sitting. The stories were so close to the surface that it felt like they’d tear feee of me if I didn’t write them down fast enough. Largely that feeling is gone, a memory of days and nights devoted to little more than creative thinking and joy. Life wears us down. Work wears us down. People wear through our skin until we are tough no more. All of these things combine to take us further from that space where the words are waiting.

this too is what it means to be a writer.

what do you do? I don’t know. I’m learning. I’m dealing. This is not writers block. This is writers wear and tear and the aging brain of a slowly withering man.

this does not have to be what it means to be a writer. There is always a better way waiting to be uncovered.

There are good writing days and there are the ones that absolutely wreck you.

I’ve tried all day long to get on track with this novel and I just do not have it in me today. I believe the best option is to walk away–just for the day. Accept the utter defeat and move on to the new day…tomorrow. Today was not good. Today was me fumbling around looking for a place to dig in and not feeling good about anywhere I landed or certain about any of the locations or scenes. Anything I put to the page felt forced. THE felt forced. HE felt forced. So, I forced it and it didn’t work and I deleted it and I finally decided it was time to move on.

Coming back tomorrow in the same state of mind is not going to be useful at all, so I need to find a clean reset–a win or gain outside the words, or progress/success on some other distant front in order to feel like this is going to be a better day. I need momentum. I presently don’t have any going for me. Starts and fits are the way right now and that has been largely reflected in this blog over the last few weeks.

So, how does a writer break the ‘yips’? Well, I thought about working on my lab, cleaning the backyard, etc. I had a lot of different ideas of ways to manufacture a win, but I think the key will be just having a nice kickback with my lady and remembering a large part of why I do this.

I started a new Madden franchise. I’ve abandoned the hope of the family franchise and crawled back into my solo gamer mode. There is still a little fun left to be squeezed out of the game here. I took the Dolphins, turned them into the Diablos, and did my first draft. I used a pretty solid draft from the Maddenshare and it was filled with players that can be built I leveraged the existing talent for picks, hoping to build a long term franchise. Feels good to start something new. I’ll likely play a game or two daily and see how long I can enjoy it. I still do enjoy it, which is good. Outlets matter.

Some Thoughts:

1. In the real world, crazy football deals are happening. Kyle Van Noy is leaving the Dolphins. It gives the Giants room to make another move defensively if thy can afford it. JJ Watt is a Cardinal and that defense is really starting to look legit. They will be in contention this year and crazy fun to watch.
2. In the youth world my boy came home from Texas with a ring. His team swept the tourney properly representing AZ as a force worth reckoning with. He played well overall and scored multiple times in multiple games. I’m proud of him. He showed who he was and showed that he has room to grow. Now I need to decide what role I play in the growth of all of them. I cannot afford private training for these boys, so either they don’t get training or they get it from me.

I’ve talked about me for a few days now and I think I am off that for a while. Let’s talk about something else: Football? No, that is for the Waiver Wire. Writing? Always something to say about that but not always something worthwhile. Video Games? Okay… I can work with that… in a way. In truth I think I want to talk about addiction, release, and distraction.

Given the continuing normalization of marijuana, the acceptance of altered states is also growing. It is okay to smoke up or to drink or to do anything legal chemically to fix how you feel. Not only is it okay, it is the source of great fun, story, and industry. Gaming is my preferred drug. I do it because it is fun and or I do it to escape. I’ve been in escape and reset mode for a very long time now. I had even cut down and cut back on the gaming, but lately I play constantly. I play Madden (or used to) with the boys. I play Apex on my own and almost always in 3 game spurts. I started training on the two dots game on my phone–calling it a way to keep my brain sharp, but very quickly recognizing it as a distraction.

What makes what I do different from the chemical enhancements to me is the isolation. The other stuff can be done while doing other things or is a source of social interaction. Gaming is, in a sense, solitary. You and your screen. Perhaps there is someone on the screen next to you, but the era of couch co-op is waning. The era of online multiplayer arenas is here, and that is essentially a solitary act–at least to the people who live in the house beside you while you are doing this thing alone.

I see this as problematic and, in many ways indefensible. If I smoke and drank and did other drugs even, I could still be social and interactive and part of the group. As I game I am separate. I transport myself elsewhere, leave my thinking behind, and return from that void prepared to take on the world. It sounds bad, even on paper. Yet it feels good and right.

So, the struggle continues. I continue.

Long days. The weather is tricky. It is cold and then not and then cold again. My mood follows a similar pattern. I don’t have a lot to say this evening, so I will just settle into…

Some Thoughts:

1. For a brief moment Madden felt good. My boys and I played a few seasons in franchise mode together. It felt like we’d found a way to play together and connect throughout the week. Then, one by one they quit until it was just me and the mid kid. Sadly, a league of two is far less fun. I don’t know where I go from here. Every attempt to maintain a lasting game of any sort with these boys has fallen apart. When we try to add more of the family it just gets worse and worse. The 5 boys have their own thing and that is cool. I just wanted something where I connected with them too.
2. So, what do I do post Madden? I’ll play Apex a little longer but that game and shooters in general wane rather quickly. I do not have another true ‘escape reality and reload’ gaming distraction beyond Minecraft (which has been less and less that lately). The obvious answer is stop escaping. However, if I do that I wind up so caught up in the reality that I cannot fully immerse in the unreality of the novel world. I need that doorway to stay open especially now when I am so close to fulfilling dreams.
3. Wow. Not a lot to say at all. I’m sitting here typing slowly and realizing my mind is on E.
4. Speaking of which, gas prices are sucking again. Sadly, all of this will be blamed on the democrats because it is easier to do that (blame someone in office barely two months) than to look at the reality of why. If you face the reality you are left to realize that the vote is not a quick fix and there is no quick or easy fix to the ills of this world. There is a reason why the theory of intelligent civilizations eventually extinguishing themselves exist. Intelligence foments selfishness.